(the twelve years of Christmas)
~-~-~-~-~-~

Okay, inmates. As far as we know, we’re finally working our way through the final month of our 2020 AD incarceration. As far as we know.

But this year, all bets are off.

I’m sure by now you’ve seen the online meme of the guy’s eager face, excitedly watching a New Year’s Eve clock tick away the final seconds:

12/31/2020 11:59.55…
12/31/2020 11:59.56…

almost there…

12/31/2020 11:59.57…
12/31/2020 11:59.58…
12/31/2020 11:59.59…

and then…

13/01/2020 00:00:01…

This year, all bets are off.

One holiday shopper noticed an edgy, eye-catching typo in a grocery store’s bakery, offering a dollars-off deal on “MILK AND COOKIES FOR SATAN!” At least, we hope it’s a typo.

Because, this year…you know.

Fortunately, however, though uncertainties and dark lords come and go, the Christmas shopping season goes on (and on, and on, and on). Children are still writing up their lists, adults are still dropping hints, and marketers are heads-down, looking for new ways to entice the gift buyer. For example, this holiday season you’ll be able to buy scented logs for your fireplace that smell like Kentucky Fried Chicken. Imagine the legal department’s disclaimers on that festive package:

• Contains flammable items, not intended for human consumption
• Please avoid describing to small children as “finger lickin’ good”
• Caution: when ignited, fireplace logs may be hot
• Do not store near breakfast cereal
• Fire extinguisher sold separately

Coming soon! A bathroom air spray that smells like the Wednesday after ‘Taco Tuesday.’ (you may already own this)

Not to be outdone, Play-Doh now offers a “grown up scents” multipack, which includes six “relatable” smells. Here are the six winning grown-up aromas and what they smell like, a phrase which is hard to say with a straight face:

• Overpriced Latte (coffee)
• Mom Jeans (clean denim)
• Grill King (smoked meats)
• Dad Sneakers (rubber)
• Spa Day (floral)
• Lord of the Lawn (fresh cut grass)

(“Hey, what’s that smell? Rubber? Dad’s home!”)

According to the ad department, you can “have it all” with these six “carefully curated” odors. Personally, we think maybe they missed a few opportunities…

• Errant Lab Experiment (Bobby’s college dorm bathroom)
• Burnt Spam (Mom’s sick, Dad’s cooking)
• Diseased Toad (Junior’s post-game gym socks)
• Projectile Gerber’s (baby doesn’t care for the Split Pea Puree)
• Elfish Retch (somebody just unwrapped last year’s fruitcake)
• Late-Night Chernobyl (plate of midnight-snack cookies left under Betty’s bed for so long that they achieved consciousness)

And the list of stocking stuffers goes on. There’s the Hawk Weird-Ohs Drag Hag, which could be either a dragster model assembly kit, or an ugly crossdressing doll. Or pick up a Chubby Blob Seal Pillow, which looks like a cross between an angry pufferfish and a gallstone. Someone on your gift list might enjoy the Donald Trump fridge magnet, featuring a frowning First Gentlemen carrying a samurai sword and sporting Moe Howard’s hair.

For the child who has everything, there’s now Drippy, the doll with a runny nose. Drippy has one exceptionally large nostril, as if he’d been nipping too much cocaine, or was about to get a COVID swab. And rounding out the doll line of toys is Baby’s First Baby, a little toddler promising … you guessed it … Real Pregnancy Action! (late-term abortion sold separately)

So, get busy, shoppers! Less than 20 shopping days left till Christmas, assuming the pandemic-crazed Governor of your state doesn’t postpone or cancel it. Until then, check the wish list in your child’s festive holiday letter to Satan and get busy … otherwise, the terrorists win.

And speaking of seasonal letters to the North Pole, we’ve uncovered a few…

~~–~~–~~
Dear Santa,
This Christmas, I would like a pony and a recount. I can live without the pony.
Love,
The Donald

~~–~~–~~
Dear Santa,
I’ve been a good boy this year. Then, my third-grade teacher taught me some new things, and now I’m identifying as a good girl. Does that mean I get to be on your list twice?
Love,
Alan(is)

~~–~~–~~
Dear Santa,
I posted my Christmas wish list on facebook. Make it happen, Chunks. Don’t make me block you.
<thumbs up icon>
Mark Zuckerberg

~~–~~–~~
Dear Santa,
We’re thinking of having yet another farewell tour. Since you’re about the only celebrity we know who still keeps showing up, year after year, please bring us a nice set of new larynxes.
Cheerio,
Fleetwood Mac

~~–~~–~~
Dear Santa,
Please do what you can to make me the Governor of South America, or the, um, the, y’know, the thing. C’mon, man!
Yours (for a price),
Jill Biden’s wife

~~–~~–~~
Dear Santa,
This Christmas, we don’t want anything for ourselves. Instead, please bring a severely disabling but non-fatal illness to the players of all the NCAA football teams that outrank us.
Love,
Clemson Tigers

~~–~~–~~
Dear Santa,
Please bring me an alibi.
Thanks,
a bat in Wuhan

~~–~~–~~
Dear Santa,
Please make me thin, dulcet, and attractive. If that’s too difficult, then please create an entirely new solar system using nothing but a butter knife.
Hillary

~~–~~–~~
Dear Santa,
Thanks for the new solar system!
See ya,
NASA

~~–~~–~~

And so, until next time…

Merry Ethno-Generic Fully Optional Deity-Nonspecific Seasonal Timespan!