(Just some noticings.)
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It’s how one of America’s national treasures, Jerry Seinfeld, once described guys. And let’s be honest, guys — he tagged us.
Jerry Seinfeld, performing live on Broadway years ago, decided to disclose a deep, dark secret about the ‘man’ half of mankind. He asked the females in the audience if they wanted to know what guys were really thinking. And then he broke the news.
“Okay, I’ll tell you what guys are thinking. Nothing. We’re just walking around, looking around.”
For much of guydom, much of the time, that’s the truth. Most days, most guys aren’t looking for something to conquer, or confront, or damage, or date. We’re just non-furtively moving from place to place, trying to watch where we step, what we say, and who we promise stuff to.
And this past week, that’s what I did, mostly. I wasn’t looking to fix anything, create anything, or solve anything. I was just…walking around, looking around.
Here…walk with me:
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The voice in the TV ad warned, “Tell your doctor if you’re pregnant.”
Okay, here’s another warning: if your doctor doesn’t notice that you’re pregnant, you might want to keep doc-shopping. You know how you commonly hear the expression that doctors are “practicing” medicine? That one really is.
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President Trump’s prepping to leave for a trip to India. Apparently, somebody pointed out that there were three people on the subcontinent that Trump hasn’t offended yet.
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Last week, just
to see how it worked out, I tried my local grocery’s delivery service. It
almost went okay. I ordered, among other things, a bag of Reese’s minis. What I
got was four boxes of gluten-free Fruity Pebbles cereal. Mix-up at the
checkout, maybe.
I suppose that now, somewhere near me, there’s a Mom with a crying, hungry
child that’s about to become a diabetic.
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In the most
recent Presidential candidate debate, Joe “Tourette’s” Biden referenced his
“mental acruity.”
Your honor, the defense crests.
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At the pharmacy, around last Valentine’s Day, I saw a display of “I LOVE YOU ONLY” gift cards.
They were sold in packs of six.
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Somebody’s weather equipment is screwed up. They’re telling me it’s 39 degrees out, but last time I checked, rain doesn’t bounce.
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Made a quick stop at the local Barnes & Noble booksellers to see how my books were doing. Looks like I sold one last month, which is really going to screw up my taxes.
Walking by the “Mystery” section, I noticed that somebody had turned all the books round backwards, covers and spines hidden.
I wish I’d thought of that.
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So far this week, here are some of the words lobbed by the sad, lonely, still-living-in-my-parents-basement online trolls who find it necessary to cheat at Scrabble:
ZARF
DULIA
ZLOTY
AMBERINA
XU
I have got to start remembering these Scrabble cheaters’ hard-fought vocabularies, so I can keep up.
I actually knew zloty (it’s Polish currency), but didn’t expect to see it in an English dictionary, the key word here being English. By the way, xu is a Vietnamese monetary unit that’s worth one-hundredth of a dong. But you already knew that.
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And managing to glide past the opportunity to come up with a dong joke just now took much more effort than I’m proud to admit.
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Based on the models in their TV ads, I bet it’s nearly impossible to confuse a Peloton owner with a Wal-Mart shopper.
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I just saw a grinning woman in a TV ad shaving her legs…while driving.
C’mon, Darwin. Step up. Low-hanging fruit, this one.
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A recent conversation:
Friend: How many guitars do have now?
Me: Oh, over these sixty years, about a dozen.
Friend: Why? You can only play one at a time.
Me: How many vehicles do you have?
Friend: Four.
Me: Shut up.
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