(finally, something we can do without a mask)
~-~-~-~-~-~

Oh, look. That pandemic thing is still here. Will no one rid me of this turbulent plague? (I know, it should be “turbulent priest,” but let’s not niggle.)

Here in the not very United States, we’re slogging our way through the fourth, or fifth, or sixth month (depending on who you ask) of this gym-killing, salon-slaying plague nonsense (depending on which governor you ask).

You’d think, by now, the White House would have appointed somebody to be the Corona Czar … you know, so we could blame them.

Yes, the Milky Way’s largest ever “time out” continues to drag on, and if you’re like most people, you’ve now cleaned everything you own … twice … and you’re looking for some way to kill some time. You’ve binge-watched, you’ve binge-eaten, you’ve karaoked, you’ve yoga-posed, you’ve almost exercised, once, but the feeling passed. What to do now?

Personally, I thought I’d have read more during the quarantine. But it turns out that grabbing a novel during this year’s psycho parade is just wasted motion. No Barnes & Noble-bagged thriller could possibly be as gripping a page-turner, in fiction, as this year has managed to be in real life.

This is probably true in other countries, too, but I have no way of knowing, because all the other countries have recently pouted, packed up their baseballs, catcher’s mitts, and consulates, and gone home. I guess they all decided that if they have to die from a super-flu, there’s no need to die in English. (True, they all left without paying some $400 billion in United Nations-area parking tickets, but let’s not niggle.)

Back here at home, however, books are still a viable pandemic-saddled pastime option, at least until the Biden Administration’s Cancel Culture Czar outlaws unsupervised reading. So here, as a public service, we offer a list of books you might not know about, particularly because some of don’t exist.

Yet.

So, gentle online reader, snuggle up with a warm cup of socially-distanced, touch-free cocoa and a nice book, and enjoy the next twelve decades of Pandemic Summer!

Books Somebody Should Write

• “How To Hate The Countries That Made You Wealthy,” by various NFL players
• Seattle’s Best Restaurants For Diners Who Don’t Want To Be Slain
• Karl’s Failed Vaudeville Audition With The Marx Brothers
• “How To Live Forever” by thousands of dead voters in Ohio
• “What Went Wrong?” by the fourth musketeer
• “What Went Wrong?” by the fifth horseman
• “What Went Wrong?” by the eighth dwarf
• “What Went Wrong?” by Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, & Buckwheat’s residuals
• Downtown Seattle: We Put The ‘Dys’ In Dysfunction
• Why Dogs In Hershey PA Never Stop Barking
• The Death Of Irony: Statues Of Father Junipero Serra
• The Michelin Guide’s Best Restaurants In Chicago Where You Should Duck

Very Rare Books

• Things Neither Jimmy Carter Nor Mike Huckabee Have Ever Lusted After
• The Louisiana AMA’s Complete List Of Colonoscopy Volunteers
• Publishers Clearing House Winners Who Live In Gated Communities
• “What I Won’t Drink,” by Ted Kennedy
• Trump’s Most Literate Tweets
• “Best Outtakes,” by The Mouth of Sauron
• The Day Jeff Sessions Switched To Decaf
• “Fashion Tips,” by Nancy Pelosi
• Milli Vanilli’s Other Greatest Hit
• “What Went Wrong?” by the guy who patented 7-track tapes

Very Short Books

• Discounted Apple Products
• Things Bill Clinton Has Never Lusted After
• King Kamehameha III’s Official List of Hawaiian Consonants
• Peloton On-Screen Hosts Who Are Jeopardy Champions
• Mom Shares Little Billy’s Favorite Sutures
• “Guitars I Don’t Want,” by pretty much every guy I ever met
• Jim Cantore’s Hurricane Season Holidays In Idaho
• Things Trump Hasn’t Tweeted About
• Our Favorite Soft-Spoken Used Car Salesmen
• The South Florida Guide To Affordable Home Insurance

Very Long Books

• Baptists Who Prefer Concealed Carry to Dancing
• Historical Disasters Caused By President Trump Before He Was Even Born
• Hillary’s Excuses For Still Not Being President (Part III)
• Diabetes In America: That Child-Eye-Level Right Side Of The Grocery Checkout Aisle
• The Starbucks Barista Guide To Saying “Large” With A Straight Face
• “Worst Places To Duck In Chicago,” by thousands of dead voters in Illinois
• Dead Illinois Voters Who Are Registered To Vote In Ohio