(Yes, I know you’re vacuuming, but where’s dinner?)
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In 1958, I was one year old. I knew one word, if you don’t count “moossutbupphpuss.” I had a promising number of hair follicles, a to-die-for knitted hat, and an exceptional Body Mass Index. I was moderately well-behaved, mostly because I couldn’t walk far enough to damage anything. And it would be at least four more years before I would get interested in “the fairer sex.”

But guys all over America were way ahead of me. In the 1950’s, there was a whole lot of mate-hunting going on, a lot of it successful. After all, that’s what the term “baby boom” meant – a boom of babies. (“baby explosion” was voted down after an unfortunate incident involving a fraternity and helium balloons)

This last week, I came across a magazine article from 1958, designed to assist members of the fairer sex in finding and keeping a man. This was a long time before online dating apps and social media; heck, in those days, the most salacious public figure around was a professional musician named Lawrence Welk.

This “Getting My Guy” list consisted of 129 tips, organized by the alleged stages of the mate-hunting timeline:

• Where to find him (basically, outside your home, unless you’ve done this before)
• How to let him know you’re there (this list did not including wildly waving lingerie, but I’ve seen it done)
• How to look good to him (involves beer)
• How to land him (involves ether)
• Wild ideas – anything goes (like maybe binge-watching Lawrence Welk)

The list went to tactics that I thought were creative, cute, bizarre, embarrassing, stereotypical, insulting, and just plain weird – for then or for now. Let’s look over some of the more … well … determined tips.

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Where To Find Him

• Have your car break down at strategic places (I’d think this would involve several years of trade school, or at least a few weeknights in Portland)
• Read the obituaries to find eligible widowers (now if only the obits would include net worth…)
• Get lost at football games (but just a little – stay out of the huddle)
• Get a job demonstrating fishing tackle (Mom! Have you seen my waders?)
• Go to all school reunions; there may be widowers there (this recurring ‘widowers’ theme is a bit dark)
• Don’t be afraid to associate with more attractive girls; they may have some leftovers (leftovers…now that’s a promising romance)
• Volunteer for jury duty (recuse yourself if the defendant’s name is ‘Epstein’ – he might recognize you … awkward)
• Don’t room with a girl who is a sad sack and let her pull you down to her level (so when it comes to roommates, World War II  privates are right out)
• Learn to paint, and set up an easel outside an engineering school (don’t forget bail money)

How To Let Him Know You’re There

• Carry a hatbox (because nothing excites a man like a girl who stores all her wardrobe components in individual houses)
• Make a lot of money (Hi, Tom, I’m Mary. I’m rich. Oops. Insecure much?)
• Learn funny stories – just make sure you don’t tell him one more than once (so two nuns and a goat wa…oh, I did?)
• Stumble when you walk into a room that he’s in (Hey Tom, who’s the klutz?)
• Wear a band-aid; people always ask what happened (remember to remember what the injury was)
• Accidentally have your purse fly open, scattering its contents across the street (this pairs well with stumbling, and a nice Chianti)
• Buy a convertible – men like to ride in them (spice it up, too…make him sit in the back)
• Learn how to bake tasty apple pies – bring one into the office and let the eligible bachelors taste it (be careful how you word the invitation)
• If you’re at a resort, have a bellboy page you (telephone call for Rich Mary – telephone call fo… )
• Dropping the handkerchief still works! (corona masks, not so much)
• Stand in a corner and cry softly (If he asks why, that’s okay. If he starts crying, too, cull the rolodex.)

How To Look Good To Him

• Get a sunburn (The trick here is showing him where you’re not sunburned. Be tasteful.)
• Tell him he’s handsome (If he says thanks, that’s okay. If he says yeah I know, see ‘rolodex.’)
• Wear high heels most of the time – unless he’s shorter than you (if he’s gorgeous and short, like Tom Cruise, consider having your thighs removed)
• Order your steak rare (Don’t worry: while you’re small-talking him, it’ll keep cooking. Keep talking.)
• Use the ashtray; don’t crush out your cigarettes in a coffee cup (also, try to spit less)
• Don’t tell him about your allergies (because a little lying never hurt any relationship)
• If you look good in sweaters, wear one on every third date (if you don’t know what look good in sweaters means, you can stop reading now)
• Practice your drinking with your women friends first (you wouldn’t want to be on a date and order a medium-rare martini)
• Get that fresh-scrubbed look by scrubbing (Yeah? So how do I get that soaking-wet look? How about that slapped-in-the-head look?)
• Don’t whine – girls who whine stay on the vine! (but if you must whine, make it count – raise it an octave and throw in as much nasal twang as possible)

How To Land Him

• On the first date, tell him you aren’t thinking about getting married (see ‘a little lying’)
• Talk to his father about business and agree that taxes are too high (Yes, everybody’s father. See, in 1958, Democrats hadn’t been invented yet.)
• Don’t tell him how much your clothes cost (especially if you’re still wearing your work waders)
• If your mother is fat, tell him you take after your father – if your father is fat, too, tell him you’re adopted (if your guy’s fat, too, work the word “buffet” into the conversation)
• Learn to play poker (the game is diverting, but the face will be handy forever)
• Make your home comfortable when he calls – large ashtrays, comfy chairs (see, in 1958, lung cancer hadn’t been invented yet … but obesity had)
• Point out that the death rate of single men is twice that of married men (actually, the death rate for guys is 100%, regardless of guest towels)
• Resist the urge to make him over – before marriage, that is <rim shot>

Wild Ideas – Anything Goes

• Stow away on a battleship (prepare for unfathomable popularity)
• See what I did there? Battleship? Unfathomable? See?
• Stand on a busy street corner with a lasso (if a passing single guy tosses a coin at it, see ‘rolodex’)
• Carry a tow chain in your trunk (prepare to spend the next several weeks trying to figure out how to work that into a conversation)
• Paint your name and number on a roof and write ‘Give me a buzz, pilots’ (a good alternative if you can’t find a battleship)
• Go to Yale (I have no idea what that means)

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Interesting era, the 1950’s, eh? Apparently, everybody smoked, everybody lied, biological clocks were spinning like dervishes, and there were only two genders.

But maybe the best overall advice in 1958’s entire list was covered by this tip:

• Let it be known in your office that you have a button box and will sew on bachelors’ loose buttons
• But if he has too many loose buttons, don’t marry him

Ah, wisdom.