(mince pie, mistletoe, murder hornets)
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Merry Christmas! Don’t look now, but the year 2020 AD is almost over.

Or not.

Just because the kitchen calendar says we’re down to just one week and counting, 2020 has shown us all that we can no longer depend on normally dependent constants like time, or gravity, or elections.

And the madness is not over yet. Early in Christmas morning, somebody tried to blow up downtown Nashville. Racism does not appear to be a motivation, since there was no widespread looting of electronics stores. (According to a news update, the FBI has taken of the case, which means Trump did it.)

Congress finally decided to pass “COVID-19 relief” bill, a thoughtful though unread piece of pork-drenched legislation that include millions of dollars for gender studies in Pakistan. (“Honey, did you get your coronavirus test results yet?” “I don’t care…we need to check on insecure transitioning males in Peshawar.”)

The best anecdote I’ve heard that sums up this past year was shared by one of my favorite nieces. In case you didn’t know, I have two: the older, that I refer to as “my other favorite niece,” and the younger, that I refer to as “my other favorite niece.” (If you don’t know how that works, you need to go back to Uncle School.)

Here’s the story:

God summoned Gabriel to his office.
God: So, Gabriel. Did you get all those hardships set up for the 2020’s?
Gabriel: I did, sir. Everything’s locked and loa…hang on – did you say 2020’s? Plural?
God: Certainly. Surely you didn’t schedule all that stuff for just one year?
Gabriel: Um…

So, as we (hopefully) head into next year, let’s look at this year, compared to last year:

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Last year: mistletoe socializing
This year: mandatory social distancing

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Last year: slow dancing
This year: six feet apart

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Last year: Avoid negative people!
This year: Avoid positive people!

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Last year: Deck the halls with boughs of holly…
This year: Check the patient on that dolly.

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Last year: So, where should we go out to eat?
This year: Hey, why can’t we go out to eat?

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Last year: “Mom, we’re out of wrapping paper!”
This year: “Mom, we’re out of toilet paper!”

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Last year: “Kids? Wash up – Daddy’s home!”
This year: “Nice try, Mom. Dad hasn’t left home for nine months.”

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Last year: In the meadow, we can build a snowman and pretend that he is Parson Brown.
This year: In Manhattan, we can build a restaurant and pretend that it is shutting down.

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Last year: favorite holiday movie: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
This year: favorite holiday movie: National Institutes of Health Christmas Staycation

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Last year: Oh, there’s no place like home for the holidays!
This year: Man! We’re sick of being home for the holidays.

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Last year: Sister Giuseppina Vannini was canonized by the Vatican
This year: Governor Andrew Cuomo was canonized by CNN & Andrew Cuomo

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Last year: Dean Martin: Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
This year: Hunter Biden: Gimme blow, gimme blow, gimme blow!

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Last year: Halloween masks
This year: N95 respirator masks

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Last year: All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth…
This year: All I want for Christmas is my two vaccines.

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Last year: Honey, what say we head downtown and hear some live music?
This year: Honey, what say we head downtown and watch some live looting?

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Last year: Brown paper packages tied up with strings- These are a few of my favorite things.
This year: Dining and movies, a church crowd that sings. These are a few of the quarantined things.

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Last year: Pull your pants up, idiot.
This year: Pull your mask up, idiot.

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Last year: Hello, children, and welcome to a new school year at California’s Abraham Lincoln High School!
This year: Hello, parents. Although the newly-renamed Jane Fonda High School is still quarantined, please click here to download your child’s curriculum, which includes a fact sheet describing Lincoln’s blatant racism, as well as a fascinating interactive session on Central American mail-in voting.

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Last year: Grandma got run over by a reindeer
This year: Grandma’s vaccine got upstaged by a felon

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Last year: designer jeans
This year: designer surgical masks

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1970’s: Archie Bunker: the guy we all love to hate.
This year: Mark Zuckerberg: the guy we all love to hate.

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Last year: Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose.
This year: Rudy, the Trump attorney, had a very shaky case.

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Merry Ethno-Generic Fully Optional Deity-Nonspecific Seasonal Timespan!