(The inmates are running the asylum)
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You may (or may not) have noticed that the Federal government, which is approximately 240 years old, is currently dysfunctional. On the other hand, it’s been fairly dysfunctional for approximately 239 years, 11 months. So what’s new? Well, now the government’s sorta kinda closed…and still dysfunctional.
You know, it takes a special kind of stupid to be simultaneously inert and useless, but still expensive.
As I write this, we’re on day twenty-nine of the longest partial government shutdown in American history. So what does it mean, “partial government shutdown?” Basically, it happens like this:
The scatterbrained truants running the Executive and Legislative branches of government get into a playground scuffle over the federal budget (this happens at least once every … single… bloody … year). Sometimes, the adolescents in Congress will solve the problem with something known as a CR (Continuing Resolution), which is just a $64 synonym for another schoolyard game we used to call “kick the can.” But sometimes not, and so they have to resort to time-honored debating tactics, like pouting, and holding your breath. Then, someone from Washington comes on TV and admits, with an absolutely straight face, that fully a quarter of the Federal government’s 3.25 million employees are “non-essential.”
You know, because the federal government is so debt-free…
Ever been called non-essential? Not exactly a career-warming motivational challenge, is it? But they’re just getting started. See, because since the opposing teams on the free world’s most expensive playground can’t agree on which trillion dollars gets spent where first, all you non-essential employees are furloughed.
In other words, ”Okay, 800,000 non-essential people. Go home, and good luck with the mortgage. Oh, yeah … Merry Christmas!”
Etymological Sidebar: the origin of the term furlough appear to be West Germanic. Basically, furlough can be translated as “Fine. If you won’t let me play first base, I’ll just take my government and go home.”
Understand – the blameless 800,000 inside the D.C. beltway will still get paid…eventually (see kick the can). They’ll get full back pay, whenever the President and Congress finally kiss and make up … which should happen any day now, because during a shutdown, Congress doesn’t get paid, either.
Oh, wait…
So, for the historical record, let’s review some of the timeless timeline highlights from this latest Petty Incalcitrant Government Shutdown (P.I.G.S.):
11 December 2018
10.00a: Speaker Pelosi and Senator Schumer meet with the President and Vice-President at the White House to discuss funding for national security (event catered by Hardee’s)
10.10a: Trump waves his arms a lot, while Vice-P Pence, who allegedly spoke once in 1988, remains silent
10.30a: Pelosi challenges Trump’s manhood, and Trump responds with something garbled that ends with “I assure you.”
10.35a: At this point, several of Schumer’s vertebrae seem to collapse, and he develops a massive facial tic that makes him look like Yoda on amphetamines
10.40a: Pelosi almost. Trump almost. Pence almost giggles. Schumer snaps and lunges for the President’s throat.
11.30a: Meeting adjourns
11.45a: CNN teases an eight-part investigation into Trump’s manhood. Host: Anderson Cooper.
11.46a: MSNBC plays the entire meeting in reverse and claims to hear Trump chanting, “I buried Paul Manafort.”
11.47a: BuzzFeed reports that one of Trump’s ancestors once told a young George Washington to lie to his father
11.50a: Insider sources at CBS confirm that the ghost of Dan Rather materialized and has begun blaming Donald Trump for George W. Bush
11 January 2019
8.00a: Pelosi tells Trump to postpone the State of the Union address
8.15a: Trump tells Pelosi to postpone her flight to Sardi’s for tapas
8.16a: Geraldo Rivera posts a photo of himself eating tapas
8.30a: Pelosi accuses Trump of publishing her travel plans
8.40a: Trump accuses Pelosi of trying to sneak snacks into the on-flight movie
8.45a: BuzzFeed reports that Trump once told Joan Rivers to lie about her age
8.50a: Citing national security concerns, White House Press Secretary Sanders claims that every woman crossing the border illegally could be forced to shop at Target
9.00a: California Congressperson Maxine Waters classifies Trump’s haircut as “High Crimes and Misdemeanors” and renews her demands for impeachment
10.05a: Adam “Ferret Face” Schiff claims to have evidence that Trump is Satan
10.30a: Trump says Pelosi has a big butt
11.15a: Pelosi calls Trump a great big doodie-head
11.18a: Trump tweets, “I know you are, but what am I?”