(2016. The year of voting dangerously.)

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Hi, I’m Holster Lett. Welcome to the first Presidential debate of the 2016 season, America’s first opportunity to really get to know the two candidates: the attractive, sinless, highly capable Hillary Rodham Clinton, and some other guy.

I’m honored to have been selected as the moderator for tonight’s debate, and you can not begin to imagine how loosely I use the term “debate.” Tonight’s thinly-veiled “Hillary for President” prime-time promotion is more rigged than a circus safety net. Heck, this event is so pre-planned, I already know how many times I’m gonna interrupt that other guy, what’s his name.

Forty-one times. Man, I love this job.

As a professional journalist, I will of course be fair, impartial, and even-handed as I attempt to goad Hillary’s unworthy opponent into campaign-destroying slipups, while protecting her from any political vulnerabilities. I will be an absolute paragon of non-partisan fairness. However, in the interest of full disclosure, I should point out that I once offered to have Hillary’s children.

Let’s take a minute to go over tonight’s forma…uh, folks, we’re gonna take a quick commercial break, since Hillary just collapsed in this evening’s first coughing spasm. (aside) Ed, cut the camera! Ed!

(several minutes of TV ads, including one Donald Trump bobble-head voodoo doll offer, followed by nine air-brushed “Hillary for President” spots)

Welcome back to tonight’s debate, where candidate Clinton remains in perfect health, though we should note that Franklin Delano Roosevelt was a fantastic President despite having polio.

We’re here on the campus of Hofstra University, selected because DNC polling suggests it would be the best venue for the attractive, sinless, highly capable Hillary Rodham Clinton. Some of you in the viewing audience may have noticed that candidate Clinton is standing on a little box. Let me assure you that is absolutely not an attempt to compensate for her…well, shall we say her “low center of gravity.” Not at all. In fact, many people are shorter than Hillary, including most children and all seven of Snow White’s co-workers.

No, the little box has nothing to do with height. Rather, the function of the little box is to hide the electronics controlling her hidden earpiece, which is technically not allowed during this debate, but if you point that out, that makes you a deplorable misogynist.

On the other hand, observant viewers will notice that the other guy on stage, I forget his name at the moment, is standing in a hole. See, that’s how we handle Hillary’s “vertical issues.”

In fact, Hillary used to be taller, but she gave some of her inches to hard-working Americans who didn’t have as many. She’s like that. Here’s a short film focusing on her exceptionally altruistic spirit.

(several minutes of an anti-Donald Trump montage, featuring Rosie O’Donnell, Harry Reid’s good eye, and a “separated at birth” joke involving Adolph Hitler)

What an impressive woman, and I say that with all the objectivity I can muster, which doesn’t take long.

Trump! That’s his name. Donald Trump. Not that it matters.

Okay, let’s take a minute to go over the rules and format for tonight’s debate, since we’ll never see those again this evening. I will ask each candidate several tough, probing questions, unless they’re standing on a box. Each candidate will then have three minutes to respond without interruption, unless they’re standing in a hole. As follow-up, each candidate will be granted as much time as they wish for rebuttal, as long as they’re attractive, sinless, and highly capable.

Here at NBC News, we feel it should not be the job of a debate moderator to play “fact-checker,” so I will make a point not to challenge the accuracy of either side’s statements or attempt to “rescue” either candidate, unless one of the candidates scratches the side of her nose as a cue for me to intervene. Not that I could know that in advance.

One final note: at several points during tonight’s debate, you may find it difficult to hear what candidate Trump is saying, as if there were problems with his microphone or something.

Not that I could know that in advance. I’m just saying.

Man, I love this job.