I HEART UR TEETH LOL – the diaTribe

(There is such a thing as too much progress)
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Okay. I have now, officially, seen it all. Hang up the phone, put out the lights: ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. Yes, thanks to the miracles of modern technology, you can now share, with all your friends online, all the fascinating details about…

…brushing your teeth.

I suppose it was just a matter of time. I guess it was inevitable, in a world as self-centered as ours has become: please “like” me on Facebook; be sure to “follow” me on Twitter; here are eleven more “selfies” I took just now in the bathroom. So maybe we shouldn’t be surprised to learn that you can now buy a Bluetooth toothbrush – and the toothbrush can talk to your smartphone.

This latest can’t-live-without-it gadget is brought to you by a company called Oral-B (I guess Oral-A was already taken). What we used to simply call a toothbrush now sounds more like a Pentagon-grade tactical weapon: the Oral-B Pro 5000 SmartSeries Power Rechargeable with Bluetooth 4.0.

And at $120, it’s got Pentagon-style pricing, too.

Actually, there’s an even pricier model – the Pro 7000 – if money is no object, or you donated to the Hillary Clinton Foundation. The amazing Pro 7000 features an exclusive something that marketing calls the “tongue cleaner,” but I don’t make enough money writing humor columns to lean into that joke.

And you know it’s a solid, dependable product that no home should be without, because the voice-over announcer has an Australian accent.

Now, we may or may not be as dumb as advertisers think we are, but there’s no question that they think we’re idiots. I saw another oral-related ad on TV recently, this one for denture adhesive. The ad featured a giant mouth, viewed from the inside, and standing precariously on the glistening molars inside the monstrous mouth was a real live adult woman with spectacular … um … sweater assets. She wobbled around on the teeth, trying to keep her balance while a huge unseen hand shoved hard, denture-threatening objects into the cavernous mouth, like an apple, or a carrot, or Donald Trump’s hair.

So, here’s a full-sized human female standing inside a giant mouth, barely balanced on giant dentures and dodging incoming nosh, and the advertisers decided they needed to overlay this disclaimer:

THIS IS A DRAMATIZATION

Well, darn. I guess I’ll have to strike giant carrots off my grocery list.

The $120 toothbrush has its own smartphone app. Well, of course it does. Everything has an app these days, including Donald Trump’s hair. You can even download an spp that lets you shop for caskets, should you be so … sorry … inclined.

Anyhow, according to the advertisers, with your new Bluetooth-brush and its companion app, you will soon “enjoy smartphone connectivity” and “real-time feedback on your brushing habits” while “boring your friends to tears.” I don’t know about you, but I personally can hardly wait for some desperately lonely social media addict to post a batch of freshly-flossed gum selfies, or to thumb-type me a text message with second-by-second statistics on their latest brushing episode.

Imagine the spellbinding banter on Facebook:

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Tabby: look @ my clean teeth lol!!!!!!

TopGirl: omg girl, u lk fab!!!!!

Tabby: ty

TopGirl: ur welcome!!!!!

Bonnie4Ever: is that the Pro 7000? im like so jealous

Tabby: ha i wish!!! i could only afford the pro 5000

TopGirl: girl, u need 2 donate 2 the hillary foundation

TrumpTrollingAutoResponder: I call her Lying Hillary. Call 1-800-TRUMP-ROX

Tabby: o no i think ive been hacked by that Trump dude, the guy with the hair

Bonnie4Ever: o no he didnt