(meanwhile, Japan creates an 8-cylinder latrine)
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This week, while waiting for the latest government update on whether or not wearing a mask could kill me or people I nearly near, I read an interesting article on the internet. The author’s point was that Japan is far, far ahead of the rest of mankind when it comes to toilet technology.

And you thought they lost World War Two.

The Japanese have long had a habit of taking stuff that already exists and making it better, except for movie subtitles. They re-engineered the buggy whip and created the Toyota Corolla. They took raw fish and made it trendy and expensive. A 1970’s-era Japanese drummer turned music into karaoke, and I hope he’s still in prison. The Japanese attached a cane to a phone and gave us the selfie stick. (Okay, I didn’t say they were all good ideas.)

Toilets, of course, have been around since roughly 2800 BC, the day after some marketer invented Taco Tuesday. Originally, toilets were nothing more than holes in the ground, but cities had to cancel that plan after protesters in Portland staged the first Defund Digging Holes in the Ground rally.

Some of the first indoor toilets were called chamber pots, because they involved a very small number of musicians, until they got caught. The first flushable toilet was created by a man in Kelston, England, in 1596. Sadly, particularly for people in Kelston, drains and sewers weren’t invented for another three hundred years.

Harrington named his water closet creation Ajax, because ‘Kohler’ was already taken. The internet describes Ajax as a “noisy, valved contrivance,” much like my first car, or Harpo Marx. However, Queen Elizabeth I was sufficiently impressed to have an Ajax installed in her digs at the palace, which resulted in the first “royal flush.”

By 1910, toilets, as an evolving American design medium, had pretty much plateaued. They effectively offered exactly one feature – flushing – and the peak of American toilet innovation since then has been shag carpet lid covers.

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American Innovation Sidebar: According to the internet, most American toilets flush in the key of E-flat. So don’t count us out yet.
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But fear not! Japan is on the job. According to the internet, the Japanese are improving their heads off, head-wise. Apparently, most of the toilets in Japan are made by a company called Toto, because ‘Cowardly Lion’ was already taken. And Toto blasted in to the high-tech toilet race in 1980, when it introduced its flagship product, the Washlet. (an ancient Japanese term meaning “throne v2.0”)

The Washlet boasts such features as a built-in bidet (more on that later), a dryer (more on that later), a lid that opens and closes automatically (based on what, I don’t want to know), and a remote control (don’t ask). Some models can even clean themselves, which is more than I could say about some of my old college roommates.

A bidet was an accidental invention by a soldier in the French army, created one day while the army was retreating. As they ran, a small German boy shot the soldier in the backside with a water pistol. (“Bidet!” was the sound the soldier made when the water landed.)

Disclaimer: The Washlet’s dryer feature is not intended to be used on your head. Please do not use while sleeping. We do not recommend enabling the dryer feature if you have very slow children.

By the way…the French term for “shower head” is “pommeau de douche.” Maybe it’s just me, but that’s way up there in the List of Things That Sound Dirty But Aren’t, right behind “dangling preposition.”

However, even after some forty years, the Washlet hasn’t really caught on in America. Some economists blame this on something they called “technology diffusion,” though as alleged economists, you’d think they might have noticed the Washlet’s $1000+ price tag. I know people who wouldn’t shell out a thou for coma recovery.

And as it turns out, those zany Japanese innovators at Toto are apparently just getting started. Now, they’ve released the Neorest NX2, because “Washlet Jr.” didn’t do well in the focus groups. By all accounts, the Neorest is to water closet technology what Godzilla was to Tokyo realtors.

The Neorest ups its booty bucket game with an array of advances. It has a night light, in case you forgot where the builders put your bathroom. It has front and rear warm water washing features, which they say with a straight face. It offers a heated seat with a temperature control (heck, indicted CEO Dennis Kozlowski’s $15,000 umbrella stand didn’t even have a temperature control). Here are some more:

• Air deodorizer (please see our “Taco Tuesday” disclaimer)
• Whisper-quiet “Tornado” flushing system (they said that with a straight face, too)
• An auto-generated, activity-based emoji menu, for posting all your bathroom habits on facebook
• Remote control hanger (for drying out the remote after one of those slow children tries to dry his hair and post it on facebook)
• (Okay, I made one of those up.)

Full disclosure: there may be a downside to rushing out to Lowe’s Depot to pick up a few Neorests, given that the list price north of $17,000. So maybe being in a coma’s not such a bad idea. Especially in 2020 AD.

In any case, we better wake up, American innovators. Otherwise, one day, we’ll wake up to discover that Japan has put a bidet on the moon.

And if that happens, the terrorists win.