(Bill Clinton’s gonna need a raise.)
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Well, it’s finally over. On 8 November, 2016, the oddest election in US history concluded, and it’s finally over. Over, that is, except for the hate speech, the protests and riots, the doomsday scenarios, and the mass exodus of Hollywood to Canada.
In other news this week, Godzilla turned sixty-two. Why is that relevant? Because compared to Democrats and Republicans during this last election, Godzilla and Tokyo got along great.
Yes, after two years of watching 100% of the political pundits being 100% wrong, the United States has a new President, as any liberal will tell you in-between hysterical tantrums. On 20 January, 2017, Donald John Trump, Sr. will be sworn in as the 45th President of the United States, assuming anybody in Washington can manage to scrounge up a Bible. Until then, he’ll have to settle for being sworn at.
This was, of course, a devastating blow to Hillary “The People’s Uterus” Clinton, who has now run for President every four years since 1812, and she’s come away empty every time. Hillary and her half-dozen non-family supporters knew in their alleged hearts that this year was the year, based on her stellar geopolitical résumé (she has twelve pantsuits, and a cervix). Plus, this time she was running against an orange guy with renegade hair and less political savvy than Socks the cat.
But it wasn’t just Hillary who was campaigning for Hillary. The mainstream media had anointed her Goddess of the Beltway from day one, and they dedicated every keystroke and camera shot to ensuring her inevitable Goddessness. Highly-paid network anchors and other adult news professionals were often spotted at Trump rallies, openly pouting and making little raspberry noises.
The journalism Jeremiahs painted Donald Trump as Al Capone, but with hooves, despite The People’s Uterus being the first Presidential candidate in US history to be investigated by the FBI while wearing pumps (her, not the FBI). According to the media, Donald Trump was what you might get if Adolf Hitler mated with Vlad the Impaler, or, heaven forbid, Dick Cheney. Heck, at one point during the campaign, the FBI caught Hillary in the liquor store firing the gun, but decided their was no actual criminal intent.
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Right. Try that tactic, citizen, next time you get a traffic ticket.
“But officer, I didn’t intend to speed.”
“Oh, okay.”
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Hollywood collectively rallied round The People’s Uterus, too, obliviously hosting $20,000-a-plate fundraisers so they could all get together and denounce filthy rich people. Elsewhere, campaign dirt-mongers scoured the countryside to find female “victims” of Trump’s “misogyny,” and suddenly 800 women magically remembered being molested by Mr. Trump thirty years ago – and they all remembered it in the same week. The media tried to organize a giant victim reunion, but the plan fell apart when none of the alleged molestees would agree to sit next to celebrity attorney Gloria Allred.
Even Hillary’s initial competitor in the primaries, Bernie “Socialist For Hire” Sanders, eventually took a great big swig of the Klinton Kool-Aid. I don’t what they told him, or promised him, or threatened to do to him, but ultimately Wild-Haired Bernie’s deeply-held principles collapsed like a soufflé at a Riverdance reunion.
Then, suddenly, it was over.
And it was a smack-down. Since 1812, fifty-one consecutive electoral drubbings for The People’s Uterus. The Chicago Cubs have a better chance of becoming President.
To put Hillary’s political shellacking in perspective: on election day in eight States across the nation, voters voted to legalize pot for recreational or medical use. In other words, marijuana carried more States than Hillary.
And what depressing news for Bill Clinton! I guess now he’ll have to go back to paying for sex.
In other news this week, Secretary of State John Kerry visited Antarctica. Nobody knows why the White House would send John Kerry to Antarctica, much less with a round-trip ticket. But in a couple months Kerry’s out of a job, so I don’t want to miss any joke opportunities. Let’s just hope the stiff expressionless troll doesn’t get groped by a myopic penguin.
So, it was finally over. And Trump won. President-elect Donald J. Trump. And now, all those tolerant, inclusive, broad-minded liberals had to choose: they could either accept the election and embrace America’s cherished tradition of peaceful transition of leadership, or they could stamp their collective foot, hold their collective breath, and turn blue.
Guess which.
Inclusive, tolerant riots, nationwide. As of today, anti-Trump tolerant liberals in Portland, Oregon, have been responsible for over a million dollars in broad-minded, tolerant damage – you know, to bigoted buildings and sexist plate glass windows that didn’t vote for Hillary. In one news clip, a protestor with well-researched geopolitical convictions was filmed dragging two recycle bins into a street – you know, because Trump got elected.
Yeah, that’ll show ’em.
Devastated stormcrows in the media wailed, robe-ripped and teeth-gnashed about how everyone in America would soon lose all their retirement investments. Meanwhile, the stock market had its best week since Apple decided to gather up its loose change and buy Europe.
America will survive. And at least the campaign season is over. On Tuesday, 8 November, it was over.
This just in: on Wednesday, 9 November, Hillary held her first fundraiser for 2020.