Fast-forward ten years. Paige is now responding to Maintenance emails…and her AI has developed an attitude.
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Paige,
The vent keeps running and won’t turn off.
Signed, Tony
Tony,
Don’t worry about it. But please let us know if the light starts sucking air out of the room.
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Paige,
The toilet runs inside itself.
Signed, Rey
Rey,
We’ll get you a more outgoing toilet.
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Paige,
The heater will not turn on at all, and when it does, it won’t blow hot air.
Signed, Marla
Marla,
Won’t turn on at all, except when it does, eh? Okay, here’s the plan. We won’t come fix it, but when we do, we won’t not fix it. At all.
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Paige,
The fridge light is out again.
Signed, Unit 311
311,
Remember, earlier this year? Our little “plugging in the appliances” tutorial? Remember?
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Paige,
The disposal has started smoking.
Signed, Hubert
Hubert,
You should see my place. The microwave has started drinking, the Panini machine’s playing poker till all hours, and the vanity mirror’s addicted to vampire novels.
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Paige,
The towel rack in 114 needs a drywall nil.
Signed, Call Center
Call Center,
We’ll be sure to not do anything.
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Paige,
The fridge light is out again.
Signed, Unit 311
311,
We’ll fix it again. In the meantime, shine the vent on it.
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Paige,
The garbage disposal doesn’t work. It hasn’t worked since John moved in.
Signed, Call Center
Call Center,
Please have John stop living under the sink. Obviously, he rusts.
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Paige,
The kitchen lights are leaking.
Signed, Andrea
Andrea,
Do you know Tony, the guy with the running vent?
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Paige,
The widow in the master bedroom is cracked.
Signed, Bruce
Bruce,
That’s your opinion. Listen, there’s a guy down the hall who lives under his sink.
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Paige,
The tenant fell and put a hole in the wall.
Signed, Call Center
Call Center,
The landlord will send condolences and then put a hole in the tenant’s deposit.
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Paige,
The fridge light is out again. This has happened before.
Signed, Unit 311
311,
Happened before what?
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Paige,
Please remove the hair from the guest bathroom, which belonged to the previous owner.
Signed, Anna
Anna,
Well, of course the bathroom belonged to the previous owner. The hair, though? That could be anybody’s. I suggest you shower at the Y.
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Paige,
There’s a dead frog or mouse in the third bedroom.
Signed, Kamir
Kamir,
I’m gonna need to know if it’s a frog or a mouse. We’re a Union shop.
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Paige,
The washer damaged our trowels.
Signed, Tom & Lisa
Tom & Lisa,
Yeah, when it comes to shovels, washing machines can be a bit finicky. You might want to look into going outside to hose down your garden tools. Have you buffet-slayers considered eating with forks, like normal-sized people?
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Paige,
The ice maker needs to be checked to see if it is working in the off position.
Signed, Joe
Joe,
I’m gonna go out on a limb here – you’ve never been a returning ‘Jeopardy’ champion, have you, Joe?
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Paige,
There is a wet spot in the living room floor that is wet.
Signed, Cissy
Cissy,
Shut up.
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Paige,
The AC is leaking through the wall. The resident stated that this happened last summer.
Signed, Call Center
Call Center,
It happened last summer, and now they’re whining? Tell them to review the ‘Statutes of Limitations’ section in our Resident Manual. Tell them to review it last summer.
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Paige,
The dishwasher leaks when in use from the bottom.
Signed, Sid
Sid,
Yeah, I would think it might.
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Paige,
There appears to be a wet spot on the left as you come in. The carpet stays wet. There is a dog in the home.
Signed, Call Center
Call Center,
Shoot the dog. If you think it’ll help, shoot the carpet, too.
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Paige,
This is a 2nd request. The first request was pickled up by maintenance.
Signed, Freddie
Freddie,
Odd that you should choose the word “pickled.” Wait till you see our night watchman.
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Paige,
The bathroom fan in 240 is not working. She would like Jose to do in.
Signed, Call Center
Call Center,
Yeah, I just bet she would.
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Paige,
I have ants in my kitchen. Come any time, I only have a cat.
Signed, Antonio
Antonio,
So you have ants and a cat. You, sir, are in serious violation of our pet policy.
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Paige,
Over half the home is without power. Please wear booties.
Signed, Tammy in 5-D
Tammy,
Sorry, it’s Jose’s night to wear the booties.
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Paige,
The smoke alarm was going off for no reason and they smell a burning odor.
Signed, Call Center
Call Center,
Mmm hmm. So, what part of ‘for no reason’ stumped you guys?
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Paige,
The outside lights in the common areas are all out inside the building.
Signed, LeeAnn
LeeAnn,
Let me guess, sweetheart. English is a second language.
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Paige,
Refrigerator is smoking in back.
Signed, Mary
Mary,
Another fridge hittin’ the pipe, eh? Okay, hang on, I’ll contact Chilled Protective Services. We’ve got to nip these things in the bud.
By the way, you didn’t see my Panini machine out there, did you?
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Paige,
The resident’s head is not coming on.
Signed, Call Center
Neither is yours, Call Center.
Neither is yours.
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