(notes on shutting up)
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Okay, it’s 2021 now, and I’m confused.

If you’re like me, you’ve been thinking that when 2020 finally shut up, there was suddenly going to appear some kind of magical, King Kong-style retaining wall, rising between us and insanity. But from everything I’m seeing so far, it looks like 2021 didn’t get the memo.

Let’s review, shall we?

First, let’s get to that ‘19 virus that China fired at us in ‘20 and which seems to only be getting started in ‘21. As we speak, public health officials are still trying to determine why people are safe standing in a line at Wal-Mart, but will die immediately if they exercise in a gym. The sinister virus has even figured out a way to kill Californian civilians who dare duck in to a Carmelita’s for a burrito, while Golden State politicians who dine out are apparently immune.

Thanks to President Trump, mankind has a COVID vaccine years ahead of schedule, which is the fault of President Trump. Sadly, though, thanks to the Governor of New York, the vaccine is only available to felons and Golden State politicians. Florida’s Governor worked out a deal with Publix groceries to administer the vaccine to locals, but the plan was shuttered after Midwestern visitors to Disney World started buying up all the toilet paper.

Censorship is making a big comeback in 2021, particularly online. Facebook implemented some kind of filter, so nobody could see Hunter Biden’s posts of grumpy cats. Twitter shut down Trump’s account, an act which, had it happened six months earlier, might have resulted in Trump getting re-elected.

In the first full week of January, the US Congress certified the Presidential election of a guy named Joe, a Chinese national who lives in a Delaware basement and has had Chinese sex with a politician named Swalwell, who is a Congressional advisor on Homeland Security, in-between trysts.

(To be fair, I don’t really know what “Chinese sex” means, but it sounds funny, and according to China’s last census, it seems to be working well.)

Joe was elected last November in a blisteringly honest set of handpicked elections, ultimately called after the result of vigorous voting by civic-minded residents from cemeteries in Georgia. Much of the vote counting was handled after midnight, in a selfless exhibition of Green New Deal energy-saving solidarity.

Unfortunately, on the same day that Congress was “debating” the Electoral College process, current President Donald Trump held a pro-Trump rally in the nation’s capital. During his speech, he committed the treasonous comment, “Well, that was a crock,” thereby committing sedition, heresy, and offering proof that he had kidnapped the Lindbergh baby.

Goaded to the raw lip of madness by the word “crock,” hundreds of historically peaceful Trump rally attendees — who had suddenly come up with Molotov cocktails and Antifa-style helmets — marched down the street, intent on making a reboot of Repo Man, starring the US Capitol as the car. Parts of the Capitol were ransacked, resulting in Nancy Pelosi having to wear surgical masks that weren’t color-coordinated with her pant suits.

The humiliation so infuriated Pelosi that she decided to impeach President Trump … again … even though he was going to step down anyway in a week. Thanks to Pelosi, that makes him the only President in US history to be impeached twice. (Sources say she’ll go for three, if they have the time).

And now, some Harvard students want to revoke the diplomas of any graduates who voted for Trump, or ever spoke to Trump, or is related to anybody named ‘Donald,’ including women.

On the plus side, of course, you have to admire the amount of energy is takes to hate that much. I haven’t seen hatred this intense since Sean Penn went around beating people up for not supporting peace.

And so the post-rally crowd headed for the Capitol, led by a large tattooed man from Arizona who was shirtless, wearing face paint and a fur helmet with horns, and carrying a spear. At one point, guns were actually fired in the Capitol, as might be expected when your place is invaded by an armed, half-naked Viking. According to the internet, the last time shots were fired in the US Congress was in 1814, by Britain – the guest (country) that wouldn’t leave. (though, being British, they were properly dressed)

Not to say that Congress can’t provide us taxpayers with its own violence, when appropriate or necessary. In 1856, one “distinguished colleague” attacked his “honorable friend from across the aisle” with a distinguished, honorable, metal-topped cane, honorably whopping the man upside the head until the distinguished attackee went unconscious and had to be carried out of the Senate well.

(A few minutes later came the first known instance … but not the last … of a politician requesting campaign contributions from the back of an ambulance.)

After all the crazy behavior in Washington, President Trump decided to give Joe’s inauguration a miss, possibly to protect himself, or to avoid having to hear Joe continually sharing his confused anecdote about how FDR handled his TV appearances during the Great Depression. I’m told the last time a sitting President ducked his successor’s inauguration was in 1869, where outgoing Andrew Johnson got offended because incoming President Ulysses S. Grant kept trying to drink him.

All in all, pretty weird, this 2021.

And it’s just January.