Alphabet Soup Nazis

(Suppose you threw a book, and nobody came?)

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What’s the last book you read? Or, for those of you in Congress, when was the last decade you read a book? (Oh, and for those of you who are thumb-texting right now: a book is a sorta-square object with like words and stuff.)

According to the internet, here are the top ten most popular books in America, ever, if you don’t count half-naked firemen calendars.

The Bible: to some, a universal story of creation and redemption. To others, a repressive, outdated emotional crutch clutched by racist Republicans who sport NRA stickers on their muddied trucks while they drive around looking for new people to hate.
Gone with the Wind: a sweeping saga of Arkansas southern belle Hillary Rodham Clinton, lost national security secrets and secret email servers
Harry Potter (series): a magical tale of a British author’s refusal to stop writing sequels
The Lord of the Rings (series): an award-winning biopic of Muhammad Ali, starring Will Smith as Rocky Balboa
To Kill a Mockingbird: a beautiful treatment of racism in the American South, which didn’t exist until Republicans showed up with all those Bibles
Moby Dick: the passionate tale of a colossal white whale who drove a man insane by insisting the man call him by name
The Catcher in the Rye: a quirky story about a teenager who is insane, which is redundant
Little Women: The ugly truth behind nineteenth-century suffrage, and female midget mud wrestling
The Grapes of Wrath: an ex-con decides to move to California in search of lower taxes, which is when the “wrath” part kicks in
The Great Gatsby: this classic American tale has it all – lust, greed, rage, infidelity, murder, golf

But perhaps you were born before thumb-texting, and you’re already well-read in the American classics? Not to worry. Here’s a list of recommended titles that you should consider, as long as you don’t consider that they don’t exist.

Yet.

Books Americans Really Ought to Read

Stuff You Don’t In Fact Just Automatically Deserve
The Miracle Diet: How To Lose Weight By Eating Less Food
Remember, There Was A Reason We Left Europe
What You’re Missing About The Difference Between “Free!” & “Free! You Just Pay a Separate Fee!”
On Losing A Presidential Election Gracefully
What’s This Little Stick On My Steering Wheel?

Books Nobody Needs to Read

Dennis Rodman’s Wedding Fashion Tips
My Favorite Blood Pressure Medications, by Sam Kinison
Alternative Ways To Skin A Cat And Then Make An Omelet
The Collected Sexual Fantasies of Orrin Hatch
Unintentional Sushi: The Day The Grocery Store’s Power Went Out
Why My Moustache Is So Sexy, by Geraldo Rivera
Governor Mark Sanford: On Appalachian Navigation
The Joy of Cooking Naked, by Chris Christie
America’s Funniest Colon Polyp Jokes
The Squaw Monologues, by Elizabeth Warren
Sports Illustrated’s Annual Violently Obese Wrinkled Women Swimsuit Issue
Pot Luck Recipes, by Hannibal Lector
Really Hot Chicks in Virginia Beach, by an unnamed Russian spy ship
The Formula for Fabulous Wealth: Get Up Early, Work Late, & Strike Oil
Still Unconvicted, by Hillary Clinton

Really Long Books

Still Unconvicted, by Hillary Clinton
Fake News, by Brian Williams
Hillary’s Rampages: A Secret Service Compendium
The American Bar Association’s Favorite Refrigerator Magnets
My God-Like Qualities, by Barack Obama
Barack Obama’s God-Like Qualities, by MSNBC’s Chris Matthews
Reasons To Eat Bacon
International Events That I’m Pretty Sure I Was Involved In, by Geraldo Rivera
Al Gore: In His Own Words