(My new year’s resolution? 800×600.)
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As each new year begins, we tend to look back and reflect on the old one. And when I do that, I can’t help but notice how many times I didn’t get arrested.
It seems like some people – celebrities in particular – make a career out of making bad decisions. It’s as if their contract includes a mandatory stupidity clause, right after the part where they contractually have to stand for hours on rented red carpets in LA and grin at reporters.
Of course, it wasn’t just celebrities, sports stars, and unindicted Congressmen acting the fool last year. There were plenty of “civilians” who kept the headline writers busy for those grocery checkout tabloids, too – you know, the citizens who are constantly being impregnated by aliens, or touring the county with a radish that looks like Elvis.
But the sobering flip side to all that headline-making hedonism is the bitter realization that I lead a very sheltered life. There are so many things I’ll never experience…so many sentences I’ll never say.
For example:
- I will never molest children and also be a champion of sub sandwiches.
- I will never be a judge who got arrested for contempt of court.
- I will never play offensive line in the NFL and bite a cop.
- I will never get arrested in Israel for tax evasion after dumping Leonardo DiCaprio.
- Fifty women will never suddenly appear and accuse me of sexual assault. At least, not all at once.
- I will never get nabbed by US marshals at the Canadian border for trying to sneak in.
- I will never get arrested again in Vegas for hitting another woman.
- Speaking of Vegas, I will never start a fight, I will never punch the police officer who’s trying to break up the fight, and I will never decide to change my name to “The Weeknd.”
- I will never be an actor named Andy Dick was gets arrested on Hollywood Boulevard for stealing a necklace from a man, and there are about twelve different jokes lurking in that sentence.
- I will never be observed sound asleep on the floor of a Canadian casino.
- I will never be known as the music mogul who attacked his son’s coach with a kettlebell.
- I will never be known as a music mogul, period. Heck, I had to look up the word “bling.”
- I had to look up the word “kettlebell,” too. You?
- I will never stab a roommate with a sword.
- I will never show up late for my concert in Denver because I got arrested for trying to ride the baggage carousel.
- I will also never get bailed out of Denver lockup by a fan.
- I will probably never be the alumnus of a show called Jackass who gets arrested for something, although your career options are probably pretty limited if you’re on a show called Jackass.
- I will never get accidentally shot while playing “Ding Dong Ditch.”
- I will never be arrested and charged with stealing a pool heater from a foreclosed home, even if I am a rapper whose stage name is Vanilla Ice and whose real name is Robert VanWinkle. Or I could have that backwards. Either way is funny.
- I would never have a name like Waka Flocka Flame and then try to get through airport security with a handgun in my carry-on luggage. I mean, seriously, Mr. Flame.
- However, with my luck, I will probably be the next passenger waiting in line behind him.
- I will never disappear while duck hunting.
- I will never throw a protein shake at an employee at my gym. Or a kettlebell.
- I will never violate my parole by playing Beer Pong in Mexico.
- Even if I were stupid enough to violate my parole by playing Beer Pong in Mexico, I would never be dumb enough to film it.
- I will, therefore, never get recognized by my parole officer who saw a facebook post of me playing Beer Pong in Mexico.
- However, I might fight extradition.
- I will never get arrested after climbing a 100-foot crane while carrying a killer whale balloon with “Seaworld sucks” written on it.
- Well, of course he’s another Jackass alum.
Happy New Year!