(promises, promises)
~-~-~-~-~-~
2021.
It’s official. If you’re reading this, you survived 2020 AD. Of course, the way last year behaved, I recommend waiting a while before buying a new calendar. Last year may still have a few tricks up its sleeve.
If you didn’t survive 2020, and you’re reading this anyway, that confirms two disturbing things:
- The afterlife has access to the internet (I bet it’s really slow)
- You’re now eligible to vote in Georgia
And now we all wait, a bit nervously, to see what this all-new year has in mind. We’re all anxiously wondering if we made the right decision by allowing another year in, the way you feel when you first bring home a new cat, and you catch it staring at you in the middle of the night. (If you catch the cat sizing you up with a tape measure, change the locks.)
And, as happens at the onset of every brand new year, it’s time to participate in that grand group delusion: making New Year’s resolutions. As each new year begins, we all feign a bout of self-loathing, promising ourselves to rid ourselves of a bad habit, or take on a good one, or do more or less of something that will be good for us. Science has confirmed that this adrenalin-like spike of resolve lasts until about March, and then sticking to resolutions becomes a lot like eating pancakes: when you first sit down you’re really excited, but pretty soon you’re absolutely sick of pancakes.
Two of the most common resolutions people make in the US are to finally lose weight and to finally stick to a budget. These are the people you’ll see in mid-March, shoveling plateloads at a Sunday all-you-can-eat buffet at the local country club.
I once made a New Year’s resolution to stop yelling at my computer when people playing Scrabble online cheated. I gave up the quest, however, when I realized I had bigger issues: somebody played the word HOMELY and I took it personally.
One resolution I’d not heard until recently is to get serious about flossing your teeth. One “expert,” (probably a dental floss salesman) recommends keeping floss nearby at all times, so you’ll think of it while you’re watching TV or sitting in traffic. Yeah, that’s what our morning commute needs … more late-for-work drivers who are on the phone and gobbling a sausage biscuit while trying to perform two-fisted dental hygiene.
So, as you ponder your New Year’s self-promises, let’s look at some resolutions made by people in the news, all true, as far as you know.
~-~-~-~-~
~-~-~-~-~
Celebrated “Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling has made a New Year’s resolution to write yet another prequel. In this edition, wizard Albus Dumbledore is revealed to be his own father and lost cousin, a confused woman from the twelfth century with a spotty past.
Spoiler alert: Dumbledore’s wand will be played by comedienne Wanda Sykes.
~-~-~-~-~
Great Britain’s New Year’s resolution is to embrace Brexit and fully divest from European financial interests. In a surprise move, London sells the Beatles to Hamburg.
~-~-~-~-~
Hilaria Baldwin, wife of the even-tempered actor Alec Baldwin, has resolved to “transition” her heritage at least twice a year, or more often if her ratings drop.
As it turns out, Alec is a year younger than me, and way more famous. I need to step up my game, maybe start yelling at more people in public.
~-~-~-~-~
For his New Year’s resolution, the supreme leader of Iran has vowed to not build “too many more” nuclear bombs; additionally, he agreed to put them all under a blanket in the corner and promised to not think about them, not even a little bit. He even took a Pinky Swear with John Kerry.
~-~-~-~-~
Google, the Three-Card Monte of online info, has resolved in the new year to stop dating Facebook, and as rumor has it, has suggested to Twitter that they start seeing other people. As a result, stock in virtual condoms plummeted.
~-~-~-~-~
In a nod to NCAA football equity, Alabama coach Nick Saban has promised to stop recruiting football players who were created in warrior labs from other solar systems. Sports analysts are hopefully that this gesture by Coach Saban will prompt him to cancel his pending recruiting deal with a freelance squad of Centaurs.
~-~-~-~-~
Nutrisystem has made a resolution to move away from their “for men” and “for women” marketing campaigns, as soon as they can determine what gender-neutral chubby people like to eat.
~-~-~-~-~
Super-successful writer Stephen King has made a New Year’s resolution to re-release TV-movie versions of his 1978 The Stand at least eleven more times. The latest (we think) version featured Whoopi Goldberg as the beatific Mother Abigail, leader of the “good guys,” which would be like casting Joe Pesci as the Apostle Paul.
Side story: In a staggeringly stupid bit of smug meddling, some smug meddlers have complained that a deaf actor was not hired to play a deaf character, but we think that was just the 2020 talking. (Imagine the whining they’ll put up about who plays the corpses.)
~-~-~-~-~
Joe Biden, new President of CNN, has promised to swear less often, especially when he’s on a hot mic. Then, to prove his resolve, he called a press conference where he intentionally stubbed his own toe.
~-~-~-~-~
~-~-~-~-~
Happy New Year!