(My, those children are tall! And old.)
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Not long ago, I watched the latest Free Stuff Promises Parade (aka Presidential debate) between the (then) six surviving Democrat candidates, because I care. And because it was either that, or League Bowling.

(For the record, here’s my political stance: I’m fiscally conservative and socially liberal, which means I have friends, but I can’t afford them.)

To call this latest gathering a “debate” is a bit of a stretch. It began as aggravated verbal assault and devolved into some kind of primal therapy shouting retreat. I think the high point may have been when all six candidates and all five moderators started whacking each other’s butts with paddle ball paddles, which actually happened, as far as you know.

I have to point out that all six tall loud children in the “diverse” Democrat debate were white, four were men, and up to two were women. (I’m still not sure about candidate Elizabeth Warren’s wiring; after all, she transitioned from Caucasian to Native American, so it’s anybody’s guess what bathroom she uses…this week.)

On the plus side, both Bidens seemed to be doing well. Yes, you read that correctly. At one point on the campaign trail, Presidential candidate Joe Biden claimed he was actually running for the Senate, and if you didn’t want to vote for him, you should go vote for “the other Biden.” (Maybe that’s Warren, transitioning again.)

There was no shortage of forgettable moments at the debate, but there were some keepers, too. Don’t quote me, but I think at one point Joe Biden yelled out that he’s the only candidate who’s slept with China’s President Xi Jinping. (Unfortunately, Joe pronounced Xi Jinping’s first name “Eleven.”)

Mayor Mike, commenting on the centuries-old “two-state” issue between Israel and Palestine,  announced that “The problem is, there are two States who both think God gave them the same land. The obvious solution is to split up the land.” Thanks, Solomon.

Candidate Bernie, one of those all-too-common millionaires who wants you to be a socialist and shut up, didn’t disappoint during the debate, or at the various events between the debate and the Super Tuesday primaries. He just keeps on raving like some looped animated GIF of Renfield from Bram Stoker’s Dracula. With all the waving, pointing, and leaning, Bernie’s physical demeanor conjures an image of some wild-haired humpback directing an orchestra that only he can see … and he is seriously ticked off at the woodwinds.

For his part, now-long-gone candidate Tom “Tom” Steyer pointed out that “We keep acting as if we were in the Twentieth Century of the Nineteenth Century.” Thanks, Tommy. See you sooner and later.

Candidate Tom also took a quick turn as a rapper at the debate, but nobody on stage picked up on it, because they’re all old white people.

And whoever advised Mayor Bloomberg to try and save his campaign by switching to stand-up comedy needs to apologize, resign, and dust off their resume. Mayor Mike makes Al Gore look like Andrew Dice Clay.

But let’s not blame the entire debate fiasco on the candidate slate. The debate moderators, basically, didn’t. They lost control like an obese cop at a Dunkin’ Donuts.

Moderator Hair Helmet: “Okay, we’re gonna take a short break, during which we hope you’ll all stop yelling, and then we’ll ask each candidate some personal questions. So, please take a few minutes to gather your thoughts, or, in your case, future Senators Biden and Biden, your thought. We’ll be right back.”

Joe Biden: “My also.”

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<Short commercial break, featuring an ad to purchase Hillary’s latest book, ‘800 More Reasons I Lost.’>
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Moderator: “Welcome back. Candidates, here’s our last question for each of you. What is the biggest misconception about yourself, and what is your motto? And then, we move on to the swimsuit competition.”

Joe Biden: “I wrote that law, got arrested in South Africa, freed Europe, and taught Manuel Noriega to dance the merengue.”

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Finally, since one of the Joe Bidens is currently in the lead, let’s twist the knife. Here’s a conversation he more or less had with Mike Wallace’s son, Chris Wallace:

Chris: “How do you counter being so out-spent?”
Joe Biden: “Money can’t make you something you are or something you aren’t.”
Chris: “Let’s leave it there.”
Joe: “Thanks, Chuck.”
Chris: “Chris.”