(advice, like it or not)
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Well, America, August 2020 is now in the books. And other than hurricanes threatening Tulsa, wildfires threatening to move to Canada, and Joe Biden threatening to defeat himself, it was a pretty normal month.
At least by 2020 standards.
And that means we’re now one month closer to a New Year’s Eve bash that hasn’t been rivaled since Prince put 1999 on the map. I haven’t seen this many people this ready to celebrate buying a new calendar since the year when 968-year-old Methuselah called his lawyers and family in to wrap up the will.
As we enter Act IX (September) of 2020 AD, this endless Roland Emmerich special effects epic, opinions are mixed as to how we avoid the virus, how we live with the virus, and how we get over the virus. (Actually, it sounds more like a Hugh Grant chick flick, starring Miley Cyrus as the infected bat.)
Due to China’s little aerosol surprise, weddings are being canceled (brides are furious, grooms are mum), doctor’s appointments are being canceled (physicians are furious, patients are mum), and movie theatres are suffering (moviegoers are furious, actors are transitioning from Dad to Mum). Schools are reopening, or not, or partly, or on staggered shifts, as desperate parents across the country are often overheard saying, “Look. Love you, kids, but we’re changing the locks. Be safe.”
And speaking of opinions, it’s been a couple of years since we checked in with Abby Redux, our favorite grumpy advice columnist. Over the years, Abby has dropped by several times – XIV times, to be exact (and Roman) — to share some of her advice column back-and-forths, a feat which takes some doing, for several reasons:
- Generally speaking, Abby dislikes people
- I’ve never paid her a dime for her effort
- Abby doesn’t actually exist
So, it’s good to finally get her back in the discussion. When I asked Abby where she’d been, her reply, basically, was “Get out of my business,” but delivered with a few more guttural consonants.
As it turns out, 2020 buzz and hubbub has definitely been flooding Abby R’s inbox, along with the usual, more pedestrian questions. So let’s look in on her, shall we?
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Dear Abby Redux,
Here we go again! “Young adults may be more at risk” from the Chinese Mexican Beer Virus than originally thought. What do we do now?
Signed,
Granny in Phoenix
Dear Granny,
Hard to say. They are, they aren’t, they sometimes are, they could be, depending on other things. This is the kind of clarity that explains why we have the IRS Tax Code.
I suggest you just nudge those “young adults” out of your basement. I hear Portland’s nice this time of year. Like Phoenix, there’s violence, but it’s a dry violence.
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Dear Abby Redux,
I just read that the Lily character from the AT&T ads ‘causes a stir on the red carpet.’ Is this true?
Signed,
Haven’t Read Since High School
Dear Facebook Addict,
I’ve sent you a link to her bio, you deep thinker, you. When you see the website’s “we use cookies” disclaimer, try not to eat the web page.
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Dear Abby Redux,
According to a facebook post, new-born unicorns are pure gold, they don’t grow their horns until age four, and only when they’re fully grown, at age seven, do they turn pure white. Before I peacefully break in to a pet store to get what’s rightfully mine, can you confirm?
Signed,
Severely Tattooed in Portland
Dear Future Felon,
To purchase a unicorn in Oregon, you have to prove you’re over eighteen. I’m guessing you’re one of those clever people who, if they need to count higher than ten, will need to take off at least one shoe. Be sure to ask if the pet store has a two-for-one deal going on griffins or dragons.
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Dear Abby Redux,
My facebook friends say I’m a “curmudgeon.” What does that mean?
Signed,
Spud Wilson
Dear Spud,
It means you don’t own a dictionary. Ever thought about running for Mayor of New York?
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Dear Abby Redux,
Since I’m still stuck at home due to the ‘Rona, I thought I’d try this dog training course I saw in my email. It’s called Brain Training for Dogs, and the guy guarantees that the key can be found in 4 simple words:
“Discovering your dog’s hidden intelligence.”
Think it’s worth a shot?
Signed,
Dateless in Denver
Dear Dateless,
Absolutely. I never miss an opportunity to hand my money to spammers who can’t even count to four. Be sure to take a pic of your pooch so you’ll recognize her after the Puppy Whisperer completes your wallet extraction.
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Dear Abby Redux,
I was playing a game of Scrabble online, and some joker played the word GYNAECIA. What kind of sad little person cheats at Scrabble?
Signed,
Offended in Orlando
Dear Good Sport,
Oh, don’t be such a MUZJIK. Lighten up. Eat some BIBIMBAP.
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Dear Abby Redux,
My husband came home from a “late work meeting” wearing somebody else’s shirt and smelling like a Kentucky industrial accident. Should I be worried? Or are people allowed to drink at work these days?
Signed,
Concerned in Cleveland
Dear Doormat,
Depends. If you work for the city of Chicago, or the Joe Biden campaign, it’s practically mandatory. I’d be more concerned about the shirt. Are the buttons in the front or the back?
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Dear Abby Redux,
I heard somebody say that the Coronavirus came from China. Isn’t that a racist statement?
Signed,
Ancy-nay Elosi-pay
Dear ird-thay in ine-lay,
Could be, if geography is racist. Guess where Colombian coffee comes from, you twit. Wanna take a stab at Canadian geese? Greek yogurt?
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Dear Abby Redux,
Today, I killed a man. First, while I was putting on my PPE mask at the grocery, he took my parking space. Then, he grabbed all the toilet paper in the joint and tried to go through the “ten items or less” lane. I snapped.
Signed,
Housebound Homeschooler in Hartford
Dear 2020 veteran,
Sleep well, survivor. No jury would convict.
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