(She’s back!)
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It’s been an interesting week for guys here in America, especially for guys who’ve ever been within eight feet of a female.
Suddenly, due to some as-yet-unexplained rash of recall, scores of women are simultaneously remembering to accuse guys of things the guys may have done … decades ago.
It’s as if Santa found a crumpled-up “naughty” list in the pocket of his spare parka.
The medical world are still looking into this delayed outbreak of decades-old distaff offense, but the only common symptom they’ve found so far is the permeating presence of celebrity attorney Gloria Allred.
And all the hubbub and buzz have definitely flooded the inbox of our favorite grumpy advice columnist, Abby Redux. Over the years, Abby has dropped by several times to share some of her favorite exchanges, which is quite a feat for several reasons:
- Generally speaking, Abby dislikes people
- I’ve never paid her a dime for her effort
- Abby doesn’t actually exist
Let’s look in, shall we?
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Dear Abby Redux,
All these flirty, whiny women ought to hush. They probably asked for it.
Signed,
Spud Wilson
Dear Spud,
The hospital called. Your brain’s ready.
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Dear Abby Redux,
I’m confused. How did all these women suddenly remember a guy’s bad behavior from forty years ago?
Signed,
Dan in Denver
Dear Dan,
Let me guess. Never been married, have you, Romeo?
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Dear Abby Redux,
I was reading an online article about all the guys getting suddenly accused of sexual misbehavior. The web page had two pictures side by side: a picture of Harvey Weinstein, and a woman in a bra under the caption “Date Hot Latin Beauties Now!”
Signed,
Conflicted in Cleveland
Dear Conflicted,
Wait till you see the Vatican’s new Fireman of the Month Catechism Calendar.
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Dear Abby Redux,
I heard that twenty-four men have accused actor Kevin Spacey of sexual misconduct. I wanted to boycott his movies, but my high school’s Alternative Awareness Coach told us not to say “boy” any more.
Signed,
Tina in Trenton
Dear Tina,
Good luck. I’m guessing your Coach is the sort of projectile moron who fights for PC language changes like “woman the torpedoes” and “personifest destiny.”
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Dear Abby Redux,
Here in Alabama, the man running for US Senate has been accused by nearly a dozen different women of inappropriate behavior. How can we support someone like that?
Signed,
Earl in Birmingham
Dear Cotton Mather,
Have you seen the US Congress lately? Compared to some of those odd hats, a few alleged heterosexual relationships is practically a yawn-fest.
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Dear Abby Redux,
What are you wearing?
Signed,
Stan in Sigma Chi
Dear Acne Medication Poster Boy,
Shut up.
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Dear Abby Redux,
I’m not sure if I’ve ever been the victim of workplace sexual harassment. How do you tell?
Signed,
Arlene in Accounting
Dear Arlene,
If a man says something that makes you uncomfortable, that might be workplace harassment. If a man touches you at work, that’s very likely a cause for concern. If a man texts you pictures of himself not wearing pants, that’s probably your Congressman.
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Dear Abby Redux,
I just remembered that I was groped in 1983, while having my neck hair removed. Should I call the police, or the paper?
Signed,
Agnes in Omaha
Dear Agnes,
Look, sweetheart. If some guy was attracted to you while shaving your neck, I’d call a church and a caterer.
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Dear Abby Redux,
I’m a 52-year-old French fry cook and I live in my Mom’s attic. Any ideas how a guy like me can become a sexual nuisance?
Signed,
Wallace in Walla Walla
Dear Probably Has Peanut Allergies,
Sure. I can hook you up with Agnes.
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Dear Abby Redux,
I’m a feminist, and I think Al Franken should get to keep his job.
Signed,
Amber in Austin
Dear Non Sequitur,
I’m a columnist, and I think oranges are not tall. There. Top that.
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Dear Abby Redux,
Want to end sexual harassment? And disease, and hunger? Impeach President Trump!
Signed,
A concerned Californian
Dear Maxine,
Shut up.
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Dear Abby Redux,
I known Judge Roy Moore all my hole life. He’s a fine upstandable man, and were a huge help oncet, when my boy Torrance got into that mess with the Catholics and that stripper’s ferret.
Signed,
Big Ed, owner of Sofa World
Dear Nearly Got Through Grade School,
I’m sure the Judge appreciates your endorsement, and let’s pray the ferret isn’t too embarrassed.
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Dear Abby Redux,
All these sudden sexual allegations are getting ridiculous. Now I’m even hearing that 93-year-old former President George H. W. Bush may have admitted to patting several women on the tushie.
Signed,
A fan of the truth
Dear CNN,
And when asked why he told the Dallas reporter about it, Mr. Bush replied, “Hey, I’m telling everybody.”
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Dear Abby Redux,
Has Hillary Clinton accused anybody of groping her yet?
Signed,
Anonymous
Dear Dick Morris,
Good one.
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