(I’d expect no less from 2020 AD)
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In case you missed it, the 2020 Presidential campaign should be wrapping up really soon now. Like, say, oh, 2022.

The election, in and of itself, is not all that unusual; after all, we do it every four years, and we kill the time in-between those elections by arguing over hundreds of other elections. Nor it is hard to notice that, in the endless question for diversity in American politics, the Presidential nominees are … again … two old white men.

Equally yawn-worthy during this election cycle was the usual raft of obligatory superlatives:

• Most important election in our lifetime
• Most important election in American history
• Most important election since Kogol Nintai vaporized his opponents and formed the Milky Way
• Most money ever spent on an election (if you don’t count what Obama spent in the fifty-plus States he visited)
• Most run-on sentences (Trump)
• Most clueless blank stares (Biden)
• Most references to “Russian collusion” ever, outside of a John le Carré novel

Let’s be honest. Donald Trump has done amazing things in his first term as US President (for free, mind you),  but the man can’t finish a sentence. The last time Trump saw a period was in the third grade, when he went from third to fourth period. But Joe? Joe can’t finish a two-syllable word. And the guy always looks like he just bit into a bad oyster.

Another record-breaking first, this time, was the number of people, corpses, fetuses, and pets who voted early. In fact, people in places like Chicago and Philly were still voting early after the election was over, which is not easy to do.

And time remained very elastic during this election season. As we speak, votes are still being counted, but that hasn’t stopped CNN and NBC from declaring Joe Biden the duly-elected President of Twitter, the Champion of China, and the King of Tonga. Joe’s so convinced he’s going to be elected that he’s hired a contractor to build him an Oval Basement.

Speaking of all those State and local, in-between elections, did you know that some localities hold elections to choose their coroner? Imagine that campaign ad…

<Cue patriotic music>
Hi, Dover Bluffs. I’m William “Pidd” McElmore, and I’m running for coroner. I’m a husband, a businessman, a veteran, and a huge fan of formaldehyde. Believe you me – when you’re dead, you want me in charge of that lovely, shiny scalpel. Ooh, I get chills.
<Cue montage of a flag waving in the breeze, superimposed over a kit of dissection tools>

And speaking of corpses, the previously living have made a concerted effort to ensure their previously partisan voices were heard in the 2020 elections. Impressive, to be sure, though a bit pungent for those conscious voters standing in line behind late Uncle Henry. It was like a nation-wide episode of The Walking Dead, but with little “I Voted” lapel stickers instead of diseased lesions.

I’ve lost count of all the dead voter anecdotes across the country, but the liberal graveyard recruiters weren’t even polite enough to be sinister about it. One documented ex-citizen, according to public records, died on 8 October, but managed to register to vote on 11 October. For all I know, the voting official was dead, too. Maybe this guy registered at the DMV.

Fortunately, for our viewing pleasure, Joe “The Common Man” Biden has kept us entertained throughout. (Here’s how “common” Joe is – he graduated from law school at age 25, went into politics at age 27, and hasn’t had to worry about a paycheck since.)

But he is entertaining. At one point after his throne-claim by CNN, somebody told Joe that he had a “mandate.” Joe’s response was that he sure hopes his wife, Valerie, won’t find out. Another day, Joe heard there was to b a hand recount in Georgia. After a potty break, Joe asked, “Hand recount? How tough can it be? Left hand, right hand — that’s two. Game over. Vote for my wife, Joe Piscopo.”

In another publicly observed Biden Vowel Movement, he promised (we think) to ensure a really large amount of truinernashovenaprissur.

Okay.

Biden had a simultaneous translator on screen for that one, and the look on that poor translator’s face, trying to sign truinernashovenaprissur, was worth us standing in the rain.

But worry not, American voters, assuming you’re not coroner fodder. As the media keeps reminding us, there wasn’t that much fraud. There weren’t that many gun-toting, Bible-clutching, rube, redneck Republicans disenfranchised. Not enough dead people voted to actually change anything.

Calm down. It’s as P.J. O’Rourke once quipped about the world’s trouble spots:

It’s an acceptable level of violence.