(the Wild Kingdom just got wilder)
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Dateline: January 20 2019, Topeka, Kansas — “Please raise your right paw. Do you solemnly swear…”
Welcome to Kansas, where any…um…mammal can grow up to be Governor.
Last week, after hearing that six teenagers were officially planning to run for governor of Kansas, a man in Hutchinson KS filed for his dog Angus to run for the office, too. Probably as a Republican.
Now we know why Dorothy left Kansas.
Meanwhile, in Iran, a senior military advisor (no, not John Kerry) was busy making the claim that the U.S. and Israel were using atomic lizards as spies.
It must be the heat.
Back in Kansas…the six aforementioned ambitious teens had decided to make a run for the Capitol after discovering that, technically, there were no qualification requirements to become gubernatorial candidates, except maybe the ability to say “gubernatorial” without busting out laughing. And when Angus’ human heard that, he naturally began wondering where Kansan electors might draw the line. A state official, when questioned by local reporters, tried to remain neutral. “I cannot point to a law that sets any qualifications to run for governor. So if a dog tried to file…”
Hey, here’s an “minimum requirements” suggestion before pursuing a political career: opposable thumbs. (On the other hand, that might rule out several sitting members of the U.S. Congress. But on the plus side? Leash laws.)
The reptile-averse Iranian military advisor challenged that evil Western governments were deploying lizards and chameleons to track Iran’s nuclear shenanigans (funded by John Kerry) because, to quote the advisor: “We found out their skin attracts atomic waves.”
[cue Japanese monster movie]
Naturally, when faced with having to put pooches on the ballot, Kansas politicians with less legs jumped into action. Something had to be done. After all, they reasoned, we can’t condone having some panting Lassie cutting the ribbon at new construction groundbreakings. When Weevil County dedicates a bridge to Orville Toebenker, we can’t have Cujo grabbing a mic to read a few respectful words about the Toebenker family. And it wouldn’t do to stage Rin Tin Tin in a photo op at the State Fair during an election year to prove his deeply-held humanitarian nature by serving barbecue.
There is, therefore, a bill currently under consideration by the Kansas legislature that would require future gubernats to be human. This, of course, will come as sad news to any radioactive Jewish lizards who aspire to live in Topeka, but with poodles prancing about, forming exploratory committees, this is the new normal.
In addition to restricting future State Capitol occupants to (usually) clothed primates, the bill being considered would require candidates for governorshipness to be at least 126 years old (in dog years) and to have valid papers. This would, of course, forever deny the governor’s mansion to dogs, cats, inmates, and Donald Trump’s barber.
As it turns out, this is not the first time Iran has accused Hebrew fauna of snooping. In 2012, an eagle in Sudan was alleged to be a Mossad spy. (The eagle denied the charges, claiming it was simply doing vacation rental recon for George Costanza.) Two years earlier, Egyptian officials asserted that Israeli-controlled sharks may have attacked tourists in the Red Sea, and our on-staff political analysts all agree that “Israeli-Controlled Sharks” would be a great name for a band. And just two years ago, Lebanese residents captured a griffon vulture wearing an Israeli tracking package, a yarmulke, and clutching a still-warm container of matzah brei.
Campaign Update: Angus’ campaign advisor was quick to point out that the canine holds a deep respect for mankind and, in fact, for all animal life, except squirrels.
But keep hope alive. Maybe a Governor Old Yeller will be able to make America great again.
Let’s just hope he’s State-Housebroken.