How To Not Kill People

(therapy on the cheap)
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One of the handy side-effects of writing a humor column is that it can provide the writer with free therapy. This is useful because of one of the not-so-handy side-effects: writing a humor column doesn’t pay much.

Take, for example, pet peeves. We all have them, but rather than internalizing mine until I’m bitter and traumatized, I just start typing. Rather than letting those peeves simmer until I need to pay some goatee-sporting European to let me lie on his couch and talk about my parents, I just scribble lists.

And then I feel better…and safer. Because murder is wrong.

Case in point:

People I Could Do Without

People who fly on private jets to private islands to attend private conferences on climate change
People on facebook who equate their post’s “importance to your life” with “the number of exclamation points I’m using”
Mom & Pop marketers who drive through your neighborhood and lob little pebble-filled Ziplocs onto your driveway
People who insist on pointing out plot holes in Star Wars movies
People who eat with their hands, but point with a fork
Merchants who insist you can “buy two and save!” No. To save, buy none.
People who use “ask” as a noun or “office” as a verb
People who think “niggardly” is hate speech
Employees at coffee shops who still think everything after Labor Day must smell like pumpkins
Protestant church choirs trying to pull off syncopation
Guys at work who play imaginary golf in the hall
People who dot their i’s with open circles
People who continue to say that the tornado sounded like a train
Politicians who seem to be unaware that civilization has technology that can store recordings of what they actually said two years ago
Women in the grocery checkout who wait until their total is announced before beginning the deep dive into their purse, and when they do finally extract their checkbook, they act like it’s some alien lifeform that nobody has ever figured out how to negotiate with
People who claim that their favorite actor is Sean O’Connery
People who shove food in your face and say, “Here, smell this.”
Fast food restaurants that remove the rib bones and then stamp the meat to make it look like the rib bones are still there
Guys who brag about how drunk they got last night, as if stupidity was a contest
Parents who say they’re excited to see what gender their newborn child will choose
People who hoard dozens of ketchup packets in a drawer
People who are barely out of puberty that begin a sentence with “Back in the day…”
Music company marketers who release “Greatest Hits” albums that include one song you can’t get anywhere else
Guys at the grocery who pass a cute girl in the aisle, then turn around and look to see if she turned around and looked
People who read an email announcing somebody’s promotion and then “reply to all”
People who complain about Trump causing the spread of coronavirus while they’re wearing a mask below their nose
Car dealers who think we think that “best bargain” equals “loudest announcer”
Companies who advise me that, when I’m done with their voice mail system, I can hang up
Guys who cut fake parts in their hair
The people who designed those fast food drive-thru audio speakers
People who assert that Jesus will not be pleased if you don’t share their social media post
Online Scrabble cheaters who pretend like their everyday vocabulary includes words like STHENIA or YEX
People who gesture with their hands…while they’re talking on the phone
People who claim to know in advance how many people will share their facebook post
Guys who wear their hats inside, but think shirtsleeves are optional
Ads that announce “operators are standing by!” Can’t you get those people a chair?
People who ask for their salad dressing “on the side” while ordering three large pork sandwiches
People at work who show up late for their own meeting, and then blame being late on another meeting
Women who tell you bald men are sexy. Yeah? Then shave.