(Women, I can tell you what guys are thinking: nothing. — Jerry Seinfeld)

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“Absolutely nothing. We’re just walking around, looking around.”

And this week, while walking and looking, here’s some of what I saw:

• This just in: According to reporters, a sinkhole has developed on the White House’s North Lawn. Leaders in the Democratic Congressional caucus immediately demanded their own sinkhole. Members of the mainstream media accused President Trump of turf abuse, and Geraldo Rivera was dispatched to search the hole for Jimmy Hoffa.
• In this week’s spam, an offer to buy an “undetectable dagger.” So, watch out, rude neighbor with the incontinent dog.
• Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein has now been officially charged with rape, criminal sex acts, sexual abuse, and sexual misconduct. Once, I got pulled for speeding. Obviously, I have set my life’s deviancy goals way too low. Interesting word, “mogul.” For most of us, “mogul” means a bump on a ski slope. On obscenely rich people’s level, it means “Back off, toad. I could buy your family tree and sell it for a loss.”
• According to the internet (yeah, I know), 41 million Americans are travelling this Memorial Day weekend. And this morning on the way to work, every bloody one of them was in front of me. Who knew there were 41 million cars in America, none of them equipped with turn signals, and all sold by loud car salesmen wearing brown shoes beneath grey suits.
• As of Q1 2018, facebook has 2.2 billion more-or-less human subscribers, including eighteen people who are allegedly using their real names. Sadly, Mark Zuckerberg’s facebook page only lists around 111 million “friends,” so he kinda sucks at this. How’s that young man gonna make a living?
• This week’s Celebrity Dude That Groped Dozens Of Women Decades Ago And They All Suddenly Remembered At The Same Time is actor Morgan Freeman. I keep waiting for some agency to posthumously arrest Wilt Chamberlain.
• According to the internet (yeah, I know), the chances of you getting bitten by a shark are ten times less than your chances of getting bitten by other people in New York. I think the takeaway here is obvious — don’t swim in the Bronx.
• I’ve been paying for monthly pest control for most of my adult life. But, buff guy in the TV ads notwithstanding, I’ve never once had a pest control guy show up who looks like he belongs in a fireman-of-the-month calendar.
• Starbucks has decided you can use their bathrooms for free. This is a huge victory for mankind, because before, if you wanted to pee at Starbucks, you had to pony up $4-$10 and say stupid phrases like “double whip grande Aristotelian pumpkin latte embracing serene reggae testosterone, on the side, and a biscotti” with a straight face.
• The actual story: GRATEFUL AFRICAN-AMERICAN MOTHER EMBRACES PRESIDENT AT D.C. MEETING. The CNN headline: BLACK WOMAN PLEADS FOR HER LIFE AS TRUMP BREAKS HER ARM AT KKK RALLY. The MSNBC follow-up: “Two minutes after the brutal attack, Trump bit off her thumb and used it to vote in Venezuela. Twice. Such an animal, this guy.”
• Good news, bad news. Finally … finally … an online company has stepped up to the plate and is willing to deliver Mexican food to my house. For a single guy, this is the Holy Grail. And I’m gonna weigh 800 pounds.
• This past week, among President Trump’s other accomplishments — or, as the mainstream media refers to them, “flagrant executive overreach” — the President has managed to free an American held captive for two years by Venezuela, prompting the media to go ballistic about Trump’s innate hatred of brown people, Catholics, and plantains. Meanwhile, ex-President Barack O’Teleprompter managed to land his own TV show on Netflix, earning him the Nobel prize for Illiterature.
• At my work this week, I got spam with the subject, “Barry, looking for some insight.” But what my brain saw was “…some tonight.” Turns out it was a sales pitch from some guy at PluralSight, a top-shelf company that offers software training. Sheesh…I can’t believe I just got aroused by JavaScript lessons.
• Earlier this week, I watched a dove, out at my front lawn bird feeder, trying to Harvey Weinstein another dove. Suddenly, eight more distaff doves showed up and claimed to be victims, according to their lawyer, celebrity attorney Gloria Allred.
• According to the Pew Research Center, only one out of four Americans have read a book in the past year, and that number drops to one in ten if you don’t count books by Dr. Suess. According to the internet (yeah, I know), nearly a million books are published every year in the US, more than half of them by Stephen King. And according to a Jimmy Kimmel interview-on-the-street segment, many people can’t even name a book. Among the stabs taken by those interviewed: The Jungle Book, The Lion King, and some book titled “Horse” by an author named “Moby Dick.”

And still some wonder why other life forms never visit Earth…