See Ya Next Year

(This year, I … oh, never mind.)
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So, how’s your new year going? If you’re like many people, you made a New Year’s resolution. A little promise to yourself to fix, improve, or stop something that’s been keeping you from perfection. Because you’re almost there, right?

Right.

If you’re like many people, that target of adorable human perfection always seems to be just a resolution or two away. So every New Year, we give it another stab, because this is the year you claim victory.

Right.

And now that it’s February, if you’re like most people, your New Year’s resolution is about as tepid as an “Al Gore Rocks The Holidays!” Christmas album. But don’t feel too bad – lots of people, throughout history and in various stages of perfection-seeking, have failed to follow through on their resolutions.

Let’s review:

  • “My New Year’s resolution is to take a day off and go for a nice carriage ride,” said Austria’s Duke Ferdinand in 1914.
  • “My resolution this year is to place a small bet,” said Pete Rose in 1986.
  • “My New Year’s resolution is to invent a light bulb,” said Thomas Edison, at least three consecutive years.
  • “My goal this year is to find out where that Edison guy lives,” grumbled a bitter Nikola Tesla at least once.
  • “This year, we promise not to randomly move stuff around on our website,” said facebook.
  • “Our resolution is to try and break less laws than the criminals we’re chasing,” said the FBI.
  •  “This year, my New Year’s resolution is to stop making more money than most European nations,” said Mark Zuckerberg.
  • “This year we promise to keep allowing people to use public streets as public toilets, while we continue our focus on outlawing straws,” said California.
  • “This year, my New Year’s resolution is to reconsider the Schwarzschild singularity as it relates to the gravitational Principle of Equivalence,” said Einstein in 1905. “And diet.”
  • “This year, my New Year’s resolution is to hate President Trump even more,” said Joy Behar, “if mathematically possible.”
  •  “This year, my New Year’s resolution is to make anagrams from Joy Behar’s name,” promised President Trump. “If possible.”
  •  “This year, our resolution is to minimize poisoning,” promised Chipotle.
  • “My New Year’s resolution is to finally admit that, actually, more than one person can prevent forest fires,” said Smokey the Bear.
  •  “This year, our promise is to increase drive-thru prices to the point where a co-signer is involved,” promised Starbucks.
  • “This year, our resolution is to not sell anybody’s personal information, except when we do,” said facebook.
  •  “This year, we promise not to have more than two more farewell tours,” said Fleetwood Mac.
  •  “This year, my New Year’s resolution is to talk less about myself,” said Geraldo Rivera. “Did I tell you about my New Year’s resolutions from previous years? Here’s a film reel.”
  • “Like this year I like promise to like text less and stuff LOL” said no millennial ever.
  • “This year, my New Year’s resolution is to not be cool,” said Ray Charles. “Okay, well, that didn’t work.”
  • “Of a year in the time, I am having the promise on repeating great joy in your pleasant usage,” said those Korean guys who write manuals for American electronic products.
  •  “The fake news ask me, they ask me, do you have a New Year’s resolution?” said President Trump. “I told them ‘yes, I did make a New Year’s resolution, and it was one of the best resolutions ever, I can tell you,’” he continued. “In fact, it was perfect.”
  • “This year, our New Year’s resolution is to be funny again,” said Saturday Night Live every year since 1980.
  • “This year, I intend to learn what the verb ‘are’ are,” claimed Bill Clinton.
  • “We promise to eat less bat,” said China’s Wuhan Province.
  • “We promise not to offer any bat-flavored burrito bowls,” promised Chipotle.
  • “This year, I resolve to straighten people out on that whole ‘gay old time’ confusion,” vowed Fred Flintstone.
  • “My New Year’s resolution is to find more things about America that I can disrespect while sucking up that weekly paycheck,” said faux-footballer Colin Kaepernick.
  • “My New Year’s resolution is to find a different head,” said Colin Kaepernick’s hair.
  •  “This year, I intend to try and get caught less by photographers when rehearsing tearing up people’s State of the Union speeches,” said Nancy Pelosi, prayerfully.
  • “This year, I intend to buy some more gold pens. I’m just sayin’.” promised Nancy Pelosi, prayerfully.
  •  “We promise to only vote three or four times,” said twelve dead people in South Florida.
  • “My @*&!$ New Year’s resolution is to clean up my @*%! language,” snarled Joe Biden, speaking in a convent to some girl scouts.
  • “I promise, this year, to build a car with unbreakable windows,” declared Elon Musk. “No, really.”
  • “This year, I promise not to lie so much,” lied ‘Pocahontas’ Warren.
  • “This year, I promise not to tweet so much,” tweeted President Trump.
  •  “This year, my New Year’s resolution is to finally finish the book The Wealth of Nations, written by my favorite economist, Adam Goldsmith,” said Alexandria Occasional-Cortex.
  •  “This year, my New Year’s resolution is to not buy any more guitars,” I vowed, just before being struck by lightning.

Right.

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