(Old, loud bird. Yep, that’s me.)
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This past week, I became a Beatles song.

Yes, as hard as it is for me to believe, I arrived on this big blue ball six Years of the Rooster ago. (1957. C’mon. Keep up.)

Here’s how old I am. When I was born:

• There were only 48 states, 3 TV channels, and 2 genders.
• Phones made phone calls. That’s it. Cameras took pictures. That’s it. Neither would fit in your back pocket.
• There was no internet. If you wanted to insult somebody, you had to do it face-to-face.

I was born in the year of the Rooster, according to the occasionally official zodiac calendar from that far-away country that gave us egg rolls, with a side order of global pandemic. (Technically, China also uses the same international Gregorian calendar as the rest of us do, so they don’t miss any TV shows or real estate opportunities.)

The Chinese zodiac contains twelve animals, including rats, snakes, and other politicians. It even includes imaginary creatures, like dragons, and honest politicians. Then, to further complicate things, China overlaid five elements on top of the repeating animal cycle. So I am a Fire Rooster (as opposed to Water Rooster, or Wood, or Earth, or Gold, or Chick-fil-A special).

Fire Roosters like me are supposed to be very observant, or at least I think that’s what I read. We are hardworking, talented, and courageous, unless I see a snake. Roosters tend to be self-confident, talkative, frank, and boastful; in other words, eventually lonely. But Rooster people are happiest when they’re surrounded by other Animal people, especially if those other people nod and applaud when the Rooster is done bragging.

According to another internet article, Roosters are always active and amusing, they are popular within a crowd, and they always appear attractive and beautiful. This tells us that this article was probably written by a Rooster.

Many of your personal characteristics are determined by the combination of your birth year element and your birth year animal (for example, Water Pig, or Chocolate Bunny). For example, us Fire Roosters are trustworthy, exhibit a strong sense of timekeeping, and are very responsible at work. I don’t know if I buy into that … about the only thing I’m responsible for at work was that mess in the microwave when I forgot about that breakfast burrito. Roosters also expect others to listen to them while they speak, and can become agitated if they don’t. (that’s why I forgot the burrito)

Some say the Chinese zodiac first appeared around 500 BC, the same year Keith Richards bought his first lyre. China, of course, had already made huge contributions to world culture, like writing, and spaghetti. But with the new zodiac, people would be able to make major career, life, and love decisions by getting advice from an animal.

For the record, the other eleven members of the zodiac menagerie are the rat, ox, tiger, rabbit, dragon, snake, horse, goat, monkey, dog and pig. The list is worth noting because it can help steer you away from bad decisions in your love life. Us Rooster single guys are advised to woo an Ox, if she’ll fit in your car. If no oxen are available, I’m advised to hit on a snake, but the chances of me snuggling with a snake are about the same as Joe Biden winning a Pulitzer.

The zodiac tells me my next most compatible helpmeet would be a nice, cute dragon, and given my relationship history, proposing to an imaginary woman probably makes the most sense. But however desperate I might get, the ancient Chinese warn me to avoid dogs at all costs. With my luck, I’d find a nice docile dog, and a jealous snake would eat the dog.

The inscrutable animal/element zodiac will also help define your luck, or lack. According to the internet, Roosters have their own lucky flowers: gladiolas and cockscomb — although I’m pretty sure cockscomb got sneaked in there by some Chinese junior editor who thought he was funny, and is now dead in prison.

The lucky numbers for my people are 5 and 7, and our unlucky numbers are 1 and 3. I suppose if I come across an even number, I’ll just explode on the spot.

The Chinese zodiac even defines zodiac-based directions that are best (or worst) for your sign. The lucky direction for Fire Roosters is south, while the unlucky direction is east. This is why there are no cockfights in New England. And of all the animal people, it turns out the luckiest of all are those born in the Year of the Tiger, possibly because they can eat the rest of the Zodiac

Sadly … and this applies to all Chinese zodiac animal-based humans … being alive during each repeat of the year of your birth sign usually turns out to be unlucky. So, regardless of when you were born, every twelve years, learn to duck.

Lastly, in a luck-related story, it seems the title-holder for luckiest person ever is one Frane Selak, an elderly Croatian music teacher. Mr. Selak survived seven near-death accidents, including a plane crash, a train derailment, two bus accidents, two car fires, and five marriages. Then, two days after his 73rd birthday, he won the lottery.

Frane was born in 1929, the year of the Snake. And he’s rich. Maybe I should ask him out.