- After decades of Botox side-effects, Nancy Pelosi finally demanded a refund.
- Things always got a little tense at the Old Toons Home whenever the retirees heard that familiar whisper: “Be vewwy vewwy qwiet…”
- Fortunately, the Grimms reworked their first draft, “The Pied Redneck of Hamelin.”
- Reviews were mixed for Bruce Willis’s 48th sequel: “Rode Hard.”
- “Not Alamo, you idiot, ” snapped the concierge. “A la mode! Apple pie a la MODE! Nobody orders Apple Pie AlaMO!”
- Rebublican Party Counters White House Slogan, Unveils New “Winning the Past” Campaign
- “Back off, you,” barked the South Miami Neighborhood Watch volunteer, “or I swear, I’ll gum you to death!”
- Sales Skyrocket For Hillary Aide Tell-All: “It Takes A Village Idiot”
- Wal-Mart Greeter Cited In “Ten-Items-Or-Less” Confrontation
- “You can have my cold, dead fingers when you pry them from my gun!”
- Great Moments In Literature: Captain Ahab Flushes The Great White Quail
- “Well, Alex, I reckon I’ll take ‘Syllogisms in Theoretical Quantum Mechanics’ for two hunnerd.”
- As the Union troops poured over the hilltop, Cappy girded his one remaining loin.
- “Okay, forget that ‘I never met a man’ quip. There was this ONE guy,” admitted Will Rogers.
- Bookies were offering 50-to-1 on the Derby’s long shot.
- Over the years, the Crackerjacks “surprise” began to lose its appeal.
- Budget Cuts Hit Dude Ranch
- Susie kept misbehaving, so Daddy was forced to take back part of her birthday present.
- Reviews were mixed for McDonald’s new Happy Meal
- Great Moments in Television History: The Doomed Pilot Episode of “Mr. Ed, The Severely Gelded Talking Horse”
- Family Pet Survives Being Rear-Ended By Tourist Bus
- Mrs. McKenzie was not impressed by Sally’s entry for the Science Fair.
- New Farm Animal Designed By Congressional Committee
- “Look, Papa!” chirped Priam’s daughter. “The Greek soldiers left us a horsie!”
- “Okay, lady. Okay,” conceded the single guy. “Man. The things some women will do to get me to ask them out.”
- Reviews were mixed for the French remake, A Chorus Maginot Line
- “I hate her,” fumed the window mannequin. “I just HATE her!”
- When The Jersey Shore Meets The Hitler Youth
- True, Tamiqua had commitment issues, but my, how she loved to shop.
- Nancy Pelosi explained the Commerce Clause in her usual way: interpretive dance
- Pedestrian’s Smart-Phone Camera Captures Birth Of Bob Fosse
- June 1998: The Day Bill Clinton Walked Into A Manhole
- Physicians had their doubts about ObamaCare’s “drive-thru OB/GYN” scheme
- The Mayans were right. Sorta. Earth’s gravity did reverse, but only for Susie.
- How To Hail A Cab, Chapter 3
- Sometime after cocktails, James Cameron got this crazy idea to make a 3-D movie
- Reviews were mixed for Star Wars XXV: Return of the Judy
- History tells us little about the very first White House intern
- Network Announces New Daytime Soap Opera, “Two Lives to Live”
- It was a tough decision, but she finally chose Bachelor Android Number 2
- ‘The Golden Girls’ knew they’d struck gold when they signed Betty Black-and-White
- Slowly, amazingly, the telekinetic moved the knobs from the bottom to the top of the device
- Not even the horrible snow-skiing accident was gonna cause Trixie to miss ‘Laugh-In’
- ACLU Not Impressed With Sony’s New ’Single Guy’ Remote Control
- The dual teleprompters went dark, Obama mis-spoke, and suddenly America was at war with Cuba Gooding
- Calling on all her skills, the zoo’s psychiatrist tried to talk Corbu down off the ledge.
- “I haven’t had a nibble since dawn. Let’s cut bait and call it a day. First trough of beer’s on me!”
- Lindsay Lohan Spotted With New Beau; Claims This Time It’s The Real Thing
- “What is it you call this thing, small human? A…what? A parade? Bo-ring.”
- Like all cartoons, most frequent flier plans, and Joe Biden’s teeth, Babar was tired of being fictional.
- Homeland Security Unveils New Border Fence Scheme; PETA Clamors For Taxpayer-Funded Giant Butt Cushions
- Tonight! On an all-new 24! Chloe recruits really large Tibetan rebels to help extract Jack Bauer from his evil Chinese captors!
- Reviews were mixed for Dr. Suess’s latest rhyming primer, “Humpty Dumbo.”
- “Look,” huffed the rabbi, “I’m all for some May/December romance, but this is off the chart!”
- Sadly, the Republican Party never noticed the subtle shove from Code Pink’s dastardly dwarf.
- “See, here’s the deal,” Vishnu cajoled, “last Saturday, Shiva got ticked at Ganesha…you know how he can get…and I, well, I’m gonna need your head.”
