(My stupid what?)
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This week, I had to kill a man. But, to be fair, it had to be done.

The crime scene, such as it was, was social media. Some alleged guy (these days, you never know) in an online post, while attempting to insult my intelligence based on his politics, typed “your stupid.” And there it is. As an Old West gunslinger might’ve put it, “I reckon he needed some killin’.” And, just like that, the average IQ of the internet went up two points.

One down…long way to go.

Sadly, the devolving of Shakespeare’s mother tongue continues, thanks to facebook, Twitter, and transcripts of Joe Biden’s ad libs. Social media is doing to spelling, grammar, and punctuation what MTV did to music, except facebook has more ads.

Of course, facebook ads do serve a purpose: without them, I might’ve never known how many half-naked Russian and Asian women that I’ve never met want to marry me. And I know their love is true, thanks to the … um … well, let’s say trusting photos they share of their … um … untanned parts.

Here’s another irritator: its instead of it’s, or vice versa. Witness:

“its not what u know its who u know lol”

This is an actual, unedited facebook post, allegedly between people who work, and vote, or at least pick out the day’s socks. Granted, in that post, there’s approximately two blunders per inch, but let’s stay focused. Its is possessive, as in “Waiter, that is a fly, and its body is in my soup.” It’s is a contraction of it is, as in “Dude, there’s another fly in my soup, and it’s way bigger than your tip’s gonna be.”

Its. It’s. It’s not that tough, people. (see previous sentence)

These days, you almost have to want to misspell things. You have to make an effort. In most language-centered productivity software, you practically have to hobble the computer with a mallet to make it turn off the built-in spelling and grammar checkers. And if you’re still stumped on the your/you’re conundrum, Google is right over there, ready to dish up 8,530,000,000 related articles (I just tried it).

And who are these global titans anyway, these earth movers who are in such an important hurry that they can’t spare the extra second to type you’re and it’s?

Let’s review another … this time a noun hijacked, seemingly, to approve another noun: word. Here’s an online conversation between two alleged bipeds:

“He was all, like, I love you and stuff.”
“Word.”
“I know, right?”

Whoever “he” is, I think he should all, like, run away and stuff.

Here’s a confusing one:

“Thanks for excepting me”

One would assume the guy is grateful for being included in a group, but he might just as easily be expressing thanks for being left out … and if you’ve ever listened in on some of these groups, you know what I mean.

Another teeth-clenching online typo is Ur, as evidenced in this captivating conversation online:

“Ur going to Todds party?”
“Girl im so going.”

Stop it. “Ur” hopped off the Valid Words bus about five thousand years ago, when Abraham went off in search of a land with more syllables. (He settled for Canaan, because nobody in Persia could spell ‘Czechoslovakia.’)

And, by the way: it’s “Todd’s party,” unless Todd’s parents hated him so much that they named him Todds – in which case, you’re still missing an apostrophe.

Your stupid.

The English language is squeezed even harder on Twitter, where posts are limited to 280 characters. With an average word length of 4.7 characters (thanks, Google), that’s just under 60 words. That’s like singing “Happy Birthday” three and a half times. So if you want to be offensive or stupid on Twitter, you’re just gonna have to cut some corners.

Finally, here’s a quick update on my murder spree. Somebody just claimed, “On facebook, spelling don’t count.”

I reckon he needed some killin’.

Two down…long way to go.