(America vs. Trump vs. Asia vs. America)

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This past week, in a college town in America, black people who were never slaves confronted white people who were never Nazis over statues of dead guys who were once involved in what might be history’s craziest oxymoron: a war that was civil.

And in the aftermath … now hold on to something … the mainstream media focused on the response from Donald Trump, the most hated conservative President since, um, well, since the last conservative President.

Well, of course they did.

According to the media, President Trump’s response was simultaneously premature and tardy, which is hard to do. His response was both tepid and inflammatory, which is also hard to do, unless you’re an impacted colon in a freezer. He was, all at one time, dishonest, opinionated, and wrong.

Well, of course he was. Or wasn’t. At least, according to the mainstream media, who are, all at one time, dishonest, opinionated, and wrong.

By the way, all of this happened in Virginia, which, as Virginia’s license plates keep reminding us, is for lovers.

But let’s move on. According to my calculus, those first few paragraphs will eventually be universally funny, assuming some future date in American history when Bayer, or Pfizer, or Campbell’s Soups comes up with a cure for Trump Derangement Syndrome. Until that allegedly happens, though, let’s get back to talking about something that’s already funny: Americans dealing with non-American customer service.

Don’t get me wrong – I admire their efforts to communicate in English. But you can’t learn English – you have to memorize English. You can’t just hunker down and set out to learn the “rules” of American English, because it turns out that every other rule is not a rule, it’s an exception.

Think I’m kidding? Take a look at the ways we expect people to pronounce the letter combination o-u-g-h:

• bough
• bought
• dough
• through
• tough
• trough

And there a thousands of such.

So, given our own self-induced psychosis, I don’t want to look down on people who are trying to speak English…but it’s still funny. Sorry.

Here are some honest-to-Buddha examples (and my humble comments), culled from chat transcripts, emails, and instruction manuals between me and customer service representatives who live in countries that may have elephants:

• If you are the type who doesn’t give it a second look if it’s not New and exciting. (Nope. After first look, I going to home am.)
• You’re special! Because you have five different colors of friends. (And that’s just my girlfriend!)
• I can assure you that it will not going to happen in the future anymore. (Thanks – I’ll look forward to not being assured.)
• Laser-like intense blue makes you the focus of attention even in dark streets.
• Choice your own wallpaper! You can get this program at the tail of this screen. (I appreciate you letting me choice!)
• Your dreams for millennium life will be come true by the new DECT phone
• To be elegant queen! (See ‘five different colors of friends’)
• This fashionable and stylish phone makes you feel to be elegant person yourselves. (What, all of me?)
• A simple design that allow for operations without opening your flap! (Get away from my flap, you animal)
• While you are out, you can use the MP3 Player to listen to the music as it’s being. (OMG, I’m having.)
• It gives you the chance to feel easier and to save your time while you are cooking. (Because cooking can be much harding on time saveness.)
• This elegant phone can check women’s Pink Schedule & Calorie that it helps you to be a woman of sense. (I think I once almost dated part of her.)
• We offer technology for all sized office users. (So you say. I’m not sure you’ve met Bob.)
• It will provides you an increased, ample cavity without expanding your exterior dimensions. (This phrase is like a crude joke gateway drug, and I’m fighting it. Really, I’m fighting it.)
• Working closely with both food manufacturers and caters we tailor menu development programmes. (I love it, it way caters cate. Don’t you?)
• Your young and explosive passion is fashionably expressed with the blue. (Oh, stop it, you kidder.)
• Keep your eye on this section?? (Okay, I will??)

Good having luck in working closely with all sized pink office users, Mr. President.