(The fountain of youth edges closer)

~-~-~-~-~-~

Okay, fellow Earthlings. Here’s a bit of good news! It looks like some scientists in Boston have managed to reverse aging in mice. You know, because all of mankind’s other problems have already been solved.

And as a concerned, caring citizen of Earth, I say it’s about time. I mean, c’mon. Mice are people, too, though which is uglier has yet to be decided. Fred Sanford, that grumpy old junk dealer from TV’s Sanford & Son, used to say there’s nothing in the world uglier than a 90-year-old white woman. But maybe we should pull the tapes from the vault and review that episode. Maybe Mr. Sanford was misquoted. Secretly, maybe Fred was a rodent expert.

“Lamont, nothing in the world is uglier than a 90-year-old Mus musculus, except your Aunt Esther. Mus musculus, also known as the common house mouse, characteristically have small ears and a high breeding rate, like frat boys in college. The species is found all over the world, except for Antarctica (no relation to Aunt Esther).”

Soon, though, thanks to the miracles of science, we won’t have to worry about ugly old mice. (For now, however, if you got stuck with an ugly cat, you’re on your own.)

And speaking of pets — why aren’t we working on a way to make them immortal? Why do mice get to be the first to live forever? Maybe it’s some kind of Smart Guy Guilt Compensation therapy for all the centuries scientists spent using mice as guinea pigs, without even asking the mice if they wanted to identify as guinea pigs or, for that matter, Bruce Jenner.

(In related animal news, the Pentagon is now being pressured to allow small transgendered rodents to serve in combat. The primary holdup appears to be in getting Northrop Grumman to make really tiny dog tags.)

Why not let butterflies live forever? They don’t eat much. In fact, I once read about a species of butterfly that’s lifespan is so short, they don’t even have a digestive system. Their sole function is to reproduce and then die, like some Catholics. For these butterflies, their only goal in life is sex, like frat boys in college, but with wings.

Here’s the science behind the Harvard discovery: the key ingredient is a molecule that somebody named NAD, possibly because they couldn’t spell DNA. Humans need NAD to live, as do mice, software developers, and some members of Congress. But as we grow older, the level of NAD in our cells drops, which can lead to DNA damage, which can lead to the diseases associated with aging, which can lead to endless TV commercials featuring that world-renowned medical expert, former game show host Chuck Woolery.

So, one day, when a Harvard doctor named David boosted NAD levels in the blood vessels of old mice, the mice miraculously discovered that immortality medication was not covered by ObamaCare. But according to Doctor David, their tiny little mouse blood vessels were suddenly young again, thanks to the NAD injections. (unless the mice had suddenly started buying cholesterol-control medications, as advertised by Chuck Woolery)

No rest for the rejuvenated rodents, of course — they were immediately forced to run on a treadmill for hours, which is the mouse equivalent of having to attend a Marketing Department meeting. A round of mouse measurements (I don’t want to know) confirmed that the re-NADDED mice were, indeed, now immortal, prompting a stern tweet from the leader of the National Cat Lobby, Tom ‘Grumpy’ Cat.

Response from the global community to the medical mouse breakthrough was, of course, mixed. For example, predictions from the financial sector were more sober:

Side-Effects of Immortal Mice

• Sales of mouse traps projected to go through the roof
• Cheese futures to plummet

So now, as you probably guessed, next up for Doctor David is to get FDA approval to start re-NADDING humans. I’m not sure that’s the best idea:

Side-Effects of Old People Acting Like Young People

• Sports bars replace live college football with reruns of The Golden Girls
• Gangs of NAD-packing drug dealers hanging around retirement homes
• Starbucks declares bankruptcy after thousands of patrons nod off in the drive-thru lane
• Long lines at concert arenas to see the grunge bands with names like “Roughage”
• Beer-induced fist fights on the shuffleboard court
• 25 more Star Wars reboots featuring octogenarian hero, Luke Rolling Walker
• Women at singles bars having to tolerate pick-up lines like ‘So, you come here often?’ and ‘So, any idea if you come here often?’
• An onslaught of tweets and facebook posts that actually use correct grammar and punctuation
• Online dating profiles updated to include favorite music by decade, high-sodium issues, and irritable bowel syndrome
• Nightclub bouncers required to implement “under age” and “over age” dates of birth
• An onslaught of NAD injection ads, featuring Chuck Woolery
• Restaurant hat-and-coat-check services updated to include colostomy bags
• Endless testimonial spam emails with subject lines like 650-year-old woman shares her secrets
• Valet drivers at tony restaurants forced to park and retrieve personalized golf carts
• Various Dancing With… TV shows that you will never be able to un-see

(In related animal news, some defense attorneys now want to ban support dogs in courtrooms. They say juries could be influenced by the dogs, in favor of the defendant. Possibly so, possibly so. Particularly if the support dogs are taking NAD injections.)