(And the small naked bronze man goes to…)

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Don’t look now, America, but they’re here again. That’s right: the Academy Awards – that formerly fabulous night when Hollywood dresses up, parties down, and congratulates itself. And this year, given the once-glamorous event’s sinking ratings over the years, as many as ten people are expected to tune in and watch Meryl Streep insult people.

The Oscars: four hours of watching rich, bitter grown-ups who are famous because they’re famous, which makes them better than you. That’s assuming, of course, there are any celebrities left in Hollywood, what with all their He’s-not-my-President-based threats to leave the country. Now that’s entertainment!

Hosting the 89th Academy Awards, for the first time, will be Jimmy Kimmel, part-time late-night host and full-time Trump-basher. According to Hollywood insiders, Kimmel has been working hard on a whole new set of rude remarks because, you know, he’s a professional.

This year’s slate of nominees for “Best Picture” includes nine movies, nine of which I haven’t seen, since none of them have any hobbits or dwarves, if you don’t count Natalie Portman, who is shorter than most parking meters, and Tom Cruise. One of the films nominated is titled La La Land, which I’m told is a fetching musical romp based on Barack Obama’s foreign policy.

And speaking of short things in Hollywood, there are five Oscar nominations this year for “Best Short Subject,” including a cartoon, several foreign films, and Danny DeVito.

But movies, of course, aren’t everything. Here are some other art forms that shine at shortness:

Best Very Short Books

• Fidelity, by Warren Beatty
• Creative Child Care, by Woody Allen
• Fodor’s Guide to Smog-Free Chinese Cities
• My Favorite Secure Passwords, by Hillary Clinton
• Anger Management, by Lewis Black
• People Who Miss Their AMC Gremlin
• News Stories That Don’t Somehow Involve Me, by Geraldo Rivera
• Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Colon Cleansing
• Women I Never Hit On, by Bill Clinton
• Windows Software That Won’t Crash Before You Click the Save Button
• Doctors You Can Keep: A Comprehensive Physicians Directory From ObamaCare
• My Sexy Fashion Secrets, by Richard Simmons
• The US Census Guide to Comedians Who’ve Never Made Fun of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Accent
• What Chivalry Means To Me, by Andrew Dice Clay
• Tact on Twitter: A Practical Guide, by Donald Trump
• How To Direct Quality Family Films, by Quentin Tarantino
• John Kerry’s Successful Diplomatic Coups
• Factual Reporting: A Journalism Primer, by CNN
• The AAA Guide to Sanitary Gas Station Bathrooms, Volume 1
• The Day I Got a Biker Tattoo, by Franklin Graham
• Joe Biden’s Favorite Charities
• The Vatican’s Official Guide to Popes Named ‘Fred’
• Hilarious “I have a gun” Jokes, by Airport Security
• Danny DeVito’s Christmas Parade Photos
• Why I Love the US Constitution, by Barack Obama
• How to Attract a Man, by Chelsea Manning & Caitlyn Jenner
• The National Hockey League’s Compleat Guide to Shakespearean Sonnets
• Die Even Harder: A Movie Fan’s Arguments For Yet Another ‘Die Hard’ Sequel
• The Zany Sense of Humor of IRS Auditors
• Having the Enjoyment to Better English of Speak, by Koreans who write product instruction manuals
• Prayers I Learned in Prison, by Martha Stewart

Best Very Short Music Albums

• Bagpipe Lullabies
• The NFL Presents Roseanne Barr’s Best Variations on a National Anthem
• Tiny Tim Gets A Stratocaster
• Suzanne: A Mick Jagger Tribute to Leonard Cohen
• The B-52s Go Acoustic
• Out of Focus: Tunes Bob Marley Recorded Before Noon
• Frank Sinatra Does Joe Piscopo
• Milli Vanilli’s Greatest Hit

Best Very Short TV Documentaries

• Skull-Stomping: People’s morbid fascination with zombies, who really can’t run very fast
• Skull-Chomping: Zombies’ morbid fascination with people who are even slower
• FoxNews: Fair. Balanced. A bunch of really cute anchors.
• Managing Population Growth: The Hidden Health Benefits of Heavy Smoking
• Camelot: Once upon a time, Saturday Night Live was funny
• We Never Miss an Opportunity to Miss an Opportunity: An Historical Review of GOP Tactical Victories
• Any Day Now: Hey, whatever happened to those flying cars we were all promised?