(Prison vs. the latch thingy)
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As we look around at the world today, I think most people would agree that things aren’t stupid enough.

True, to make things more stupid, we may need to bring in professional help from other planets, or Hollywood, but hey … that’s what Congressional budgets are for.

I found a list online enumerating the most life-disruptive elements faced by Britons and Americans. You won’t believe how little it takes to run some people’s day.

For the record, “first world problems” are not to be confused with “pet peeves.” Peeves are just day-to-day irritations, usually varying from person to person, like politicians being allowed to vote on “nukular” weapons, or getting stuck behind a driver in Kansas who’s had his turn signal blinking since Tennessee.

For example, one of my pet peeves … one of the things that make me want to grab a bat and lunge … is when back-bench entrepreneur wannabes drive slowly past my house and lob little pebble-filled Ziplocs onto my driveway, reminding me that if I ever need my house power-washed, I should consider calling a guy whose business card is a hand-scribbled corner of paper shoved into a Ziploc.

Here’s another thing that makes me want to ignore at least one Commandment: people who claim to know in advance how many people will share their facebook post. Sometimes they’ll even boast that they know (in advance) what percentage of people will do so. These are the same people you see buying a few hundred lottery tickets, just before mailing a post-dated check to pay a portion of their overdue light bill.

On the other hand, first world problems are, at least in the eye of the beholder, systemic cultural shortcomings that simply must be addressed if mankind is going remain the alpha primate at the top of the food chain. (And given the amount of science I probably butchered in that last sentence, I may have already slipped down a couple of rungs.)

There are some interesting ways in which British and Americans define their lists of societal shortcomings. According to one online chronicler, the worst thing about British civilization is having a runny nose. Scientists are stumped to find a correlation, but it may be a side effect of trying to pronounce Welsh words, or continually trying to steal India from India.

But according to another professional online list-maker, the biggest civilization nightmare in America is … ready? … having a phone charging cable that’s not long enough to reach your bed.

This, children, is why America will never win another war.

Back in England, another chart-topper in the “unbearable experiences” list is “not being able to find the end of the sellotape.” (Sellotape is just generic, sticky tape … think “Scotch tape” without the marketing budget) And I think the British have a point. Any nation that can give us King Arthur, Churchill, and The Beatles ought to be able to pull that off.

Not to be outdone in the Shallow Olympics, however, Team America countered with these ringers:

• I don’t have enough USB ports
• The channel we want to watch is only available in standard definition
• The restaurant’s menu had too many choices

“Pardon me? You had to work sixteen hours a day sewing Ralph Lauren knock-off labels in a Singapore sweatshop? Well, at least you didn’t have to anguish between the filet or the wild-caught salmon!”

Apparently, getting phone calls from unknown numbers qualifies as a first world problem on both sides of the Atlantic, as does having your name misspelled on the cup at Starbucks. (I’m looking at you, parents of Khayleighe and Jah-roam.)

But the best candidate for First World Problem Of All Time comes from America. Here’s an online quote:
The “latch thingy” was broken on the gas pump I used, so I had to hold down the pump the whole time.

Here’s a response:
Shut up.

And finally … the online list of things the British feel could ultimately cause the collapse of Western civilization includes this cryptic listing:

“ladders in tights”

I have no clue. And if you know, please don’t tell me.