Felony Dessert

(Be thankful … by yourself)
~-~-~-~-~-~

Once again, Americans, our country is about to add a unique chapter to our national story. Thanksgiving 2020 may go down in history as the first Thanksgiving where families expressed their thanks after the holidays…

…for not getting arrested.

It goes without saying that China’s 21st-century gift to mankind – a pandemic – has taken a huge toll on civilization, not to mention California. And we’ve been affected in ways that may last for generations, assuming the Cancel Culture outlaws don’t outlaw heterosexual mating.

2020 Endless Election Sidebar: For those of you who are still out there voting, several times, for Joe Biden, please ignore that on-camera gaffe where Joe haplessly defined pandemic as “a big box of cookware.”)

Thanks to China’s invisible invasion, millions of people are working from home, shopping from home, eating at home, home-schooling, and now, facing the possibility of being arrested at home … for eating Thanksgiving dinner.

Now, don’t jump to conclusions here. It’s not illegal (yet) to celebrate America’s first Thanksgiving (unless you mention that religious white guys were involved). It’s still okay (so far) to prepare pumpkin pies and cornbread dressing (though the politically-correct term is maize-bread). No, this all-new pandemic-era crime involves head counts … how many family members you dare to cram into your COVID-infested dining room on Thanksgiving Day, including all the little card tables for all the little home-schooled kiddies.

Similar social-distancing-crazed ordinances have been barked by community leaders across the fruited plain. For example, citizens of Los Angeles county have now been told they can’t dine indoors or outdoors, causing some fed-up Californians to relocate to vacuum tubes. Patrons of the politically-critical Iowa State Fair are being forced to eat funnel cakes intravenously.

According to our extensive research department here at the diaTribe (i.e., me), some States, including California and New York, intend to levy heavy fines on private citizens for the crime of inviting more than about ten people over for Thanksgiving, unless of course the guests are illegal aliens. Californians are additionally advised that “the host should collect names of all attendees.” (If the guest uses a plastic straw, the host has the right to shoot them on the spot.)

In related insanity, California officials have admitted that at 35,000 inmates filed fake unemployment claims … and the State paid them. Apparently, the California Employment Development Department was like, y’know, really like super busy and stuff, y’know, omg, and they didn’t check the claims against their list of inmates. Like, oops and stuff, omg.

2020 Endless Election Sidebar: President Trump’s latest election recount challenge makes the claim that not only did dead witches from Salem, Massachusetts, register to vote, but they voted again in Pennsylvania, and several more times in Vermont. Candidate Biden responded with some off-color comment about green women, and then fell back asleep. Hard-hitting reporters appeared not to notice Joe’s lack of consciousness, and continued to pepper him with probing questions about his favorite color.

What’s equally bizarre, during this, our first corona Thanksgiving, is that political officials are actually encouraging your neighbors to turn you in, should Bob and Sheila next door discover you’re feeding more people than are fielded by the Red Sox. (“Sheila, there’s more than four cars in the driveway next door. Dial 9-1-1.”) Allegedly, an elderly woman in Upstate New York was cuffed and booked at an Albany ShopRite after her neighbors spotted her dickering with the butcher over a twenty-pound turkey.

And more restrictions, fines, and lockdowns are coming, according to New York’s tooth-laden Governor, Andrew “Herd ‘Em” Cuomo, who is apparently about to be awarded an Emmy for eugenics.

So … buck up, America! This year, if you’re lucky, you can eat leftovers and be thankful in December that you didn’t get arrested in November … for eating and being thankful.

Just remember to follow the rules. I’m not clear about which set of rules you should follow, but you should definitely follow them.

And one last thought about lockdowns: