(Are you dying to make a living?)
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2020 AD. Already. Wow. As Robin Williams used to say, “Tempus really fugits when you’re having fun.”

Actually, time tends to fugit along anyway, regardless of your day’s schedule, but let’s not drag truth into this. As John Lennon used to say, “Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.”

2020. For over a decade now, I’ve been grappling with the self-inflicted task of writing a weekly humor column, week in, week out.

It doesn’t pay much, but it beats working.

It would probably be more accurate for me to call my column an “alleged” humor column, but so far, none of my columns have been indicted, so I take a liberty.

So a lot of what I do is look for ideas, and eat Chinese food, which is not in the least relevant, but it’s true. A lot of what I do is troll the television or the paper for interesting events. (Interesting, as in weird)

A few days ago, I heard a news report about Presidential candidate Elizabeth ‘Pocahontas’ Warren, a classy character who allegedly told the truth once in the 80s. According to the report, she’s recently been refusing to wash her face (see interesting). Of course, she could be lying.

I suppose there could be several entirely valid reasons why a Presidential candidate wouldn’t want to bathe. Liberal candidates might define clean faces as a threatened group in need of safe spaces. Conservative candidates might be too cheap to use water. Socialist candidates might want to wait till you’ve washed your own face, and then demand you give your cleanliness to them. And rich candidates … which is redundant … might simply hire someone else to wash their face.

The Warren woman didn’t explain … and that got me thinking…

Dream Jobs

• Campaign staffer in charge of washing Elizabeth Warren’s face
• Stephen King proofreaders who get paid by the by the page
• Film booker at a movie theater in an Alzheimer’s facility
• Any late-night TV gag writer during any political campaign season
• Sinead O’Connor’s barber
• Roadie for a touring troupe of harmonica players
• Nurses caring for patients complaining of Type 4 diabetes
• Caterer for conservative speakers visiting the University of California at Berkeley
• facebook grammar checker, assuming facebook ever hires one
• Commission salesman handling CVS pharmacy’s purchases of tiny little staples
• Anybody that has to photograph Sarah McLachlan
• Anybody who gets to work on those “Mayhem” ads from Allstate
• Traffic cop during Area 51 protests
• Marketing agency for realtors representing Section 8 properties in California
• Winston Churchill’s bartender
• Imaginary bad guy hired by Jussie Smollett to pretend to beat up Jussie Smollett
• Prince Harry’s wife’s realtor

Jobs From Hell

• FBI agent with a nervous tic who’s responsible for calibrating Hillary’s polygraph
• Employee who has to slap that Chiquita label on every bloody banana
• Campaign staffer in charge of gaffe management at “What Mr. Biden really meant” press conferences
• Southern California snow tire salesman
• Any Star Trek Enterprise crew members who ever “ beamed down” wearing red shirts
• Ad writers describing an add-on purchase as “absolutely free” and “just pay separate fee” while trying to keep a straight face
• Campaign staffer responsible for explaining why Mayor Michael Goldberg’s presidential campaign is being run by Judge Judy
• Marketing stooge in charge of Boeing’s upbeat “Fly Boeing!” PR campaign
• Concert promotor in charge of remembering exactly which Fleetwood Mac final farewell tour this one is
• Writers who have to keep coming up with story lines for Die Hard sequels
• Personal valet in charge of Michael Moore’s spandex
• Actors who have to pretend they’re the “before” chunks in Nutrisystem ads
• Fair-skinned roofers who have to work in August in the American Southeast
• Marketing agency for realtors in Chernobyl, or Detroit
• Whoever it is that has to clean the floors in movie theatres
• Pizza delivery driver in The Walking Dead
• Campaign staffer who actually has to wash Elizabeth Warren’s face
• Person responsible for holding down Elizabeth Warren while somebody washes her face
• Jussie Smollett’s lawyer
• Jussie Smollett’s agent
• Anybody unfortunate enough to have been named Jessie Smollett
• Spokesperson for Atheists International, ten minutes after they kick the bucket
• Prince Harry’s wife’s realtor’s lawyer