(at least they have wings)
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In America, most people during their time on Earth work hard to make a difference, unless they’re network TV executives. (In that case, they just think they’re making a difference. Living with a laugh track every day will do that to you.)

But most of us want to contribute. Some will focus on agricultural breakthroughs, like the guy who invented seedless watermelon. (Of course, he had to keep reinventing them, every spring, because the melons wouldn’t mate.) Others might dedicate their lives to raising the bar by breaking records, like whoever thought of rolling up the world’s largest ball of string (and then charging admission to see it). Or maybe they’ll turn to medical discoveries, like Dr. Polio, who invented psoriasis, only to be murdered by Dr. Salk.

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Tourism Sidebar: There are actually competing factions across the country for the title of World’s Largest Ball of String, some of which incorporate heated arguments over the difference between ‘string’ and ‘twine.’
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This frighteningly common human desire to be the first, or the biggest, or the oldest, or do the most of something, has led to some weird world records. A guy in Germany claims to have created the world’s largest Christmas tree ornament, a sparkly orb that has a diameter of over two feet (his Christmas tree can be seen from outer space). A 76-year-old body-suit-wearing woman from Britain holds the record as the world’s oldest salsa dancer, and it’s a sight I’ll never be able to unsee.

No to be outdone by the bipeds, an Australian dog named Charlie holds the Guinness record for the world’s loudest howl, if you don’t count Hillary on election night. There’s an understandably bitter-looking man in Soviet Georgia who leads the coveted category of “most spoons stuck on a human body.” (Sadly, the Georgian died a horrible death after walking too close to a busy ice cream truck.) And a guy in Hong Kong holds the record for inventing the world’s thinnest condom, but he couldn’t attend the awards ceremony because he had to babysit. A lot.

Ten years ago, 102 chilly people in England claimed the record for most naked people on a roller coaster ride. (What’s even scarier is that I couldn’t tell if any of them were women, even though they’re naked.)

All grand and worthy goals, to be sure. But now, there’s a guy in Nebraska who’s set his life’s sights on a loftier goal: renaming chicken wings.

Let’s set the scene: it was a run-of-the-mill, scheduled meeting of the City Council in Lincoln, Nebraska. According to local reports, it began like any other … various board appointments, applications to sell liquor, requests for updates from Lincoln’s “ball of string” challenge committee. Then the chair yielded the floor to someone sporting shirtsleeves, a tie, and a pageboy haircut. After promising not to take up too much of the Council’s time, he began.

“Lincoln has the opportunity to be a social leader in this country,” he claimed. “We have been casually ignoring a problem that has gotten so out of control that our children are throwing around names and words without even understanding their true meaning..”

Yes, like you, dear reader, my first thought was, “Here comes another ‘twine’ versus ‘string’ debate.” Or maybe one of the more literate lads in Lincoln’s public schools had correctly used the word “niggardly” in an essay, prompting busloads of offended Al Sharptons to descend on the city in protest.

But, no.

“I go into nice family restaurants, and I see people throwing this name around and pretending as if everything is just fine. I’m talking about boneless chicken wings.”

At this point, laughter erupted in the gallery. Because of coronavirus social distancing restrictions, there weren’t many locals there to erupt, but they did what they could. Nobody ever accused Nebraskans of being quitters.

“I recommend that we as a city remove the name ‘boneless chicken wings’ from our menus and from our hearts.”

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Cardiology Sidebar: There are no bones in the human heart, either. But I digress.
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The Menu Nazi continued. “Nothing about boneless chicken wings actually comes from the wing of a chicken … but we go around pretending the breast of a chicken is its wing?”

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Anthropology Sidebar: That’s actually not all that unusual. College-age guys are constantly confusing a woman’s eyes with her breasts.
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The Birdman of Nebraskatraz then attempted to argue several reductio ad absurdum points, most of which were just absurdum. For example, he maintained, one never needs to order boneless tacos, or a boneless BLT, which means he’s obviously never eaten at a mall food court.

The Lincoln Logger did helpfully suggest some potential substitute names:

• Buffalo-style chicken tenders
• Wet tenders
• Saucy nugs
• Saratoga Springs-style deboned chicken breasts
• Disturbingly crunchy Chik-Fil-A nuggets
• One of those, I made up.
• Okay, maybe more than one.

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Marketing Sidebar: Personally, if somebody tried to sell me something called “saucy nugs,” I’d contact the FDA. But I digress.
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Finally, some of the attending Nebraskans who had stopped laughing thought it might actually be a good idea to get the Food and Drug Administration involved. After all, if there are no “wings” in wings, federal food labeling laws might be getting violated. But then somebody pointed out that the FDA is also the agency responsible for defining an “acceptable amount” of rodent hair in our nation’s peanut butter.

Meeting adjourned.

Hmm … I wonder if Hooters sells boneless owl wings.