(You might want to hurry)
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Okay, I’m gonna go out a limb here. I’m gonna assume tha, by now you’ve heard of social distancing. In fact, if you haven’t heard of it, then you’ve actually been doing it, really well, for a really long time.

Here in America, we’ve all busily practicing social distancing (I can’t speak for other countries, because they don’t live here.). Social distancing involves not standing close to other people, as if everybody you know was a pickpocket, or had just eaten tuna.

The reason that we’re distancing is due to an effort to minimize transmission of a global virus that seems to have begun because some people in China bought and ate a bunch of bats, possibly after growing tired of having to import soy sauce packets from Stone Mountain, Georgia.

As it turns out, eating exotic animals in a Communist country can lead to things like global pandemics, a shortage of iPhones, and widespread media hatred of Donald Trump.

The media, of course, is busy blaming President Trump for the virus, and Mexican beer, and disease in general. According to the press, Trump’s reaction to the virus was too slow, and too fast. He also over- and under-reacted. Whew. With moves like that, the man should sign up to compete in next season’s Dancing With The Network Not-My-Presidents.

As a result, America, right now, is pretty much a sovereign nation that’s been told, “Go to your room!”

So to help us all kill some time (sorry), here’s a little pre-apocalypse pop quiz. (It’s way longer than the post-apocalypse version. As if we’d ever know.)

Good luck!

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What do you call eight people singing in public?

• Martha Stewart’s stockbrokers
• Rejected jurors at a trial for Hillary Clinton
• Snow White and the Seven Les Misérables

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Later this year, according to rumors, Apple is preparing to

• Release a new version of the iPhone, which will include your several all-new emojis
• Release a new version of the iPhone, which will include your several all-new emojis and your own personal member of Congress
• Release your own member of Congress from prison

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According to a survey about the coronavirus crisis, Americans are most afraid of

• Dying
• Dying before binge-watching ‘Ragnarok’ on Netflix
• Being asked to die on the all-new Fox Nation, which is free for a limited time

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What do you call a group of people that seems immune to the current coronavirus?

• Half-naked bar-hopping millennials on spring break
• Three indistinct bachelor miners in West Virginia
• Congress

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Given that high blood pressure can be fatal, and low blood pressure can also be fatal, your best medical advice is

• When having your blood pressure tested, grit your teeth and squint really hard
• Resort to medieval barbers and leeches
• Have the IRS remove all your blood (if your business is making a profit, you’re already there)

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What do you call a two-hundred-pound female bodybuilder who claims to be identifying as a man?

• Confused
• Misunderstood
• Sir

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What was the main reason Spielberg’s “Jaws” was such a classic?

• It somehow got through an entire movie without Harrison Ford
• It didn’t mention any midget aliens named ET
• It didn’t present Richard Dreyfuss having sex

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Once upon a time during my K-12 years, I was a drum major. That makes me

• A music lover
• A candidate for the Nazi Youth
• Gay

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What do you call a person who has multiple graduate degrees in the study of the origin of words?

• An entomologist
• An etymologist
• Boring

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Long-term effects of COVID-19 on the human body include

• Exposure to New York Governor Mario Cuomo
• Moderate to severe death
• Geraldo Rivera

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The term ‘Manhattan Transfer” represents

• A nickname for a subway ticket
• An amazingly smooth vocal quartet
• A medical condition describing what might happen these days if you get within six feet of a stranger in Times Square

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You’re playing Scrabble online and somebody plays the alleged word ‘qwijy.’ Your response is

• You counter with the word ‘oxyphographpie’
• You qeep playing beqause you no longer qare
• You quit the game and donate your internet connection to science

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