(What’d he do now?)
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President Trump.

In the history of this nation, no four syllables have triggered more fear and loathing amongst the American media … at least not since medical science coined the expression “bowel blockage.”

November 2016. It was a stunner. Against all odds, Donald Trump – a businessman who evidently took up politics as a hobby – was elected President of the United States. And in the ensuing two years since The Donald dope-slapped Hillary “It’s my turn, dang it” Clinton, the career liberals in DC, Hollywood, and News Media haven’t been able to stop binge drinking. They can’t get over how wrong they were, as they were forced to watch as candidate Trump ran over Hillary like Herschel Walker in a Wellesley sophomore scrum.

How? the collective liberal collective still ponder. How did Hillary lose? Of course, several dozen million of us useless voters have figured it out. Hillary, whose wardrobe consultants appear to be the same gang that makes casings for festive hot dogs, seems to have run for President purely on this populist platform:

• You’re all scum.
• I deserve to be President.
• Vote for me or I’ll have the IRS audit you.
• And your little dog, too.

Yet despite that overwhelmingly positive presentation, Hillary lost. And ever since, it’s been wave after wave after nauseous wave of Trump Derangement Syndrome.

I can’t remember ever seeing a public figure with odd hair so violently attacked for doing things … and for not doing the same things. Earlier this year, at a traditional White House Thanksgiving ceremony, the man was castigated for pardoning a turkey, and for not pardoning a turkey, and for pardoning more than one turkey. (Off-camera, Congress broke out in a violent argument over canned versus fresh cranberries, but I won’t drag you into that.)

Of course, out here on the streets — among Hillary’s scum — it’s all just stupid, and savage, and silly (yeah, scum’s like that). If the American public were as anti-starvation as the America media are anti-Trump, it would signal the end of world hunger … and then, that night on CNN, President Trump would be accused of inciting an outbreak of global obesity.

And the name-calling has soared to galactic levels. It’s gotten way past the run-of-the-mill taunts that we’re all used to: traitor, coward, booger-face, big fat fatty. I’ve heard what appear to be adult members of the mainstream media referring to the current American President as Hitler (must be the moustache…oh, wait), President Negative Ion (that’s a bad thing?), and Magnet Butt (I got nothing).

Another out-of-control juggernaut has been the mind-numbingly dull (and obscenely expensive) “non-partisan” probe attempting to prove President Trump colluded with Russia during the election (“collusion” is a complex legal term, loosely translated as “he admitted to once spotting a Russian at the airport”). I suppose this desperate lurch from reality was intended to help explain why Hillary didn’t get elected by people she referred to as scum. Obviously, it was Moscow’s fault.

And, of course, Trump’s.

But don’t just take my word for it. Here are some real headlines, originating from actual media sources, as far as you know:

• This just in: President and First Lady Trump made a surprise visit to US troops in Iraq. The media accused Trump of pandering to an out-of-control military.
• This just in: President and First Lady Trump did not visit US troops in Iraq. The media accused Trump of not supporting our military.
• This just in: While making an unwarranted visit to Iraq, President Trump blithely ignored centuries of military protocol by autographing some servicemen’s caps. When someone pointed out that President Barack “Teleprompter” Obama had done the exact same thing, CNN accused the deplorable gun-toting rabble-rouser of trying to change the subject.
• This just in: despite decades of holiday tradition, President Trump ruthlessly ignored millions of precious American children during the Christmas season by not taking time to answer their phone calls.
• This just in: despite pressing national and global issues, President Trump wasted several hours over the holidays by personally answering children’s phone calls.
• This just in: While speaking to an unprotected 7-year-old on the phone, President Trump brutally queried the youngster as to her beliefs in Santa Claus. According to CNN’s unnamed sources in the field of child psychology, President Trump has likely psychically scarred the child for life.
• This just in: President Trump cured cancer. The media accused Trump of attempting to put millions of doctors out of business.
• This just in: President Trump refuses to cure cancer for undocumented future Democrats in migrant caravans. CNN accused the President of colluding with Bolshevik HMOs, despite the pesky, inconsiderate fact that there aren’t any.

And we can look forward to two more years of it. Stay tuned – early next year, Trump gets blamed for gluten, the heartbreak of psoriasis, and causing and not causing weather.