“Luke, I am my father.”

(Some heroes need to hurry)
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Quick pop quiz: in the long history of Hollywood heroes, name two wildly popular archaeologists.

Yeah, neither can I.

Let’s face it: when it comes to leading roles based on guys who dig stuff up, there’s only one. And no, it’s not Boris Karloff. The Mummy wasn’t the digger, he was the diggee.

I heard this past week that they … whoever “they” are this time … are making yet another Indiana Jones sequel. Given that the first film, Raiders of the Lost Ark, was released way back in 1981, I’m guessing the new title might be something like Indiana Jones Raids The Ark Again, Because He Forgot.

As sequel collections go, four is probably plenty, but it’s hardly a record. The Die Hard franchise alone has about seventy, many of them containing an actual plot. And counting reboots and recasts, there have been more Batmen actors and Starship Enterprise crews than there are Andrew Cuomo sexual assault victims.

But in any case, Indie’s back! America’s favorite fedora-sporting whip-cracker rides again, which is convenient, because he’s now too old to drive. (Given his age, there are rumors that Indie Jones will now be known as Indie Jestion, but the rumors are unconfirmed.)

It’s likely, however, that seventy-eight-year-old Harrison Ford will be allowed to pick whatever character name he bloody well chooses. After all, his films have grossed over $9 billion worldwide, making him one of the top five domestic box office stars of all time. He shares the honor with other professional actors, including Tom Hanks and Hillary Clinton. (Hillary’s actually brought in way more.)

Some actress named Phoebe has been tagged to appear as Indiana’s potentially romantic interest, since saucy Karen Allen from the original Raiders flick has now moved on with her life and is busy driving to soccer practice and wearing mom jeans. Details are murky about how Phoebe’s character will be injected into the script, which has already been boycotted nine times by various woke watchdog groups. Who knows – perhaps Phoebe will end up playing a transgendered man of color in Indiana Jones Pays Reparations.

What we do know is that Sean Connery will not be involved as Indiana’s father this time, partly because the woke police have banned the word “father,” and also because Connery passed away before ever getting cast in a season of 24, a career move invoking a mysterious Hollywood holisticism which allows actors to be killed, on camera, but still show up in future seasons.

This time around the Raiders block, the director will be a guy named James Mangold, whose credits include The Wolverine and Logan (speaking of sequel fests). Both films featured Hugh Jackman as a fictional superhero with massive cuticle issues.

Original director Steven Spielberg is apparently not directly involved in this Raiders rollout, but the producers, Kathleen Kennedy and Frank Marshall, know him, so that counts. Spielberg should be able to collect a few hundred million from the theatre take (or even more if anybody actually asks him about a camera angle.)

Steven Spielberg, as you know, has been turning out box-office wonders for decades. Who can forget Jaws, that 1975 edge-of-your-seat thriller about Rosie O’Donnell at a lunch buffet. (Spielberg ended up winning an Academy Award for Jaws, for managing to make Richard Dreyfus appear sexy.)

John Williams, who is actually older than Harrison Ford, is back on board to compose the new soundtrack. Williams was also responsible for the soundtrack of Jaws, a haunting heartbeat that went on for an hour and 41 minutes, until the shark finally showed up and ate him.

And will I be going to see Indiana Jones V when it’s released next summer? Absolutely … Covid willing, and the creek don’t rise. And who knows? By then, we may have plenty more to choose from.

Possible Sequels