American Gestalt Graffiti

(This, and that, and stuff)
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I have a confession to make. I’m starting to hate time.

Not all time, mind you … just this ceaseless, nutbag year, 2020 AD – the calendar equivalent of a brutal Monty Python sketch, or a particularly madcap I Love Lucy episode.

It’s endless. To give you some scope, 2020 has seen so many named tropical storms that we ran out of letters in the Latin alphabet and had to begin again, using the Greek alphabet. (When that runs out, I guess NOAA will have to resort to interpretive dance.)

So, this week, as a kind of defense mechanism, I’m unplugging. I’m just gonna do what Jerry Seinfeld says guys do best – I’m just walking around, looking around.

Here are some of the things I’ve noticed, as I wait for Hurricane Delta and the next wave of job-sucking Chinese murder gerbils…

Imagine how weird it’s gonna be this Halloween when all the trick-or-treaters show up dressed as hospital employees.
Rejected album titles: Janis Joplin Sings Linda Ronstadt
Candidate Joe Biden got tested for the Chinese Mexican Beer Virus. Fortunately, his test results were negative; however, the doctor did find a bunch of young girl hair in his nose.
Rejected book titles: Los Angeles’s List of Uninfected Sidewalks
Saw an in-game game ad, teasing How good is your grammar? That’s just silly. Everybody knows it should be How well is your grammar?
In last week’s spam, I saw the word brain used as a noun, a verb, and an adjective.
Rejected album titles: Milli Vanill Doesn’t Really Sing Somebody Else’s Greatest Hits
This past weekend, the busy 101 freeway in Southern California was blocked by people protesting human rights violations in … ready? … in Armenia. Imagine being a pizza delivery person and having to explain to somebody in Los Angeles that their pizza was late due to people whining somewhere east of Turkey.
Rejected book titles: Jeffrey Epstein’s New Playground Games (preface by Bill Clinton)
Haven’t heard much lately from the Portland Peaceful Protester Posse. I guess downtown ran out of big-screen TVs.
I just heard that irritating song again. Let what go?
Last Friday in Philly, three guys went into a Chinese restaurant, ordered some takeaway, then went outside and tried to blow up an ATM. According to the police report, the guys didn’t get any money, but an hour later, they were hungry again.
Rejected book titles: My Caesarian Section: A Womb with a View
At the grocery, the label on a container of bacon bits sets its “Best By…” date to two years from now. I don’t know what’s in there, but it’s not pork.
Rejected album titles: Favorite White Church Choir Syncopations
Lonely Online Scrabble Cheater word of the day: JIRD. It’s a North African gerbil … but you already knew that.
Jever notice that Andy Rooney always began his Sixty Minutes segments with “Jever notice?”?
President Trump has now been nominated for three Nobel Peace Prizes. Three. Candidate Joe alleged retorted, “I know you are, but what am I?” He then hopped on a flight to Dallas to attend the Cleveland debate.
Rejected book titles: Stephen King Short Stories That Actually Are
From a facebook ad: “No more games. Just flirting…” Next, I suppose, will be “No more oxygen. Just breathing…”
Speaking of Nobel Prize winners, remember that Caitlyn Jenner won one not long ago for being courageous. Apparently, you can now reel in your own Nobel mantel ornament for doing nothing more than cutting off your genitals and wearing a sun hat.
Rejected album titles: John Denver Gets Rocky Mountain High
As the 2020 college football season slowly, finally unfolds, I notice that some players have adopted new hairstyles – some kind of close shave along the skull, topped with wild vertical growth. When they remove their helmets, they look like exotic mushrooms.
Rejected TV Reality Show Series: Master Chef’s The Two-Year-Old Pork Cookoff