(We have nothing to fear but fear of fear.)
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This past week, as I often do, I turned to the daily TV news to find something interesting to laugh at. On that day, their “breaking news” – the top story they could find to cover — was that Wisconsin is apparently very close to naming Colby as their official State Cheese.

It’s globe-altering investigative research like that that makes me proud to have graduated from Journalism school.

So I turned instead to the internet, and discovered that in 0.63 seconds Google could pummel me with 3.1 million stories about Colby cheese and Wisconsin. Oddly enough, it turns out that the most popular cheese in the Badger State is not Colby … it’s mozzarella. I think this is something Congress should look into … maybe when they return from their Fourth of July break, in mid-September.

But Google also taught me a new word: turophobia: an irrational fear of cheese. (Personally, I thought the irrational adjective was unnecessary, but let’s move on.) As phobias go, being deathly afraid of cheese is probably a good phobia to struggle through. Cheese doesn’t lunge, or sneak up on you, and almost never tries to spread you on a cracker.

Other phobias are more complicated.

“What are you, scared?”

Ever faced that dare, guys? I’m guessing at some point you have, though maybe not lately, unless you’re part of a low-budget circus and you draw “trapeze” duty, or you work in a Wisconsin deli and suffer from turophobia.

According to one source, as many as half of all Americans may be dealing with some type of phobia. Personally, I have a Montana-sized fear of snakes (ophidiophobia), one that can cause me to run into things, or through things, and sometimes take flight. (By the say, ‘ophis’ was the ancient Greek word for snake, because ‘evil fanged hell spawn’ was already taken.) Once, while walking across my front lawn to the street to collect my mail, a snake crawled out of a tree.

I don’t live there anymore.

Speaking of hell spawn, the Washington Post claims that the number one phobia of Americans is public speaking (glossophobia). Fear of dying (thanatophobia) didn’t even make it into the top ten. That means, as Jerry Seinfeld pointed out, if you’re at a funeral, most people would rather be the person in the coffin than the person delivering the eulogy.

Another source insists that arachnophobia (fear of spiders) tops America’s list of horror triggers. Personally, as long as I have shoes, I’m not worried about spiders. But once I was in a car with a woman who was backing out of her driveway when she saw a spider … and she jumped out of the car.

I think she got married, eventually, but I didn’t check.

Generally speaking, Americans are more afraid of clowns (coulrophobia) than ghosts (phasmophobia), and even more afraid of zombies (kinemortophobia). It’s worth pointing out that these people vote … sometimes several times. (Clarification: I’m saying people who are afraid of  zombies vote, not the zombies themselves. Though zombies sometimes vote, too. Absentee.)

Coulrophobia, for the record, comes from an ancient Greek word meaning “one who goes on stilts.” So, apparently, nobody’s scared of short clowns, except Danny DeVito and some of Tom Cruise’s personal staff.

The fifth most common American phobia is fear of dogs, or cynophobia (cats didn’t make the cut). Unfortunately, the article didn’t distinguish. Are all dogs feared, or just small poodles wearing little knitted sweaters?

Of course, claustrophobia is still right up there (fear of being trapped in a very small place, like a lunch buffet that only serves British food).

Fear of flying (aviophobia) remains quite popular, as does fear of strangers (xenophobia) … not to mention, fear of flying while seated next to strangers (coach-phobia).

While we’re staring, it’s worth noting that there are so many people afraid of having peanut butter stuck to the roof of their mouth that the fear has a name: arachibutyrophobia  

And now let’s review some of the more, shall we say, exotic neuroses, as catalogued by the National Association of Analysts Who Make Boat Payments By Dealing With Irrational Fears While Maintaining a Straight Face:

• Nobody in America will be surprised to hear of nomophobia – an obsessive dread triggered by not being able to use your smartphone. Diagnosis is often accompanied by observations of Excessive Emoji Syndrome and TikTok Typo Trauma.
• Omphalophobia refers to an irrational fear of navels or, to use the technical medical term, belly buttons. The term is derived from the ancient Greek word “ompha,” which means “innie.”
• Pyrophobia is the fear of fire, as opposed to Trumpophobia, which is the fear of being fired on national TV.
• Optophobia is the fear of opening one’s eyes, but they’ll never see this, so let’s move on.
• Pogonophobia, or a fear of beards, is often observed in people after attending ZZ Top concerts. It’s also been known to lead to extended hospitalization for people who binge-watched an entire season of Duck Dynasty.
• Fear of hair in general is known as chaetophobia, from the Greek word for “mullet.” People with chaetophobia often find it difficult to get a haircut, or to see Donald Trump in a high wind.
• Speaking of wind, some people have to deal with ancraophobia, the fear of it. These sufferers often break out in tears after watching The Weather Channel’s Jim Cantore.
• Octophobia is a heightened fear of the number eight. Snow White suffered from it … that’s why, after the seventh weekend, she stopped dating dwarves.
• Rhabdophobia is the fear of being beaten or punished. I would think it odd for a person not to have this trait.
• If you’re afraid of the Pope, you may have papaphobia, or you may just be a in a Dan Brown novel. If you have a persistent fear of bathing, you should look up ablutophobia. If you’re overly nervous about bathing in the Vatican, you’re a good candidate for Pope-On-A-Rope-A-Phobia. Seek help. Call someone.
• According to the internet, decidophobia is fear of making decisions, but I think the internet is making that up. You decide.
• Spectrophobia is a fear of mirrors, a phobia that has become much more common since that My Pillow guy started appearing in people’s bathroom medicine cabinets. The only known cure for spectrophobia is to become a vampire, although you’d then be subject to a fear of garlic, like young Protestant guys engaged to Italian girls.
• I’m told that the mouthful hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the diagnosis for people who have a phobia of long words, but like decidophobia, my Universal Sarcasm Alarm won’t allow me to punch that ticket.
• By the way, logophobia is fear of words, period, regardless of length, but if you’ve got it, you’re not reading this anyway.
• Ephebiphobia is a fear of adolescents. Those afflicted may perceive teenagers as out of control, rude, and unpredictable. Analysts sometimes refer to this disorder by its common synonym, “parenting.”
• Chorophobia represents an uncomfortable fear of dancing. Although often diagnosed among Baptists, it sometime presents in older white people, though not nearly often enough.
• Linonophobia refers to the fear of string. I mean, of course, an inordinate amount of fear, not just your average string-induced terror. I’m still trying to picture the traumatic event that might bring this on. Maybe some kid saw eight yoyos in a clown’s mirror.
• And then there’s trypophobia, which not all fear-merchants consider to be an actual phobia. It is a relatively rare condition that seems to be triggered by bubble wrap. I’ll have to give trypophobia the benefit of the doubt on this one, because of the mond-altering effects bubble wrap can generate – nothing can knock the maturity out of a dull adult like a handful of ready-to-pop bubble wrap.
• In a related story, phobia phans agree that the rarest American phobia is something called allodoxaphobia, which makes people fear opinions. One suggested curative therapy is to simply face the fear, perhaps via prolonged exposure to Donald Trump.

And, of course, America wouldn’t be America without this last one. Phobophobia: fear of phobias.

“Mom?”
“Yes, dear.”
“I’m afraid I’m afraid of being afraid.”
“Shut up and finish your string.”