(Still senseless after all these years)
~~~~~~~~~

This week, let’s peer ahead. Here are some possible breaking news stories, a decade from now, assuming we haven’t yet managed to out-partisan each other to death.

• Walmart jumpstarts the Christmas shopping season with a new “Black February” post-Thanksgiving sale. At a store in Texas, eighteen are trampled.
• A man in Colorado is charged with slaying a FoxNews reporter for saying, yet again, that something “went viral.” Local authorities were unable to empanel a jury, since nobody blamed the guy.
• facebook announces it now has over six billion users, including at least eight who log in using their real names. If facebook was a country, it would be the largest country on Earth, and Ron Paul would be demanding that America withdraw from facebook.
• In a landmark legal decision, the original Bill of Rights is modified, granting teenagers their God-given right to vape indoors. That same week, paradoxically, all references to God are officially removed from D.C. documents, federal currency, and Broadway productions.
• Amazon releases a “smart” Bluetooth toilet. It reportedly will play Alexa-curated music based on the occupant’s weight. Not to be outdone, Apple announces a prototype for a smart butt, the iBooty.
• In Paris, the world’s first commercially-available black hole is unveiled by Elon Musk, mega-entrepreneur and really rich guy. Unfortunately, it collapsed, and now Germany has a beach.
• Former President Donald Trump passes away due to a rare tweeting overdose.
• Starbucks releases its Sexaubertuple Grande, the first coffee to require a cosigner.
• Despite the passing of President Trump, several of the professional liberals in Congress, and Barbra Streisand, continue to file articles of impeachment. This marks the first time a guy has been accused of lying after dying, if you don’t count Bill Clinton’s career.
• Scientists in Sweden discover four more genders, bringing the official gender total to 73, plus whatever Geraldo is.
• Several million facebook users, all named Bob, vow again to invade Area 51. Six actually show up, and none of them are actually named Bob. The other nearly several million and six couldn’t find Area 51 because they’d been busy thumb-texting during high school and forgot to learn how to count that high.
• In a tough setback for the gun lobby, scientists discover the semi-automatic AR-15 Cain used to slay Abel.
• Author Stephen King releases his millionth novel, The Shining Stand of Carrie’s Misery, starring someone who looks like Jack Nicholson before he began identifying as Shelley Duvall. The book logs in at 1,426 pages, making it the shortest novel King has published this week.
• Elon Musk establishes a GoFundMe page to help former Congressperson Adam Schiff purchase a pair of eyelids.
• After a career that spanned decades, Geico’s gecko finally retires. When asked how he plans to spend his retirement, he rolled his eyes and quipped, “Chasing women and eating crickets. What else?”
• Fleetwood Mac announces yet another farewell tour, their fifth since The Eagles announced their latest farewell tour. The tour features only two shows, both at The Villages retirement community in central Florida.
• A new grocery chain opens, catering to single guys who have never in their entire lives seen the other half of a head of lettuce.
• A decade after they got rid of “unfair” admissions tests, the University of California at Berkeley drops any requirements that students actually show up.
• Scientists that, as far as you know, don’t work for the tobacco industry, now claim that cigarettes never actually caused cancer. It was the lighters.
• FoxNews releases a reboot of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, starring Hillary Clinton as Ebenezer Scrooge and the ghost of Jeffrey Epstein as the ghost of Jacob Marley.
• Scientists have discovered a ten-year-old relic of Elizabeth “Pocahontas” Warren caught telling the truth.
• No, they didn’t.
• Scientists discover life on Mars. The entire planet signs up on facebook.
• Obsessed conservative news outlets continue to insist there’s an immigration crisis at our Southern border, which is now somewhere in Kansas. The New York Times devoted their full front page to an article debunking the absurd scaremongering. The article was written in Spanish.
• After the ACLU demanded he could, a man gets pregnant. Scientists would’ve been stunned, except science had been banned after the recent “Is That Trump’s Real Hair?” fiasco.
• Email spammers finally give up on trying to interest me in amazing drones, foot fungus cures, and Russian brides.
• No relief, though, from Republicans begging for money to stop Trump’s post-mortem impeachment.
• How, exactly? What are they gonna do with my money, pay somebody to change the locks on the Rayburn building? Ask Hillary to organize a few dozen suicides?
• Actually, that could happen. If you don’t hear from me in 2040, you’ll know why.