(the sublime subtlety of insults)
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As far back as I can remember (in other words, since last Tuesday), I‘ve been told it’s not polite to be rude. Okay. Maybe it is rude to be rude.

But it sure is fun.

And “rude” is so subjective. One man’s rude is another guy’s vengeance. What may seem an offhand comment to some might appear to others as poetic justice. Is a barb still a barb if “they had it coming”? If someone challenges your intelligence, and their challenge is chockful of typos, don’t you have a response responsibility to civilization? A comeback back-handing mandate?

I mean, if you’re online, and somebody thumb-types that you wouldn’t “no the difference” between real news and a “whole in the ground,” don’t you have a duty to point out that their family tree has less branches than a toothpick? Wouldn’t you, as a simple matter of upright biped civil duty, realize your responsibility to try and point out those people who just shouldn’t allowed to breed?

Mind you – I’m only talking here about rudeness as a response … a comeback, a tactical parry … not as an opening salvo. The art of beginning a conversation with a zinger is a topic for another day: for that, you’ll want to have done some recon on the terrain (available exits) and your opponent (punching reach).

Here’s a short list of some of the more awkward places where you might begin a conversation with a rude remark:

• During a job interview
• When cornered by a werewolf
• In the dentist’s chair
• If you’re being held hostage in a bank heist
• In the middle of being fitted for a genital cup
• On the elevator
• While loading up at a lunch buffet (there are knives)
• In prison
• In the prison shower with a dentist
• In the middle of marriage vows, unless you’re marrying a prison dentist

But for those less life-threatening situations we all face that beg for some snappy repartee, here’s a handy, hopefully helpful list of comeback opportunities.

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Their comment: Have you lost your mind?
Your response: No, but thanks for asking!
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Their comment: Did you get a haircut?
Your response: No, I dyed the tips invisible.
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His comment: Is this seat empty?
Her response: Yes, and if you sit there, this one will be, too.
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Their comment: Putting on a little weight, are you?
Your response: Could be. I ate the last person that said that to me.
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Their comment: Well, that was rude.
Your response: Sorry, I didn’t mean to push your buttons. I was just looking for ‘Mute.’
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Their comment: So you guys broke up again or what?
Your response: Hey, look! I found your nose. It’s over here in my business again.
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Your question: So how old are you?
Their reply: None of your business.
Your response: I wasn’t asking for business.
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Their comment: I don’t remember asking for your opinion.
Your response: You know, everyone brings happiness to a room – some when they enter, some when they leave. Make a guess.
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Their comment: Dude, that song is so old.
Your response: So’s your mother, but you still listen to her.
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His comment: So. Your place or mine?
Her response: Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.
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Their comment: Here, smell this.
Your response: Sure. Tell it to walk over here.
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Their comment: I can’t believe I did that.
Your response: Don’t be ashamed – that’s your parents’ job.
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His comment: So how do like your eggs in the morning?
Her response: Unfertilized.
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Their comment: You’re stupid.
Your response: I guess you’re rubbing off on me.
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Their online comment: Your stupid.
Your response: Breathe much?
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