(I think I think, therefore I think I am)
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Oops. It’s that time again. The old year is almost over, a new year looms, and I’ve fallen behind on my headkeeping. I’m late, again, for deep-cleaning my skull.
I need to take out the garbage … in my head.
Is cleaning out my head culturally significant? Does it matter to society at large? Well, who am I to say. But a few years ago, I never got around to it, and look who got elected President.
As I’ve mentioned before, it’s just something I have to do from time to time. It’s therapeutic, it’s a victimless crime (except for anybody reading this), and most importantly, it allows me to generate an entire column with no provable facts whatsoever. It’s a lot like a confession from the Nixon administration, but without all the jail time.
So, in no particular order at all, here’s my head.
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I bought a pre-heated oven. It’s quite a time-saver, but now I weigh over 700 pounds.
I once visited a website that wanted me to create a logout account.
Everybody loves a play on words. Can you make a work on words?
I went to a dressy restaurant and, in the parking lot, I straightened the knot on my tie. But I misspelled it, “not.”
The restaurant wouldn’t let me in.
An Air Force Academy cadet claims to have created a bulletproof substance. Turns out it’s a Christmas fruitcake.
Sign outside a bar in my neighborhood:
HAPPY HOUR M-F 4-7 :: KIDS MEALS
You know, because it’s never too early to get your dysfunction on.
I once dated a woman who had multiple personalities, but never at the same time. The relationship ended when she caught me cheating on one of her.
Right now, marijuana stocks are going through the roof. Or not. I can’t remember.
I know what an orthodontist does to your mouth. I wonder what an eitherodontist would do?
Bill Clinton has now been accused of assaulting so many women that he had to change his public denial to “Well, that depends on what the meaning of the words ‘are’ are.”
Seriously. How many ways to skin a cat do you really need?
In a surprising new play for niche vote sympathy, Hillary “The People’s Uterus” Clinton is now blaming her failed run for President on global warming.
Why can’t a person be outconsistent?
Bill Maher has publicly apologized for using a racial slur. Apparently, the HBO star callously called someone a “white conservative.”
Alleged comedienne Kathy Griffin is now whining that Donald Trump’s family has destroyed her alleged comedy career, now that she, you know, cut off his head and stuff.
Everybody uses email these days. Whatever happened to a-, b-, c-, and dmail?
According to a recent poll, 63% of Americans think FBI Director James Comey should not have been fired.
Another 22% said they had no opinion, but they’d always enjoyed visits to Brooklyn’s Comey Island.
And 14% of those polled spelled “Comey” with a K.
Can a person be an outfidel?
I visited a new concept store today — it’s a grocery for single guys. They still have specials, like “BUY 1 GET 3 FREE.” But they’ve added a nice touch: they have a handy trashcan, right in the check-out aisle, so you can go ahead and toss out the extra 3 items you’ll never get to before the expiration date.
What would happen if NFL quarterback Tom Brady threw an outerception?
According to the extremely vocal experts stormcrowing about “global either-warming-or-cooling” (what, back in the day, we used to call “seasons”) Earth’s temperature will rise by 0.02% of one degree by the year 2100. It will happen on a Thursday.
Right.
These guys expect us to believe they know what the temperature will be a hundred years from now; meanwhile, Willard Scott can’t competently predict the weather for this weekend.
I wonder if there are any animals with a post-hensile tail?
Subject line from this week’s onslaught of spam: MEET SINGLES PARENTS!
Why would I want to meet somebody’s parents?
What do you call a business woman who’s addicted to senseless jargon? An acronymphomaniac.
I almost bought something from a store. The sales clerk gave me a ceipt. Later, I went back and actually bought it, and they gave me a receipt.
I kept some sour cream in my fridge until after its expiration date. It went good.
The biggest difference between sex and photography is the selfie. That’s all I’m saying.
According to an unconfirmed report, Caitlyn nee Bruce Jenner and Chelsea nee Bradley Manning are dating. Not dating each other, of course … that would be weird.
Once, at a hardware store, I bought two refillable lighters. My parents made me repeat the third grade.
I went to a Five Guys burger joint for lunch. Only three of the guys spoke to me. Customer service just ain’t what it used to be.
A guy I know is a concrastinator. He does everything early.
Subject line from this week’s onslaught of spam: HOW TO ATTRACT THE PERFECT GUY
Why would I want to hang out with the perfect guy? Who needs that kind of pressure?
According to a new Gallup poll I read in the paper, US moral values have slid to a seven-year low. On the next page was an article about a guy who was dating his ex-husband’s gender-transitioning priest.
Last night on Netflix, I watched a John Wayne eastern. All the bad guys worked for Fox News.
I wrote a pre-dated check. I think. We’ll see.