(and grammar rules of which I’m sick of)
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These days, America has a lot to be proud of, if you don’t count dangling prepositions. We have robots that can vacuum, and cars that can crash themselves. We’ve eradicated polio, and personal responsibility. We’ve been to the moon, which is in Arizona. And we’ve learned how to spell “LOL” with our thumbs, thereby guaranteeing a comfy retirement for everyone in upper management at Apple.

But according to recent tests, we’ve badly dropped the ball when it comes to Americans’ collective knowledge about democracy, US History, and how to eat peanuts without dying. When given a recently administered Citizenship test, forty-nine States failed to pass. In fact, only Vermonters (Vermontians? Vermontese? Vermonsters?) managed to collectively score over 50%. Maybe it’s all that maple syrup. As it turns out, the State that scored dead last was Louisiana, where they have no syrup to speak of.

Sorry — where they have no syrup of which to speak.

Test scores in South Carolina, my home State, were nothing to brag about. Sorry — they were nothing about which to brag. Only 3% of those tested scored an A, 80% scored a D or an F, and 41.7% thought Alan Alda had fought in the Korean War. These test results are scores that South Caroliniatives shouldn’t put up with. Sorry — scores up with which we should not put. I mean, we went to the trouble of building Charleston and everything.

The test was administered by the Woodrow Wilson National Fellowship Foundation, named for former President Woodrow “Woody” Wilson. When questioned, only 24% of Americans knew that Wilson was President (1913 – 1921) during World War I (1914 – 1918), though 51% thought World War I was caused by Donald Trump, even though he wasn’t born till 1946. (30% thought Woodrow Wilson was a member of the Beach Boys.)

So, without further ado … and before I dangle another preposition … here’s our take on Woody Wilson’s state-stumping, multiple-choice citizenship quiz. Good luck!

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There were thirteen original States. Please select the option that names three of them.

• Connecticut, Massachusetts, Maine
• New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York
• Mississippi State, Penn State, Ohio State
• Bliss, Concern, Confusion

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Who wrote the Declaration of Independence?

• James Madison
• George Washington
• Thomas Jefferson
• George Jefferson

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What territory did the United States buy from France in 1803?

• Louisiana
• Michelin
• Jerry Lewis
• Parts of Marlon Brando

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When was the Constitution written?

• 1492
• 1776
• 1789
• How would I know? Ask Vermont.

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Which of the following wars was fought by the United States in the 1800’s?

• World War I
• World War II
• Mexican-American War
• Star Wars: Rise of the Puritans

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What did Susan B. Anthony do?

• Designed America’s first flag
• Fought for women’s rights
• Made the first counterfeit dollar coin
• Dallas

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Before he became President, Dwight Eisenhower was a general. What war did he fight in?

• World War II
• Korean War
• The second Vietnam War
• Aunt Jemima’s Invasion of Vermont

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Who did the United States fight in World War II?

• The Soviet Union
• Germany, Italy, and Japan
• The Department of Motor Vehicles
• Bakers who wouldn’t make gay birthday cakes

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What is one right or freedom guaranteed by the First Amendment?

• Speech
• Bear arms
• Affordable Chinese takeout
• Life, liberty, and the pursuit of the Founding Mothers

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Why did the colonists fight the British?

• To end taxation without representation
• Unfettered access to Beatles’ albums
• An irrational fear of men in red jackets
• Because nobody wanted to open a building supplies chain named “Colonists Depot”

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Which of the following expressions sounds really dirty, but actually isn’t?

• Dangling preposition
• Schism
• Orlando Bloom
• Parts of Marlon Brando

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Who was President during World War I?

• Woodrow Wilson
• Abraham Lincoln
• Benjamin Franklin
• Jimmy Stewart

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What is one thing Benjamin Franklin is famous for?

• Winning World War I
• Inventing the light bulb
• First Postmaster General
• Accidental electrocution

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There are four amendments to the Constitution on who is able to vote in U.S. elections. Which of the following describes one of these amendments?

• Only citizens by birth can vote
• Only citizens 18 years of age and older can vote
• Only white male Republicans can vote, if you believe CNN
• Any human with a pulse can vote, and in Ohio, even the pulse is optional

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Who was President during the Great Depression and World War II?

• Franklin Roosevelt
• Teddy Roosevelt
• Teddy Pendergrass
• According to her biography, Hilliary Clinton

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Who said, “Give me liberty or give me death”?

• George Washington
• Washington Irving
• Patrick Henry
• Patrick Swayze

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Who is not a writer of the Federalist Papers?

• James Madison
• Alexander Hamilton
• Thomas Jefferson
• Steven Spielberg

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How many amendments does the U.S. Constitution have?

• 26
• 27
• 1776
• like way bunch n stuff LOL (facebook post from a non-Vermontian)

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Why should America finally elect Hillary Clinton as our President?

•  

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During the Cold War, what was the main concern of the United States?

• Climate change
•  The birth of Geraldo Rivera
• The unchecked spread of communism
• The unchecked spread of Die Hard sequels

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How many Justices are on the U.S. Supreme Court?

• Nine
• Ten
• Eight, excluding that dozing Ginsburg chick
• Three, including Diana Ross

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Which of the following is a U.S. territory?

• Bermuda
• Guam
• post-General Motors Detroit
• Hawaii, after liberals ban plane travel

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