(Somebody’s got to point out these things. You’re welcome.)

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• I bought a car designed by Congress. It has a clueless ignition system.
• Amnesia: the perfect gift for that person who has everything.
• You have to admire that woman in the TV commercial. If I had an external overactive bladder that had eyes, arms and legs, and kept trying to drag me into public bathrooms, I probably wouldn’t go out much.
• The letters in “Hillary Clinton” can be rearranged to “Chilly Lion Rant.” Coincidence? I think not.
• The letters in “Donald Trump” can be rearranged to “Dun Old Tramp.” But let’s not drag Hillary back into this.
• Statistically, 50% of people are below normal. So the federal government’s solution is to lower what’s normal. That’s why, beginning tomorrow, only 30% of people will be below normal.
• 29% of people won’t get that joke.
• This just in: Presidential candidate Jim Gilmore has withdrawn from the race after nobody in the Northern Hemisphere could distinguish between him and Greenland.
• Researchers in the UK say a new robotic sensor system can smell prostate cancer in urine. The next day, in another first, the robot called in sick.
• I’ve decided my tombstone will read IT’LL BE FUN, THEY SAID
• For some reason, the international cabals in charge of sending me my daily spam have determined that I want to have sex with non-NATO women who have colossal sternum-area assets and can’t spell, while I’m simultaneously shopping for an affordable funeral package.
• I don’t understand why it’s wrong for the government to tell a woman what to do with her body, but the government can tell me not to eat salt.
• Do older men go through womenopause?
• Shouldn’t distaff restaurant patrons demand to see a womenu?
• 31% of people won’t get either of those jokes.
• A blurb for a “steamy” novel read “It wasn’t as if she’d never been kissed. She’d been married for Chrissakes.” How long is a Chrissakes? And who is this Chris guy?
• The letters in “Donald Trump” can be rearranged to “Dump Old Rant.” And will be.
• Why is it legal for appliance stores to sell you a clothes dryer that runs on electricity, but then charge you extra for the electric cord?
• It’s Colon Cancer Awareness Month. I can’t wait to see the poster.
• Here’s an actual headline: ARCTIC FREEZE HITS NORTHEAST, TEMPERATURES FALL. Wow. You gotta admire bold scientific analysis like that.
• While analyzing America’s world leadership historically, we think we’ve discovered a tactical military pattern – George Washington: 80,000 troops; Dwight Eisenhower: 12 million troops; Barack Obama: James Taylor.
• The letters in “Reverend Al Sharpton” can be rearranged to “Errant Pander Shovel.” I’m just sayin’.
• Advertising is the art of convincing you that you want something that’s not free. Marketing is advertising that convinces you “Free! You just pay shipping & handling!” really means “free.” Prostitution is marketing, naked. Politics is prostitution in clothes, but you’re paying for the clothes.
• My agent sucks. When someone asked her if they should buy my latest book, she ducked and dodged, pointing out that in the new book I used the same 26 letters as in the last one.
• In speech #600,001 Donald Trump said, “I’m not an angry person…but I’m very angry…” This guy is out of control. But at least he’s not out of control.
• I hear albums are coming back.
• 44% of people won’t get that joke.
• Somebody with a hidden camera filmed somebody named Erin Andrews naked in a hotel room, and a judge awarded Erin $55 million. It’s just not fair. I get naked at least once a day, and nobody’s paid me a dime.
• Can a person just be plussed?
• When a person gets over being nonplussed, are they recombobulated?
• I read that albums are making a comeback, which is great news for pot smokers. Ever tried to roll a joint on an MP3?
• Don’t look now, Baby Boomers, but we’re really getting old. Nearly ten years ago today, it was twenty years ago today that it was twenty years ago today that The Beatles sang, “It was twenty years ago today…”
• My insurance company called to ask if I wanted special coverage for any jewelry. I told the caller I don’t even have a ring on my phone. 98.5% of her didn’t get the joke.