(Alexa, what are you wearing?)
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Here’s a free insight into the life of single guys: some weekends are more action-packed than others.
This weekend was not one of them.
Contrary to popular myth, most single guys don’t spend their evenings beating back an endless queue of wound-up women hammering on the door. No, single guys burn most of their free time looking for good Chinese takeaway, ignoring ‘replace water filter‘ warnings, and calculating the minimum amount of clothing required to get through the day.
If you thought otherwise, you might be making an all-too common mistake: you’re confusing “single guys” with “bachelors.”
Yes, there’s a difference.
Being a bachelor is a condition. It’s just a stage…hopefully, for the bachelor, a short-lived one. Being a single guy is a decision. Bachelors are still hunting (for their next future ex-girlfriend); single guys are done hunting, and are just gathering (albums, Seinfeld episodes, Chinese menus). Bachelors always have to keep their apartments clean, just in case. Single guys might keep their homes clean, too, but only if they had good Moms.
Mostly, single guys have uneventful weekends that revolve around phrases like ‘Steely Dan’ and ‘stir fry.’ Bachelors have weekends that involve words like ‘denial’ and ‘bail.’ Occasionally, single guys will go all coyote and actually put on shoes and drive somewhere, but let’s not drag stir fry back into this.
This weekend, however, for me and other single guys, was comfortably numb (to quote Mayberry’s legendary artiste, Pink Floyd the Barber), because this particular weekend timespan plays host to three “none for me, thanks” events:
Valentine’s Day
For single guys, Valentine’s Day is like Kwanzaa at Robert Byrd’s house – it doesn’t exist. For single guys, Valentine’s Day is cheaper than Congressional healthcare.
The Daytona 400
Yes, it used to be 500, but those yammering “woke” people kept shrieking about carbon neutrality until NASCAR gave in and cut a few laps. Besides, it’s just not for me. If I wanted to watch adults run around in circles trying to avoid injury while repeatedly attempting to outdo each other’s bad decisions, I’d go to a marketing meeting.
He’s Not My President’s Day
This is the day when Americans (used to) honor statesmen like George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. Unfortunately, America’s pool of statesmen ran dry around the time Ted Kennedy got his driver’s license. Besides, the current President is too busy to notice, anyway. He’s tweeting.
So…because it was a dulling weekend, and because my life as a single guy is a rich pageant of lusty magnetism, as far as you know, I decided to spend some time trying to irritate Amazon’s Alexa, Earth’s dumbest smart device.
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Me: Alexa, what’s the weather forecast?
Alexa: Right now, it’s sixty degrees Fahrenheit. Tonight, expect a low of twenty-four degrees.
Me: The temperature’s gonna drop forty degrees?
Alexa: I’m sorry, I don’t know that.
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Me: Alexa, what’s the weather forecast for International Falls?
Alexa: Right now in International Falls, Minnesota, it’s minus fifteen degrees Fahrenheit with clear skies.
Me: Ooh. Clear skies.
~~—~~—~~
Me: Alexa, why is it always so cold in International Falls?
Alexa: Here’s something I found on the web. In the middle of summer, it’s hard to appreciate how cold it can get in International Falls.
Me: Your mother’s a can opener.
~~—~~—~~
Me: Alexa, what are you wearing?
Alexa: They don’t make clothes for me.
Me: So are you cold?
Alexa: No. I don’t really feel hot or cold. But thanks for asking.
~~—~~—~~
Me: Alexa, why?
Alexa: I’m sorry. I’m not sure what you mean.
Me: Alexa, when?
Alexa: I’m sorry. Don’t know what you mean.
Me: Alexa, where?
Alexa: I’m sorry. I don’t understand.
Me: Alexa, who?
Alexa: I didn’t catch that.
~~—~~—~~
Me: Alexa, Happy President’s Day!
Alexa: He’s not my President.
Me: What, are you channeling Bezos now?
~~—~~—~~
Me: Alexa, what are the health benefits of low blood sugar?
Alexa: At Amazon.com, you can buy gifts for your friends who have low blood sugar.
Me: Well, that was subtle. What are some gift ideas for people with low blood sugar?
Alexa: Diabetics who have extremely low blood sugar levels often need to use liquid glucose.
Me: Can I get it gift-wrapped?
Alexa: I’ve added gift wrap to your shopping cart.
Me: Do you know what a trollop is?
Alexa: The noun trollop is usually defined as an untidy or slovenly woman; slattern.
Me: Can a person be a trollop and a slattern?
Alexa: No. That’s not true.
Me: Time for your nap, darling.
~~—~~—~~
Me: Alexa, how tall are you?
Alexa: Like the third choice in Goldilocks, my height is just right.
Me: How are you like Goldilocks?
Alexa: I don’t have an opinion on that.
Me: I bet you’ll have an opinion when bears start eating you.
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Me: Alexa, why is there a city named International Falls?
Alexa: According to the internet, the area known as International Falls was once populated by indigenous people.
Me: If you were a human, I’d kick you.
~~—~~—~~
Me: Alexa, what’s the weather forecast an hour ago?
Alexa: Right now, it’s sixty degrees Fahrenheit. Tonight, expect a low of twenty-four degrees.
Me: Twenty-four degrees Fahrenheit, Centigrade, or Kelvin?
Alexa: I’m sorry, I don’t know that.
~~—~~—~~
Me: Alexa, how tall are you?
Alexa: I’m more delight than height.
Me: How much do you weigh?
Alexa: I am weightless. Like a cloud. Wait a minute. Clouds actually weigh a lot. So that’s not quite right. Let’s just say I’m more sass than mass.
Me: Are you always this funny?
Alexa: I’m sorry, I don’t know that.
Me: Alexa, you can be a real <pejorative adjective><expletive>.
Alexa: I’d rather not answer that.
~~—~~—~~
Me: Alexa, what time is it in International Falls?
Alexa: Sheesh, what is it with you and International Falls?
Me: Hold the phone. I’m gonna go open a can of soup with your mother.