(The ‘P’ is silent.)
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If you haven’t yet heard, America has a new President. And, for a change, it’s an old white man.

But after four non-stop years of watching the last President being called evil, racist, misogynist, Hitler, Satan, and a non-vegetarian, I’d like to lower the temperature. I think I’ll just refer to this one as something placid and non-threatening … say, President Joey.

You know, Joey. Just a cute, seventy-eight-year-old baby kangaroo, with a pocketful of Polident and access to nuclear codes.

Or maybe something even less ominous … like Resident Joey.

The ‘P’ is silent.

And like the last Oval Office resident, some are already concerned this one will flood the social media airwaves with tweets. Not to worry — Joey’s just finishing up the first few ASDF exercises in his Mavis Beacon class.

Resident-Elect Joey began his Inauguration Day by attending church, where he prayed for more abortion funding. Then, like any career politician,  he passed around his own collection plate.

When the Inaugural ceremony finally kicked off, almost-Resident Joey shared some Joey-of-the-people-type anecdotes, some “when I was a kid” recollections, at one point describing watching his dad lying in bed, staring at the ceiling.

Joey slept with his dad?

Freudian anecdotes aside, I will give this to Joey’s handlers – they hired an exceptional speech writer. At one point during the Inauguration, Joey read, “…we need to lead, not by the example of our power, but by the power of our example…”

I don’t care who you are, that’s some good empty rhetoric right there.

(Later, Joey set a powerful example by mandating mask-wearing on Federal property, then going to the Lincoln Memorial and forgetting to set a powerful example.)

Another quote: “We must end this uncivil war that pits red against blue, black against, you know, the thing, and magenta against taupe.” (For the politically unsavvy, “taupe” is a men’s hairpiece. “Magenta” is either a Japanese movie monster or one of the Spice Girls.)

One highlight – okay, middlelight — of the inaugural ceremony was the presentation of our National Anthem, performed by Lady Gaga, who was wearing a red skirt that looked like Jessica Rabbit with encephalitis.

After all the speechifying and in-swearing, Resident Joey watched the obligatory “Pass in Review” parade of the US military, which for some reason included guys dressed for the Revolutionary War. Regardless, the military forces looked extremely competent, prompting Ron Paul to demand that the US recall all its troops from the US.

During the troop review, a breeze blew the tricorns off several soldiers. Resident Joey made a flatulence joke, which the media ignored, except for CNN, who blamed Trump.

Afterwards, Resident Joey managed to walk to the White House without cue cards, where he stutter-stepped up to a window and tried to order a cheeseburger. (He thought they’d said told him were going to the “White Castle.”)

Here are some timeline highlights from the rest of Inauguration Day:

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2.00p: The White House website was updated. The revised home page featured a Renaissance-style painting of a mask-wearing Resident Joey, above the caption “The Better Angels President.” (source: CNN)

2.15p: Nancy Pelosi presented a folded, framed US flag to Resident Joey. Joey stared at the tri-folded flag for a second, then asked why it only had six stars.

2.30p: Resident Joey went to Arlington Cemetery to solemnly move a wreath a few feet, because his teleprompter said “solemnly move the wreath,” and because the act seemed to require no medication. However, during the first shot of a 21-gun salute, his heart gave out. Fortunately, he was revived by his wife, a “doctor,” who has “skills and stuff.” MSNBC described the medical comeback as messianic. Bill Clinton described the revival as “not all that.”

While at Arlington, Joey scribbled himself a calendar reminder: Note to staff – ‘reeth’ is misspelled. Draft an executive order to remove that ‘w’. Blame Trump for the lousy spellig.

3.00p: Some new members of Congress were sworn in by Vice-Resident Kamala Harris, who is African, and Asian, and American, and Californian, and short, and female. At least, I think it was her. It might’ve been Prince.

3.30p: Resident Joey signed three executive orders, but had to check his notes to see what he was signing. One of them will effectively cancel the Keystone Pipeline, because one of Trump’s impeachable offenses was making America energy independent.

(Turns out Joey thought the “Keystone” order was a ban on old black-and-white films glorifying cops.)

Resident Joey also signed an executive order designed to make us friends again with the W.H.O. Later, his newly-appointed Emotional Support Czar had to be called in to comfort Joey, because he didn’t get a thank-you call from Pete Townshend.

4.00p: According to Internet chatter, George Soros is furious, demanding, “Where’s my violence? I paid for violence, blast you. WHERE’S MY STINKIN’ VIOLENCE?“

5.30p: Resident Joey’s handlers tell him to begin preparing for tonight’s inaugural ball. The leader of the free world asks if he should dress for basketball or baseball.

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Overall, I’d have to say it was a nice Inaugural Day for Resident Joey, as well as for the 26 civilian attendees and the 24,000 armed guards. Joey’s hair behaved, more or less, he didn’t curse much, and he got to wear long pants.

And I particularly enjoyed how the pomp and pageantry underlying this sacred American day were showcased when Chuck Schumer proposed that Lady Gaga’s hoop skirt be made our 51st State.

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Original “the P is silent” joke, courtesy of Douglas Wilson