(It’s time for a 12-step program.)

~-~-~-~-~-~

The madness continues.

TDS, they call it. Trump Derangement Syndrome, diagnosed as a progressive illness presenting in four stages:

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Denial

• Trump didn’t win.
• He’s not my President.
• Hillary won.

Anger

• Look what you Trump supporters have done!
• You belong in a basket of deplorables!
• Hillary won, *&!*-!^#.

Isolation

• I can’t be your wife anymore, because you are just a great big stupid.
• I’m, like, defriending you and stuff lol.
• Like Hillary, who won, I’m going into the woods.

Conversion

• I’m white and ashamed of it.
• Trump’s tax cuts are bringing out my inner socialist child.
• HILLARY IN 2020

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Therapy sessions and support groups are springing up all across America, except for the 48 States that aren’t New York or California. Chic, trendy clinics are packed with desperately depressed Hillary supporters, wildly switching genders, sharing peanut allergy anecdotes, and swapping gluten-free recipes. The bitterly disappointed media are describing a Trump-era dystopia that would make George Orwell blush.

And Donald John Trump is being blamed for EVERY.THING, from racism, to cholera, to the sacking of Rome. (MSNBC floated a rumor, citing an unnamed source, that it was actually President Trump, not Thetis, who dipped Achilles in the River Styx.)

Here are some more things that President Trump did, or didn’t do, or should’ve done, or not done, or done differently, or left alone…sometimes, all at the same time. Besides both curing and causing cancer, Donald Trump is apparently responsible for:

• Job growth
• The lack of job growth
• Humidity
• White people
• Simultaneously being too friendly with Israel, and not being friendly enough with Israel
• Tinnitus
• Splashing bacon grease
• Corporate hiring prejudices
• Corporate hiring prejudices against bacon grease
• That “My Pillow” guy
• Failing to meet with the leader of North Korea
• Meeting with the leader of North Korea
• The price of roses during the week before Valentine’s Day
• Mesquite-flavored snacks
• The movie Ishtar
• General homeowner confusion about Daylight Savings Time
• The heartbreak of psoriasis
• Openly marrying a rude woman who dared to take some personal time after having kidney surgery
• Running Ted Kennedy off the road
• Stephen King’s uncanny ability to author two entire books during the cab ride to his publisher to pick up his check for the seven 900-word short stories he wrote last week
• Kale omelets
• Daring to marry a woman who lied about having kidney surgery when, in fact, she was plotting to leave her husband (according to MSNBC, a group of yammering opinion merchants who still believe Obama was conceived without human parents)
• The success of ObamaCare
• The failure of ObamaCare
• The repeal of ObamaCare
• The failure to repeal ObamaCare
• The ObamaCare website, a project that was so lame, it was as if building a poorly-designed website that cost taxpayers two billion dollars was an Olympic event
• Freezer burn
• Barnacles attaching to ships
• Brazenly marrying a woman who dared to claim she’d had kidney surgery when, in fact, she’d actually had plastic surgery (according to CNN, a spastically incompetent “news” source that will call two instances of anything a “trend”)
• Amelia Earhart’s disappearance
• The fact that the economy is good, or bad, or not as good as NBC news anchors think it ought to be, based on their decades of experience in global macro-economics, as far as you know
• Those non-R months when you can’t eat oysters
• Pneumonia
• Allowing India to have so many official languages
• The rampant outbreak of unlicensed, unregulated, untaxed lemonade stands, operated in American suburbs by pre-puberty entrepreneurs
• The failure of the Ford Edsel
• Music by Zamfir, Slim Whitman, and every album that includes the phrase “Plays The Beatles” in the title
• Offering to pardon Muhammed Ali, even though Ali didn’t need a pardon
• Failing to offer a pardon to Muhammed Ali, even though Ali didn’t need a pardon
• Nurturing an innate hatred of people who may or may not need a pardon
• People not flossing
• Ridiculous hashtags like #bobisthebesthusbandincharlestonsouthcarolina
• The out-of-control release of endless Die Hard sequels