(How to name 70 million kids)
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This week, in-between bouts of trying to remember how many masks I’m supposed to wear, I learned a few things about the “Millennials” generation. For one thing, they got here too soon.

According to whoever decides these things, the Millennials were born between 1981 and 1996 … which is four or more years before the millennium even got here. The fact that they showed up early is doubly confusing because I’ve yet to meet anybody under the age of 40 who shows up on time.

The Millennials are also known as Generation Y, because all Millennials are males. (That’s not true, but it’s as good as any other explanation as to why they got named Y.)

As you can imagine, there’s very little consensus on the Internet about what the various generations are called, or which age group belongs to which generation. The first of the seven cleverly-named “living generations” refers to people born between 1901 and 1927 (despite being born at a real millennium). This is the generation we call “The Greatest Generation,” implying that generations have been going downhill ever since.

The next generation was known as “The Silent Generation,” but we know very little about them because, well, you know, silent. Maybe they were just ticked off about being in the shadow of their “greatest” parents.

Then came the Baby Boomers, the post-war generation that was underway when a very important thing happened: I was born. (Maybe not important to you, but being born was extremely vital for me. As it turned out, my arrival would be a game-changer for Amazon.com’s bottom line, too.)

We Boomers contributed quite a bit, culturally and technologically. We were the first generation to send and receive spam, thereby boosting the personal fortunes of future Russian brides and gift-happy deposed Nigerian princes.

Boomers set the stage for some seriously stupid language: awfully good oxymorons like “found missing” and “pretty ugly” and “mutual differences” and … “awfully good.” We allowed people to get away with using “ask” as a noun and “friend” as a verb.

The Baby Boomer generation also lived through a lot of cultural transitions. Many of us still tend to say “dial the phone” instead of text your mother, or “roll up the car window” instead of Alexa, close the window, or “go change the channel” instead of “Would you please move out, already?”

Perhaps most importantly, Baby Boomers cleared the path for future generations to create designer genders, on-demand moralities, and disposable consequences.

Boomers’ kids were called Generation X, because the Boomers were still high from the 60’s and couldn’t think of anything else at the time.

Our conversation’s target generation, Generation Y, came next, maybe because Y follows X in the alphabet, just as X follows, um, Baby Boomer. Obviously, generation naming was done by a committee.

Finally, an actual millennium came along again, but those in charge had to name this round of incoming humans “Generation Z,” because “Millennials” was already taken, and “The Greatest Generation” weren’t about to give up their title.

Lastly, the current clutch of kids is known as Generation Alpha, which naturally follows Generation Z. (see “committee”)

Every generation, I suppose, adds or takes away something from our collective culture chain. For example, 66% of Millennials have no old-school hard-wired telephone. 83% admit to sleeping next to their smart phones. (A small but growing number of Millennials have broken up with their phones, claiming a need to see other people.)

Here are some other cultural evolutions we already see, and can expect to see, from the post-Boomer generations.

Driving

They aren’t. Between telecommuting, public transportation, and Uber, the number of licensed drivers aged 18-25 is down 25%. And this is before Ozone Czar John Kerry debarked from his private jet to lecture us about carbon footprints.

Fabric Softener

According to one online source, sales are plummeting. It seems Millennials don’t use it because they can’t figure what fabric softener does. I’ll say it again: the term fabric softener confuses.

Good luck to the water cooler industry.

Cereal

According to the New York Times (yeah, I know), 40% of Millennials don’t eat cereal because it’s inconvenient. How so, you ask? Well, says the Times, “because they had to clean up after eating it.”

In response, marketers from leading cereal makers are beta-testing a Cocoa Puffs suppository and something known as “Frosted Flakes I-V.”

Napkins

Six out of ten households no longer have napkins on hand. This is why it’s so hard to clean up the cereal.

Cow Milk

First clue: vegans. Second clue: there’s no cereal. Third clue: apparently many plants, including soybeans, almonds, coconuts, and oats, have developed breasts. As we speak, in fact, there’s a wheat farm in Kansas suing New York Governor Cuomo for sexual harassment.

Postcards

This one’s easy. Email, Facebook, Instagram, Tik Tok, Twitter, Zoom, and on and on … plus, for a postcard to say anything, you’d have to … (gasp) … write.

Golf

Some blame the expense. Some claim that the combined efforts of walking to the ball, driving to the next location of the ball, and cursing at the ball are just too boring for today’s “instant gratification” Millennials. Personally, I think it’s probably due to a fear of being seen in those plaid knickers.

Doorbells

One reason for the demise of the doorbell is that more young people are living in apartments, or their parents’ basements, where doorbells are not the norm. But it seems the post-Boomer generations would rather just text their friends about their travel status, rather than be bothered to ring the bell. Imagine the spirited, thumb-typed conversation…

Jack: hey
Jill: like, hey
Jack: im almost @ ur place lol
Jill: omg

Stilettos

Spike heel sales are plummeting, in favor of sneakers. However, knife fights are on the rise, so it all kind of evens out.

Beef

Let’s just put it this way: According to one study, when given the choice between giving up red meat or facing serious health consequences, 60% of guys said they’d rather just die early.

Mayonnaise

Yes, really. Remember, it contains egg yolks, the only substance more hated than beef, with the possible exception of peanuts.

The preferred mayo substitute? Avocado. No, I don’t get it, either.