(pandemics, and elections, and varmints … oh, my!)
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I think the kids call it a mash-up (these days, everybody’s a kid to me).
What’s a mash-up? Well, first you find two seemingly unrelated things, like cowboys and spies, or Ben Stiller and a funny movie. Then you moosh them all together until you come up with a hit song, or a blockbuster movie, or something even funnier, like the mayor of New York solving systemic racism by gang-painting a street mural outside Trump Tower. (at least he was wearing a mask)
So this week, let’s try a mash-up: let’s moosh together various observations from the endless Summer of Virus, and an equally endless buffet of things that were said, or done, or might have been, by current presidential candidate Joseph Robinette Biden Jr.
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School districts across the US are rushing to reopen this fall, because several million cabin-fevered parents have had it, and are threatening to take to the streets and tear down statues of Alvin Howard, the creator of middle schools.
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A Biden campaign spokesdroid shared this comment on their plans for the mid-pandemic Democrat National Convention: “He likes to be out there where he can touch people.”
Yeah, we heard.
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Some protestors tried to steal part of Seattle and form their own country. They called the country Chaz, then changed it to Liam, then Elijah, and finally settled on Chop Meat. Within two days, local homeless people had stolen all the country’s food, and Chop Meat was forced to ask for foreign aid, which set a new record for Being a Really Lame Country.
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Joe: “Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids.”
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The Washington Redskins football team have agreed to change their name, which was found offensive by six people, or would have been if they’d been asked. Going forward, the team will be known as the Bethesda Redskins.
Rumor has it that the Atlanta Braves baseball team, coincidentally located in Atlanta, will henceforward begin calling themselves the Atlanta Somewhat Spunky Indigenous People.
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Joe: “We can speak out and be more face forward.”
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Congress agreed to return to work on Monday, then on Tuesday they left for a well-deserved two-week recess.
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Joe: “That saves billions of gallons of gasoline … I mean … bil … billions of, uh … two point … I think it’s two point three billion dollars … worth of … excuse me … five hundred billion dollars in savings … and two point something billion metric tons…”
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Here’s a 2020 Jumanji Next Level update: According to a news report, somebody in Colorado has contracted the Bubonic Plague from a squirrel. The human could not be reached for comment, but the squirrel is filing for a divorce.
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Joe: “So send the words ‘united’ to the number 30 330. 30 330. Or 303 330.”
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As further proof that quarantined Americans have got to get out of the house before it’s too late, an online photo of Demi Moore’s bathroom has gone viral.
If you stop reading to go find that photo, it’s already too late.
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Joe: “Ladies and gentlemen, a man who will be the next president of the United States: Barack America.”
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The state of South Carolina has agreed to allow protestors to perform minor abuse to a statue of Cletus Persimmon, founder of South Carolina’s first school for the ridiculously non-gifted, after learning that he once purchased an offensive set of condiment-shakers at Cracker Barrel.
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Joe: “Well, folks, eliminate one tax loophole out of a trillion six hundred billion worth … fo uh oh … a trillion four hundred billion worth … out of a billion … four hundred million … uh, excuse me, a trillion four hundred million…”
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The School of Cinematic Arts at the University of Southern California is removing a John Wayne exhibit because the man once said something silly. Not as silly as what the Arts School is doing to the Duke, but unspeakably silly, nonetheless.
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Joe: “I’m not gonna be a mule I got something to do I gotta go do boom boom boom”
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Earlier this week, Joe Biden was driven to his hometown of Scranton, PA, where he more or less managed to get out of the vehicle, and then he thanked the crowd for welcoming both of his wives to Idaho.
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Joe (circa 2006): “You cannot go to a Seven-Eleven or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.”
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In Atlanta, protestors blocked a busy downtown freeway, but due to normal Atlanta crosstown traffic, it was eighteen hours before anybody noticed.
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Joe: I wanna be clear. I’m not going nuts.”
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