- Razor Unicyclist Strikes Again
- Too late, the melting astronauts noticed the container’s “GAMMA RAYS” warning
- PETA was none too pleased when the NRA debuted “Gummy Bear Taxidermy”
- Reviews were mixed for the debut episode of “Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire Who’s A Non-Descript Emerald Baron Without Opposable Thumbs?”
- CITIZENS NARROWLY ESCAPE DEATH WHEN DELTA FLIGHT JETTISONS JELL-O
- Great Moments in Diplomacy: Churchill Cedes Half of Greenland to the Russian Bear
- Tonight! On an all-new “Bear Witness” — While adjudicating a tricky child custody battle, Judge Ursa invokes King Solomon!
- Captain Kirk finally figures out a way to flirt with two green alien women
- Taliban leaders appear willing to compromise, says dead man who expected to be cut into four pieces
- “Take your nap, young students, or I’ll skip right to the chapter about the Aztecs.”
- “That’s it? That’s all I get? One lousy cupcake?”
- In retrospect, seating Hillary’s mom next to the intern was probably not the best idea
- “Tony, I swear! I have no idea what happened to all the Sinatra pictures on the wall!”
- The golden anniversary party soured as she watched her inebriated husband head for the stage
- Sadly, the bowling alley didn’t have a very expansive kosher menu.
- “Go ahead,” she thought. “Laugh at me one more time, Little Miss Betty Bulemia. Go ahead.”
- Nobody was safe at a Don Rickles show. Nobody. Not even his mother.
- Cordelia finally understood the old expression: eat Chinese food, and in an hour you wish you could eat again; eat Mexican food, and in an hour you wish you’d eaten Chinese food.
- Things began to get ugly at the ‘Meso-American Idol’ rewards banquet
- And suddenly, J. Edgar Hoover realized that the charade was over
- Facing flagging attendance, Nascar looks to re-energize their point system
- Reviews were mixed for The Lord of the Rings: The Two Minarets
- Toyota Unveils New Bedouin Bed-Liner Option Package
- NRA Continues To Deny Culpability As Christmas Parade Onlookers Wail, “Mommy, Why Did Santa Fall Down?”
- Tonight! On an all-new “American Idolatry!”
- New FAA Curbside Check-In Policy Draws “Over-Reaction” Charges From Drug Dealers Union
- And so, they embraced martyrdom, unaware that the holy book actually promised “99 sturgeons.”
- Folks, it looks like we have a winner in this year’s “Firehouse Chili” contest!
- Great Moments In Milliner History: Qaddafi Demands A Refund
- Arizona Militia Apologizes After Mistakenly Killing Everyone In Utah
- I know it’s early, but you guys got any of those little Twix bars down there?
- Right. Martha’s Vineyard, August. But money’s tight. Whaddaya got in the $50,000-a-week range?
- Well, I didn’t READ the thing, but from what I could tell, it was about this thick.
- I don’t know what else to tell ya. Biden swears he saw a GOP squirrel.
- Look, you idiot. I said blue STATES, not blue ESTATES!
- Yeah, whatever. Just tell me when you’ve retrieved the nuclear football. My “spotter” will take it from there.
- Michele, give me a break. I don’t use interns, and I don’t even LIKE pizza.
- Yes. Yes! He’s been in here “bonding” for hours! And he’s about to start moonwalking again!
- Correct. Great big honkin’ desk, and nothing to work on. So maybe you could scare up some of those arcade ice hockey things?
- Hey, Rahm! That Texan, Perry? Call Stimpy and the Gimp. Tone 5-X-5-August. And look – I never called. Capiche?
- Maintenance. Get up here. My knee’s stuck to the desk again.
- When Hair Gel Addiction Goes Bad
- Suddenly, the county fair judges realized that this was a very unusual cow.
- “And for your meritorious duty, I hereby present you with the coveted Biddy of Honor.”
- Backstage at the Grammy’s, Britney Spears adds the final touch to her tasteful evening attire
- Poultry Recidivism On The Rise, Says New Crime Report
- “This just in: according to MSNBC, Sarah Palin has killed another defenseless mousse.”
- In a timeless, oft-repeated maneuver, the nervous teen approached his prom date with the corsage.
- After PETA banned the use of rats, the medical lab really had little choice.
- “Heck, I can’t tell,” mumbled the bachelor, standing at his fridge. “Here, smell this.”
- Sadly, it turned out to be true. Chicken abuse was, in fact, running rampant down at the old McDonald place.
- After a lifetime of writing bad puns, the humorist was finally awarded the Pullet Surprise.
- “I now pronounce you man and…ah…um…I now pronounce you married.”
- Scientists Announce Discovery Of World’s Most Bored Man
- Rahm Emmanuel Calls For Conservative Pundit’s Face To Be Removed
- Tragedy struck the Sesame Street set today, when Big Bird was attacked by a rogue Muppet.
- In a rare moment of candor, John Kerry displays both faces at once
- Man Runs Into Tree; Face Pushed Entirely Through Skull
- eBay Bids Spike For Rare Turnip That Looks Like Zeus
- Arlen Specter Announces Plan To Run Against Himself
- Songwriter David Crosby Continues To Deny Rumors Of Drug Use
- ADT Debuts New Home Security System For Broke People
- Man Crashes White House Soiree By Walking In Backwards