(You are having a most instructions!)
~-~-~-~-~-~
Well, once again, it’s the Christmas season in at least a few remaining parts of America, and I have a question. It’ll only take a second, and then you can get back to hall-decking, or harking, or wassailing, or whatever it is you do at your house to drown out Burl Ives.
Here’s the question. Like everybody else, I’m sure you’re busy buying thoughtful, love-infused gifts, as long as they’re on sale. But as you wend your way through the retail jungle this holiday shopping season, do you ever take a minute to notice some of the nonsense printed on (and in) the boxes?
A few examples:
~-~-~-~-~-~
~-~-~-~-~-~
Warning from a child-sized snowsuit:
REMOVE INFANT BEFORE LAUNDERING
“Honey, have you seen Bobby?”
~-~-~-~-~-~
Warning from a steam iron:
DO NOT USE ON CLOTHES YOU ARE WEARING
Who is that late?
~-~-~-~-~-~
From a very cold box at the grocery:
Do not eat pizza raw.
Who is that hungry?
~-~-~-~-~-~
Warning from a curling iron:
For external use only.
For nose hair curling products, go to aisle five.
Stamped on a crate of hammers:
MAY BE HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED
May be?
~-~-~-~-~-~
Printed on a bag of peanuts:
Warning: product may contain nuts
Hmm. Wonder what’s in that jar of pickles?
~-~-~-~-~-~
On a box of laundry detergent:
Remove clothing before distributing through washing machine
I’m not sure if that’s a suggestion about fabric care or a promo for promiscuity.
~-~-~-~-~-~
~-~-~-~-~-~
If Joe Average Consumer was as dumb as marketers assume, he’d have been too stupid to drive himself to the store in the first place.
But here’s the event that sparked this week’s topic. Last week, I bought myself a brace of new pillows, something that, as a single guy, I haven’t done since before Sesame Street had transgendered Muppets. The pillow came with a printed page – a PAGE – of instructions.
For most of my life, I would’ve assumed the following for instructions about pillows:
One. Remove the bag.
Two. Lie down.
But no no no. This wondrous pillow had an agenda.
In typical off-shore marketing style, the grammar was criminal. The instructions began with this oddly-punctuated sentence:
Get ready for your new pillow?
What, you’re asking me? Okay, let’s assume I am ready. I have my bed, a screwdriver, and an un-swallowed hammer. Please continue.
Step 1: Prepare Your Pillow
Take it out , slight shaking & patting , then leave it for 6 hours let it fully expand.
Whoever wrote this wants to make sure commas have plenty of room. Maybe when corporate sells a few more pillows, they’ll be able to send their ‘product instructions’ department to an English class.
Step 2: Remove the peculiar smell
This is accomplished by “Putting your pillow in the dryer on the (125°F) for 45 minutes.”
Unfortunately, my behind-the-times dryer doesn’t have oven controls, a thermostat, or, for that matter, a Bluetooth-powered smartphone app. Best guess? Dry on ‘delicate’? Spin over to Wrinkle Guard? Put the pillow in the oven, but only for 20 minutes?
Step 3: Adjust To Your Sleep Style
Here, we’re offered three artist renderings of a woman lying on the pillow in various splayed-out body positions, as if the pillow were about to become a sex toy.
All in all, I think Step 2 was my favorite. Not just a smell, mind you … an admittedly “peculiar” smell. It’s just one more reminder of how thankful we all should be that that “My Pillow” guy never got fascinated by personal hygiene products.
Civilization Sidebar: When I googled “can I eat raw pizza,” Google returned over 63,000,000 results. That means Darwin was right.
Lastly, here are a couple more product labeling miscues … or not:
~-~-~-~-~-~
~-~-~-~-~-~
Warning on a one-step stepladder:
DO NOT STAND ON OR ABOVE THIS STEP
I have nothing to add to that.
~-~-~-~-~-~
On a box of suppositories:
Keep refrigerated until use.
That’s just… sorry, but I can’t help myself … that’s just cold.
But they weren’t done yet. If for any reason you are unsatisfied, or oddly chilly, the suppository merchant promises a “full money-back guarantee, no questions asked.”
Sadly, however … intentionally or not … they misspelled “asked.”
Guess.
~-~-~-~-~-~
~-~-~-~-~-~