(Personkind is officially out of control)

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Well, it’s about time. After an insufferable 6 million years, (or a spry youthful 6,000 years, depending on whom you ask) the human race is finally going to deal with that pesky problem of patriarchy.

In other words: guys, you’re out.

Yes, America, the HR Department at prestigious Princeton University has begun instructing the campus staff to stop saying the word “man.” (Apparently, the HR crew can still work at a university named “Princeton” but not be aware that, as a general rule, most princes are guys.)

No, the disgusting misogynist term “man” is now banned on campus (a misogynist is a person who hates ogyns). Henceforth, politically correct Princetonians should instead say “individual” or “person” or, in case there’s two men, “people” (three men is a “parade,” and four or more men is a “frat keg party,” usually followed by a “police round-up”).

Unfortunately, banning the word “man” instantly reduced the entire Cheech & Chong canon to four jokes. (If Princeton ever decides to outlaw “dude,” Hollywood will have to disown Wayne’s World, The Big Lebowski, and every tow-headed teenager in Southern California.)

We’re not sure why the Princeton HR department has started acting like your neighbor’s grandpa when he forgets to take his meds, but it’s a disturbing, and growing, trend among America’s collective (pun intended) colleges. True, Princeton is in New Jersey (rejected motto: The Off-Ramp State), but you can’t blame New Jersey for everything.

Here are some of the new no-nos at Princeton:

• Say nurse, not male nurse (if she’s cute, I think you can say non-male nurse, but don’t quote me)
• It’s office cleaner, not cleaning lady (see, she’s not a female anymore, she’s just an industrial-strength soap)
• It’s anchor, not anchorman (well, at least they didn’t choose the intensely irritating anchorperson, else we’d have to go find HR and kill them)
• Refer to person hours, not man hours (this may be the single stupidest idea we’ve ever heard)
• Use spouses or partners instead of man & wife (note the plural…spouses…yes, that’s next…)

Princeton also posted a helpful list of other, newly de-maled words, including:

• Businessperson
• Cameraperson
• Chairperson
• Mailperson
• Salesperson

They’re trying to convince us to replace fireman with fireperson, but it sounds like a felony description, or a Stephen King story.

When discussing the heroes who made this country great, like George Washington, Ben Franklin, and Marvin Gaye, don’t say forefathers or Founding Fathers. Say ancestors. Calling everyone your ancestor has the additional advantage of making us all relatives, which should at least triple the amount of Thanksgiving season suicides.

Another odd choice for the banned words list is coed. “Coed” is an extremely helpful description, particularly for hormone-ravaged teenage boy persons. In fact, the term “coed dorm” can send your average college “dude” into a petit mal endorphin seizure. And ditching freshman for freshperson presents its own negative connotations … especially when dealing with coeds.

Deep Therapy Sidebar: We note that somebody in HR also snuck in the term headmaster, but we’re pretty sure that was a personal grudge with a particularly traumatic history behind it. We’ll leave it there.

This whole craze is going to leave us confused and awkward…although some would say that that ship sailed long ago. Witness:

• Attention, all cars: We have an all-points bulletin for a robbery suspect. Um, he or she is described as, um, a biped. That’s all they’ll let me say.
• And now, here’s a senior-demographic-but-goodie, “Who Can It Be Now?” from the 1980’s Australian band, Persons At Work.
• George Bernard Shaw’s story Pygmalion was eventually adapted into the award-winning musical, My Fair Person, starring Audrey Hepburn and Rex Harri-offspring. The charming movie took home eight Oscarettes.

See, the problem with fanatics is that they’re fanatical. They can’t help themselves, and no victory is ever enough. Politically correct fanatics are the beast that can’t be fed. Eventually, they’ll take their PC-ness to the syllable level.

• Not Furman University, but Furperson
• Not man-hole cover, but its-hole cover
• Not hernia, but their-nia
• Not karma and dogma, but karperson and dogperson
• Please welcome the amazing cellist, Yo Yo Person

Here’s an idea: rather than discarding perfectly good words we’ve used for centuries, why not have a few years of equal time? Just swap the genders for a while: for instance, parade becomes marade. Matriculation becomes patriculation. How ’bout a nice Mama John’s pizza?

And here’s a quandary: what are we going to do with “no, sir” and “yes, ma’am?” That’s what we used to call manners – now it’s a sexist insult? How are well-raised children supposed to carry on a conversation with adults?

“Billy?”
“Yes, taller human person?”
“Billy, did you put the cat in the pantry again?”
“No, gender-non-specific caregiver.”
“Billy…”
“Hey, that cat was in the pantry before I was born.”
“Billy?”
“Why do you always think it’s me? Why is it never Sally’s fault?”
“Sally’s not home yet from working those community service person hours the nice judge gave her instead of hard time.”
“It’s not fair.”